Monday, November 9, 2015

Hey Y'all

Hi everyone-

It's been awhile since I've written anything here and I'm feeling kind of rusty. I used to love this thing and couldn't wait to come home from work and write, but now it seems pointless. There are a few reasons why:

1) I don't have much free time to write due to working for an extremely busy person.

2) I love my job so much I'm kind of obsessed with it and don't really want to distract myself. This blog could potentially be a huge time burglar.

3) I no longer live in New York City during the ever-burgeoning artistic era of Lower East Side creativity that has since been completely annihilated by yada yada rich assholes yada gentrification yada.... I live an ideal life out here in boring old Los Angeles, which I'm grateful for, but it's not exactly the most inspiring city. It's no pre-9/11 Manhattan.

4) I'm happy and I can't write when I'm happy. I don't know why this is true, all I know is that whenever things are rough I am better at articulating myself.

5) No one blogs anymore. Blogging is for people in their 20's who are defining themselves, or people in their 50's who are reinventing themselves. That said, I'm definitely going to have an old lady blog someday, mostly about my all-female ragtime band, Pickleback.

Anyhow. Here is the last reason I'm not writing here anymore:**

6) I'm turning this blog into a podcast! I'm really excited about it. Stay tuned for Everything Is Annoying.



** I'm definitely going to continue writing here. To skip the reading and go straight to my daily complaints, follow me on Twitter. I love Twitter. 

Mom Quotes by Aviva Yael

I recently visited my mom in New Orleans (my hometown, born and raised). We had a fun visit that mostly consisted of going out to eat at all my favorite spots. If you ever go to New Orleans, ask me where to eat, drink, and dance. Anyhow, as usual my mom shared her special brand of advice and opinions. I collected some of her more seminal phrases. Below are a few killer classics:

We drove past a giant building that was under construction.
Mom: (Gasp) "They're building a modern extravaganza!"

Me: "I can't believe dad smokes pot"
Mom: "Oh honey he's what they call a doper." 

Me: "Why do you have so many cookies in your house?"
Mom: "Because I'm a junkie"

"Button it"

"Oh please, he's so full of shit I don't know how he can walk"


"He's kind as can be, but ugly as sin"

"Maybe it's time you start looking into freezing your eggs"

Thanks for making me mom! I love you!

What's your favorite mom quote?

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Hi pals! Please listen to Po and Blockhead's hilarious "ROGGLECAST" podcast with special guest: ME! 

We play fuck/marry/kill, talk about dating, and I share one of my deepest, darkest secrets

Listen on iTunes 

or Soundcloud 

Monday, July 7, 2014

Freak City

Hi friends-

Been awhile! I haven't had much to say in long form, but if you want to know what I'm up to these days, my boos Twitter and Instagram got all you need. In the meantime, here is a short piece I directed for Pharrell's i am OTHER channel for our HYPEBEAST series about one of my favorite spots in LA, Freak City. I love the owners Justin Time and Vally Girl, and am happy to be able to tell my friends exactly WHAT Freak City is with just a link. Enjoy!

Thank you my crew Erik Lang, Jacqueline Di Milia, Bethany Gould, Gabriel Stanley, and Basak Alemdag.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Pulling it Together

Please enjoy this podcast in which Amanda Savage interviews me about burning topics like
why I'm obsessed with Tinder and the age old debate: WASPs vs. JAPs. I also share my most embarrassing story ever. Click the link below to download the iTunes podcast:

This old photo of me saluting like a Corporal Asshole is part of my most embarrassing story. Listen to the podcast to find out more.

I also share some tips on social networking, which eBay posted on The Inside Source:

Pulling it Together is a podcast focusing on gender equality through comedy in an effort to rebrand feminism. Hosted by comedian Amanda Savage. Produced by Jillian Leigh


xo Aviva

Friday, September 13, 2013

My Worst Date Ever

This is a repost of my favorite bad date story, originally posted 7/7/11

This song will never die. I'll be an old lady rocking back and forth in my rocking chair on the front porch (I live in the South somewhere?) and I'll tell my son to "crank this shit up." Probably more likely I'll be soothing my teeth between prolonged sips from a Bourbon lemonade, swirling regrets and theophanies into the thick root of a lowball. Sorry I said "theophanies." Just trying it out. Whaddya think? It's probably the worst, but I'm listless these days. Using new words is about as edgy as I get. I'm still waiting for the right moment to casually drop "excoriate" without losing friends.

One time I went on a date with a guy who lived, ate and drank on the Upper East Side. We'll just call him "Harvard Sweatshirt." A snowstorm hit and neither of us wanted to walk three long avenues to the train, so we went back to his immaculate, book-laden apartment. I pulled a copy of "Pockets Full of Chomsky" from his shelf and told him how I'd gifted the series to someone that very morning. His sweatshirt then asked me to "translate complex passages" chosen by him into what I think they mean in layman's terms. You know, because I was a fucking idiot who went to UCLA and couldn't possibly grasp or dissect Chomsky's philosophy.

The degradation sobered me up instantly. I was being hazed. Apparently my ability to break down the assigned excerpts into tiny little pieces at 2am and still look pretty must have been all that he was looking for, for that night anyhow, because suddenly I was "this" and "that" and "more things you want to hear from someone who you're attracted to."

It was freezing, there was a blizzard outside, and the trains were running on holiday service, but I walked three long avenues, transferred trains, and followed the East River home til I could get back to my bed in Williamsburg by 5am.

I don't have that kind of pride anymore.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

He's BAAAaaaack...

I can't design clothing. I can't sew. I can't sketch, or even visualize myself in new clothing until I've tried it on. I have very few talents and the ones I have are pretty common:

- Cooking
- Cleaning (I'm legitimately into perfecting sanitization processes)
- Coming up with brain-altering hashtags for my Instagram photos

Thus, it's neither fair nor kind of me to criticize someone else's craft, but "fashion" "designer" "Jeremy" "Scott" has pushed me over the edge with his new collection this season.

Scott, known for his elegant taste and ethereal musings has a new collection that looks like it was designed for the wait staff at that defunct tourist trap Martian Bar in Times Square. I think he was going for more of an 80's-does-50's camp feel a la Mars Attacks, with re-re-re-hashed Trash & Vaudeville patent-leather-zippered throwbacks, but that sounds way cooler than anything that hit the runway:

Spring/Summer '14 - Jeremy Scott Hates Women's Bodies, Evidence A, B, and C

This collection wasn't as offensive as past seasons, and I'd rock some of the one-piece maillots, but... IT'S TIME TO STOP PRETENDING THAT JEREMY SCOTT IS A BRILLIANT, INNOVATIVE FASHION DESIGNER. I mean, it's CRAZY you guys. We are like battered wives. We're too scared to say it out loud because everyone's "friends" with him and he throws the best Coachella parties, but we don't need to live in fear anymore! PLEASE STOP BEING AFRAID TO SPEAK OUTThere are others who feel the same way you do, who are trapped in a Boom Boom Room-sized pressure cooker filled with social climbers and fashion people just as desperate and full of shit as you are. Maybe if we all come out of the JS closet at once no one will notice, like bum-rushing a police barricade.

Let us not forget how he outdid himself with the S/S12 runway presentation, a veritable bounty of Cross Colors-meets-Pee-Wee's Playhouse couture. I was so moved I wrote about it. Here, I put together a Quick View of my three favorite looks:

Spring/Summer '12 - Those assless chaps shorts are sizzling on the scene

I know he's hustled for a decade to become a signature part of NYFW and I definitely respect the work ethic, but I've never seen anyone wear his clothing who I know doesn't get it for free. Maybe his Adidas collaborations offset the cost of production on his line, but I suspect he has a rich old benefactor in Paris who underwrites it all. If anyone knows, please holler at me in the comments or email me. On the bright side, he has a cool website and it doesn't look like he ripped off any legendary skate brands this season. 

I haven't seen any reviews yet so I'll look tomorrow and update you on the consensus, but in the meantime please share your thoughts in the comments.

UPDATE 9/12/13 9:30am PST: As usual, critics are raving about him again, too scared to call a spade a spade. The LA Times just referenced Mars Attacks and says "this collection combines the rebellious spirit of '50s-era youth with a future-past Space Age aesthetic to create a range of pieces perfect for the planet-hopping retro-rebel set." 

Really? Is it?

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Thank you!

Hi Everyone!!

I just got back from the AIDS/Lifecycle ride this weekend and I wanted to let you know it was the experience of a lifetime. I am totally inspired and feel different about my priorities, particularly in regards to helping other people. It was mentally, physically and even spiritually challenging but it was a very special week. Sorry if that sounds corny as hell, but it's true. I just wanted to thank you for being part of this and helping me raise enough money to have this opportunity.

This year the ALC broke it's record: 2,200 riders fundraised $14.2 MILLION to help AIDS research and to help rehabilitate people living with HIV and AIDS. Babies, families, and elderly folks included. People who have no health insurance because they either can't afford it or have lost their jobs and even homes because they became sick and ran out of money are being saved by your donations. I know because I was riding next to many of them. It is an incredibly rewarding experience to meet the very people who are benefitting from your cause. They thank you and I thank you. It's important you know exactly where the money you gave to the ALC went, and you should be proud of yourself for making a difference in these people's lives. 

I hope you enjoyed my Instagram photos (it was hard to find power for my cell to post a lot of photos, but I'll be posting more this week). Thank you again - you've been great friends to me!

If you ever consider doing the ride yourself next year please let me know. It's fully achievable, trust me!

xo Aviva

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Thanks to you I've successfully raised the $3000. I needed to be able to participate in the 550-mile AIDS Ride on June 2nd! I'm so excited, grateful, and personally moved by the amount of support and effort you guys have put into helping me make this long-time goal happen.

If you would still like to support me but couldn't donate before I met my goal, you can donate to a separate PayPal fundraiser I've set up, which will go directly toward next year's fund by clicking this:

Please click that Paypal button in the upper right corner of this here blog. There is also an article entitled "Science Proves Women Love a Big Ol' D" right after this post for you to read as an added bonus (or loss, depending on your favorite penis size).

Thank you so much guys and sorry for the campaigning but it really does mean a lot! 

xoxo Aviva

Monday, May 20, 2013

Science Proves Women Love a Big Ol' D

Big ol' D's have been historically celebrated through art and architecture as a symbol of virility and procreation. Our society obsesses over BOD's in comedy, literature, advertising, music, movies, sports, pop culture and fashion. Science has finally confirmed what we all already know to be the most true truth in the history of trueness:

The study was conducted by a panel of male scientists who may or may not have tiny penises. I wonder how much this study in obviousness cost researchers at the University of Georgia? 

If you weren't blessed with a giant you-know-what, there's nothing you can do about it so just try not to worry. If you make us laugh and want to make rad babies with you, it doesn't really matter. So let's all pretend we are all gorgeous and perfect and keep on bonin'.