The Internet is My Boyfriend: Week of 4/15

It’s time for your weekly roundup of SIZZLING HOT GOSSIP. Just kidding I would rather lick Michelle Bachmann’s open eyeballs than report on the lives of celebrities. In case you are new here, “The Internet is My Boyfriend” is a safe space where you can procrastinate the work your boss pays you to do in lieu of catching up on the week’s juiciest science, news, comedy and art tidbits. Occasionally I’ll throw in an obligatory celebrity story to help drive traffic to this website. Jokes! Anyhow, here is what the Internet had to offer this week:

• If you haven’t seen this brilliant, yet extremely dumb mashup video yet please be my date to the Kristianne Baille party. (We are going to be very tardy – the video is two years old but since I just discovered it yesterday, it is brand new again).
• Ever wonder what it's like to have God rip your heart open just so angels can sew it back up with tiny rose-scented teddy bears? Then perhaps you should watch this Mariachi band serenade a dancing Beluga whale. Oh mother nature, what a glorious bounty you've given. We shall imbibe ourselves and grow drunk with your gift. A glorious bounty, indeed. 
• Whenever I’m feeling sad I tune into Rob Delaney’s Twitter feed and let his gross sex jokes wash over me like a gentle breeze. This week Rob charitably rounded up hisbest pick-up lines for Vice Magazine. Now all of you sad-n-single people can get out there and use “I am going to RENOVATE your butt hole” on a hot stranger at the bar tonight. Let me know how it goes!
• Excuse me Island of the Dolls, but you no longer weave my nightmares. This giant, Australian spider eating a snake while turning it into black acid is now the HBIC.
•  ”In her Tissue Series, Lisa Nilsson uses finely finely rolled paper to create anatomically correct artwork“
• Dear fellow honkeys: you know that thing where you’re embarrassed to be white because you are eternally associated with Vanilla Ice and everyone that acts like him? What if you feel shame for thinking Vanilla Ice used to be really, really hot? How are we supposed to feel when he helps a 9 year-old white rapper cover “Ice Ice Baby?” #KREAYSHAWNKONFUSION
• It’s an age old question we all ask ourselves: “Should I Check My Email?” Use this handy flow chart by Wendy MacNaughton to help you find the answer within (Gizmodo via Forbes)
• Fox LA telling us that Hair Chalking is “the latest rage among teens and twenty-somethings” is worse than when the New York Times did an expose on the death of the trucker hat back in 2003 (I sadly know 5 of the 8 people interviewed in the article). KIDS THESE DAYS.
• Lastly and obviously, happy 4/20! It’s that day of the year we all watch Friday, order pizza and do lots of THIS. (Ed Note: Dear future employers/mom: I don’t do drugs!)

Smoke ya later dudes.

(I said I don’t do drugs!)

Originally posted on LVMO

The Internet is My Boyfriend: Week of 4/8

 

Accurate portrait of the end of my relationship

Hello and hi. It’s nice to be back! I was away last week and have had time to think about some things. I’ve decided that since I spend so much time online I may as well just give in and make this endless portal of information my ACTUAL boyfriend. Like, no more joking around about it. I just ended a relationship with a really kind of amazing dude for reasons that are unreasonably out of our control, so today I shall turn to the Internet to wipe away my tears, hold me a little bit, and tell me everything is going to be okay. And then he will make me laugh and we’ll run off into the sunset together.

Here are some neat-o tidbits that mah boo has shared with me over the last two weeks. Let me know what you think. I mean, I am on the rebound so my judgement might be cloudy.

• Ever want to know what New York City would look like without people? French artists Lucie & Simon used the same photo filters NASA uses to create ”Silent World,” an apocalyptic series that makes some of our most prolific cities look like a set from “I Am Legend”.
• Please just make sure that before you go on with the rest of your life that you watch this gorgeous reconstruction of “1st of Da Month” by BONE PUGZ-N-HARMONY. It’s a fucking face melter.
• This expose on the sad and sketchy lives of the Ku Klux Klan is one of the most depressing and riveting pieces I’ve read since The Atlantic’s story of Shin In Geun, the only known living escapee of a North Korean prison camp who sent his own mother to her death. Gawker’s Hamilton Nolan is prolific in his snark, but he wrote this piece so thoughtfully it’s practically my duty to pass it along. If you have the time, read both pieces if you haven’t already. HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE!
• You guys should totally go to Minneapolis where you can sit in a room that is so quietyou can hear your internal organs. So that’s nice.
• I feel kind of guilty about holding a gun to your heads and making you read about the North Korean Gulag and the KKK, so here is a story that will unharsh your mellow about a Polar Bear who chills with his best friend Mark in their backyard pool.

Hope you enjoy your weekend. See you next week!

Aviva

Master Cleanse Theatre

Hey pals. "Why are you home alone on a Saturday night?" you may ask. It's none of your business, but I'm really really REALLY HIGH** right now so I'll spill it.

I'm on Day 3 of the Master Cleanse and it is making me hallucinate from starvation, exhaustion, and the THRILL OF BEING SKINNY (jokes!). I've done this before and it's always the same: 3-4 days of torture, then 5-10 days of feeling clean, clear-headed, thin, and energized. I mainly do it to kill my cravings and kickstart a diet, but pretty much everyone I know hates it and thinks it's shit. Moving along.

I'm too wiped to go out and I can't drink alcohol or eat, so I'm doing sober/old people activities. Today we went to the museum and Golden Gate park, and tonight we went to a screening of the 1927 silent version of Joan of Arc as the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra played a live score. It was an incredible experience, truly. Not just the epic movie (warning: NOT A RENTAL), but the music itself was perfectly composed. Seems that #OldLyfe activities suit me.

Anyhow, here are two creepy photo-morphing videos of Lindsay Lohan and Lady Gaga:






** By "high" I mean I'm both light-headed from this cleanse and vibing from the amazing show I just saw.

The Internet Is My Boyfriend: Week 3/25

Welcome back to “The Internet is My Boyfriend.” This is a happy place where I cull the best stories from all of my favorite science, news, art and comedy sites to bring you a moment of delightful procrastination from your job. I'm writing these for LMVO now, but I'll post them here for the regulars. 

This week was so boring in real life, the most exciting thing to happen to me was that my auto-correct changed “dubstep” to “sunstroke” (my iPhone is a 70 year old man, fyi). The glorious internet saved me from my monotony (coffee, run, read news, spend 8 hours looking at Buzzfeed, eat, sleep) and here are the results:

• A few weeks ago the witty ladies of The Hairpin posted about gross gross period sex. I’m squeamish so I could barely get through it, but someone in the comments referred to getting your cycle as “when the Communists invade my funspace”. And now we all have to steal that. If you aren’t on the pill and spend lots of time making fake babies with gentlemen you should read the entire piece. But if you are a guy, gay or straight, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES READ THE POSTS OR COMMENTS. Also, guys, why are you reading this post? This is for the laaaaadies. JK! I’m glad you’re here and hopefully want to take me out on a date if my dudefish decides he no longer wants to listen to me sing “I Will Survive” in the shower. What?
• Timmie Jean was not only a tattooed punk rocker in the 60′s (EDGY!), she was the very first woman to ever receive breast implants fifty years ago. Today she is 80 and she knows she is awesome. She talks about her ( . ) ( . ) in the BBC’s brief history of the boob job.
• And the “I Personally Believe That US Americans Are Unable To Do So Because Some People Out There In Our Nation Don’t Have Maps And I Believe I That Their Education Such As In South Africa and Iraq” Moronic Statement Award goes to Geraldo Rivera for being awesome at being racist. Thankfully, The Daily Show broke it down.
• Billions of ants around the world all actually belong to a single global super colony. Here is what you need to know about them:

- Apparently they act like old friends when they meet each other, even if some are from Japan and some are from Argentina
- The ones who live in Europe span 3,700 miles
- This super colony “could rival humans in the scale of its world domination”
- Click here for more ANTS FTW

• Someone should really write a horror movie about a giant pencil with large teeth who terrorizes kids on the playground and sucks them into an abyss so deep and so dark that their bodies bifurcate 100 million times like matter that passes through Black Holes. Here’s what the trailer would look like.
• Need to find a good gift? Get your loved one a sweet-ass pet portrait from tiny genius J. Penry.
• And sending you off on your superfunpartyweekend, here are the Top 10 Tweets from Condescending Willy Wonka.

Tomorrow I'm rounding up the best of (my) Internet for Cultist. Go subscribe!

I spoke to the Internet. His name is Bob.

Remember how I used to do The Daily Tids and people really loved those and just when they started to get going I left them abruptly and broke the Internet's heart (aka no one actually noticed)? Well, I've shucked my wares over to Cultist, where I will be doing a new weekly roundup of my favorite tids. My first post went up and everyone is buzzing about it! Check out some of the blurbs it's getting:

"Finally, someone is forging new territory by curating the best of the Internet in a keen, thoughtful manner." - David Remnick, Editor-In-Chief, The New Yorker

"Aviva's extraordinary recaps of today's core issues help us prioritize our news and determine our values as a society. Without her insight, we wouldn't even know where to begin." - Barack Obama, President of the United States of America

"Aviva is a portal through which the Internet speaks" - God

Read my piece for Cultist HERE.

Let's swap internets

Here are some of my all time favorite videos. I can't force you, but I can beg you to watch these. All of them. I've watched most of these at least a dozen times each and nearly all of them have ended up on this blog at some point.

the greatest date (and beer commercial) ever dreamed, ft that awesome song from Ghost World.

Watch this in it's entirety if you want to have every feeling of your own mortality and the scope of your potential wrapped up into one bone-chilling, inspirational performance. It's absolutely incredible.

How bouts you share your favorite videos with me and I promise I'll watch them. Leave me the links in the comments plzplzplz

Also, I lost my iTunes when my hard drive collapsed (NO IT WASNT BACKED UP I KNOW I KNOW JESUS CHRIST). Hence, I need some really good jams, old and new. We've done this before folks! Let's trade songs on AIM. You can hit me up at teenangster4 and I'll give you what I can. But mostly I need your music because my new iTunes library is an empty sadscape. Help me out dogs!

Here is a love song we can make rad babies to... after you send me your most valuable, top shelf, personally definitive jams:

PS- Remember how I used to do my little news of the day / science corner? Welp, I'm bringing back The Daily Tids. Stay tuned!

xx

Um guys? I have questions. About you. About us.

Oh hey how's your week going? Are you super busy doing stuff? I mean, work is so crazy and you're like so over it and totally ready for the weekend, right? Don't forget to pick up your dry cleaning and call Brenda to remind her about the potluck!

Anyhow, I know you're slammed right now, but I just wanted to ask you a couple of questions about how you've been spending your free time. Judging from the search terms that brought you here, it seems that you and I are in a strange, co-dependent relationship. Like, guys, it's bad. 

Perhaps we should take some time for introspection to reflect upon our prior behavior and ask ourselves who we are and who we really want to become.

 

On the one hand, you guys are gross (please refer to the list of search terms provided below). On the other hand, the gross things you were hunting for on the internet were somehow provided by me, right here on this blog. I mean, I don't THINK I have addressed all the issues that your search terms have commanded, but then again, I've got serious SEO juice on the following (I themed a few things out because if I have to be scared, so do you):

bulimia is so '87

bro you're a god among bros

creepy clown doctor

cool nazi stuff

chinese gay show cock

90's seinfeld fashion
elaine seinfeld fashion

elaine seinfeld socks

elaine seinfeld hair

elaine seinfeld dance

elaine from seinfeld

elaine benes 

homemade goat feet 

i'm going to die 

i'm finally on vacation

i am god's perfect asshole

i want to see sex

i want see sex

i want see make sex

juicy stepmom

jhorts

orgy renaissance faire

orgy in the woods

poopoo and peepee

secrets of the clown

who gives a shit about canada?

what's uncool for teenagers

what's cool for teenagers

hot sex gay naked

sexy carrot

sexy chicken 

sex clown

weenis

tiniest penises

tiniest penis ever

tiniest dick in the world

the world's tiniest penis

world's tiniest dick

world's tiniest penis

smurfs banging

smurf scenes

smurf orgy

and not one fuck

and not a single fuck was given that day

and a single fuck was not given on that day

and 0 fucks were given that day

zero fucks were given that day

christmas party drunks

christmas party drunken santa

christmas is boring!

christmas is boring with my family

christmas is boring when you are alone

christmas families hell

christmas boring

drunken xmas party

drunken xmas bar

drunken santa 

drunken christmas party

drunken christmas parties

drunk women christmas

drunk santa parade

drunk person at christmas

drunk people at christmas party

drunk guy christmas party

drunk guy at the christmas party

drunk german christmas

drunk family

drunk crazy santa party

drunk christmas party karaoke

drunk christmas parade

drunk christmas

my boring christmas day 

my boring christmas

sexy drunk santa

sexy drunk christmas party

This is the first time I've ever looked this deeply into my site's analytics report, and I have learned a lot from it. Mostly that Christmas is really boring and/or sexy, but also that perhaps I shouldn't write about things that will attract weirdo sex freaks to my blog. Yay!

Burning Questions with Aviva Yael

Wonder how it's going for the Editor of the Huffington Post's Divorce section. Great gig!

Happy Food Appreciation Day

Hey Y'ALL. Happy Thanksgiving! Since we all know there is nothing to celebrate about this ridiculous day, let's spend it appreciating our time off from work and try to have fun cooking, eating and hanging with our families and friends (or feeding the hungry, if that's how you roll).

Anyhow, every year my cousins Wendy and Tammy have about 50 guests over for Thanksgiving at their house in Atlanta. Here is a picture of me being fat, with Top Chef's Kevin Gillespie, owner of Holeman & Finch. If you're within 30 miles of Buckhead, GO TO THIS RESTAURANT and order as much as you can.

Wendy is a chef and is famous for having the best Arepas in the state, while Tammy is a former event planner (she's now on the Board of The Grammys). Together they prep and cook for a week before their raging food party (along with some help from Aunt Susie and myself). After everyone is stuffed and boozed up, my other cousin David leads a game of Mafia, which has become a Cross family tradition. If you want to try this game, you can read his instructions in Vice HERE.

Here is an exciting photograph of the guests, who are all about to DIE. If you've never played it before, just know that couples fight, liars are born, and you can never trust your loved ones again. It gets ugly. At some point Amber tried to execute an 8 year old child. TRUST NO ONE.

I really look forward to this trip each year, as evidenced below...

First off, this is the famed "10 o'clock burger" from Holeman & Finch. They only make 23 per night and people line up at 8pm for them. It's first come first serve. As a HUGE fan of burgers and a former card-carrying member of Gordon Hull's Burger Club, I can confirm and verify that this is the all-time best hamburger I've ever had in my entire life. Just look at what the sight of it did to David and Wendy:

We watched the chef preparing them and tried to figure out the secrets. One thing Wendy realized is that they don't just use ground beef. There is another meat thing in it. Can't remember what. COOL STORY!

This photo of Tobias Funke, the Arepa Queen of Atlanta, and the 10 o'clock burger is steeped in back-story, which I will tell you next time we're hanging at a bar.

My Aunt Susie. This photo makes me miss my mom, but the good news is I'm heading to New Orleans after this trip to see her. HAI MOM!

I came downstairs into the basement/rec room bathroom and found Amber, Keeli and April (pictured) with an Espresso maker sipping lattes. Okkkeeeeeeyyyyyeeeee.

Paloma eating half her weight in turkey

 Keeli is Amber's best friend and seriously looks like her twin sister. AND they have the same personality. Brain twins.

 Keeli and Russ

 My cousin Juli and her bestie Dee. These two have big giant hearts

 Kevin brought a brussels sprout gratin that I ate 350 times

 Davy Gravy and Pretty Paloma

 The entire Cross/Tamblyn clan at Babette's Cafe

 These are my top shelf cousins Wendy and Tammy. I love these two people with all my lil Veevers heart! 

This is Russ and Bonnie Tamblyn, Amber's incredible, loving, funny parents. Two Thanksgivings ago Bonnie and Russ sang and played songs on guitar. You can listen to Bonnie's hippie mom jams HERE. Also, Russ just got his hand and footprints immortalized at Grauman's Chinese Theatre last week! He'll be in David's next season of The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret.

Ps- below is Wendy's awesome WOW Food Truck which will be airing on Eat Street pretty soon. Jesus Christ this is the most proactively promotional blog post I've written in a LONG TIME. But it's family yo, I gotta give them all shouts out for doing the things they are good at doing. 

Anyhow, that's enough for now. What was the best thing you ate on Thanksgiving? Gimme the goss!

xo

Black Friday

In honor of Black Friday I thought I'd post my annual Christmas Wish List, a pointless tradition I do here on the ol' blog. Here is my favorite list, in case you want to make up for all the things you didn't get me. (Dad, are you reading this? If so, can you pretty please get me giant flat screen TV installed above my mantle and a $5,000. gift certificate to Bona Drag? Theeeenks!)

Here's what I wish for this year:

- someone else's iTunes songs. Need help. Send new music, fast!
- cooking classes
- your #1 favorite book you think I should read, which you can send via my Amazon account HINT HINT HINT HINT
- an escort to THIS
- pals who will see pretty much anything HERE, even if we need to bring blankets to keep warm
- renewed subscriptions to THIS, THIS or THIS
- earbuds that will neither hurt my ears nor strangle me in my sleep (great fear of mine)

What's on your Christmas list? Tell me what you want and I'll send you fruitcake & turducken no matter.

Love, 

Afifa