Havin boobs is like, awesome

Lizzie just turned me onto yet ANOTHER chick surf punk 80s vibe. Best video set and band look ever:


Mika Miko new band crush.

Off the grid

Elizabeth Spiridakis aka White Lightning has been here all week and I haven't had much time to write anything. I'm becoming nocturnal. Haven't been to gym. Still freelancing and really just kind of miss sitting in an office. Must look for work. I'll send out a few resumes. Will probably get hired as a junior writer for Conan, writing jokes for his monologue. Maybe a few sketches. Will apply tomorrow. Demetri made $12K/mo his first year. And the head writers- glass houses in the hills people! It's hard work sitting at a table full of smart assholes ripping the news apart and coming up with absurdist bits... a coveted and impossible position.

If I don't get hired by Chelsea, Conan, or Jimmy this week I'll have to consider other temporary options. Maybe I should try house cleaning. I'm already anally retentive about the cleanliness of my own home. I bleach the bathroom door handle on both sides after I throw parties. I even clean the handle on the toilet so as to avoid indirectly touching people's privates. I mean, everyone touches the handle and the door right after a pee and lord knows if they've actually washed their hands afterward. People are pigs, especially men. They DO NOT I repeat DO NOT wash their penis hands after going wee in a bar. If they did, their surrounding bathroom brethren would shoot them a unified dude-you're-a-pussy look and shake their heads in collective disappointment. And then they touch us and kiss our cheeks and pass us drinks! With their penis hands! No thanks. I mean, I forget about it until I remember, but every time it crosses my mind it makes me want to take a bath in Epsom salt and cry like Glenn Close in the Big Chill. GROSS!

This post degenerated quickly. Moving along.

Maybe I could work as a bagger at Ralph's on Sunset. This way I'll be sure to run into people I know while I'm out on the floor, thus killing both my financial and social birds with one stone. I've also considered telling people their future. I'm not good at lying or manipulating* but I am good at giving advice. I genuinely like helping other people out. Not like moving or going to the airport help. More like listening to their inadequacies and telling them to essentially sort it out while secretly judging them kind of help. Shall open a storefront on Hollywood and Cahuenga with a neon sign in the window that reads Psychic Warlock Inside.

For now it's back to the lab. Hope everyone's enjoying summer. Sorry will be back soon! I love you guys!

PS- are you addicted to Alexi's site yet? It's so hot. I mean that in a sexual way. Funny, ridiculous, honest, and original. She doesn't like people who lean against walls. Amazing, right? A guy who leans against walls without warrant is most likely a complete jagov. Waiting for a bus for more than 10 minutes or catching a breathe during a morning jog is okay, but otherwise you're posing for invisible cameras and we're all noticing. NAGL.

Back to Alexi. We've had two lunches in two weeks and I've found that she's good times bananas. Wish more girls were off their rocker about life- just having fun and being nice to people for no good reason. Being bananas is really the only way to live. Can't deal with boring.

xx
Veevers

* manipulative lie

Sundays with Nick of Tim

by Nate Turbow

Happy 4th

from John & Drea

Dark brains

Dark things coax my noodle and calm me down. Being slowly scared instead of gratuitously terrorized absolutely thrills me. Pennywise doesn't have jack on Pencilface.

Sunshine Bob

Pencilface

thx Johnny xx

Fancy new title!

Do you like my new title? The beau-ti-ful artwork is by Ted Barrow. You know Ted. Handsome Ted who used to post on this blog here last summer? Sweet Paradise bartender who is getting his Masters in Art Theory at Columbia and has a much more facund vocabulary than all of us?

Ted is an amazing artist and an even more amazing writer. He's been holding old-fashioned Artist Salons in his apartment for over a year now, maybe longer. Well given that Ted is so talented, I wanted him to make me a special title for the blog. I was very excited about it the day he came over to work on our blog (ps we ended up watching The Hills Have Eyes instead).

We were on my couch with my shamefully unimpressive art supplies apologizing to us on the coffee table, and as I was taking notes on our ideas, Ted started drawing. Finally! A special branded heading that describes how I feel about everything in life! About three minutes later he gave me what you see above: Cameron Diaz and P Diddy.

Christmas in June

Just spent the week with John Roberts, my house guest. I don't think I can laugh at anything again. He's ruined all men for me, forever. My cheeks hurt for five days. You know what you shouldn't even read this post without making sure you see THIS first.

Johnny doing the Jersey Shore

I taught him a few things:

- When someone starts droning on and on or saying something inappropriate, simply turn to them and say "button it" in my grandmother Dottie's voice.

- Always throw slumber parties on Friday the 13th and play Bloody Mary 1-2-3:

Invite your best girlfriends over for a sleepover. At midnight go in the bathroom, turn off all the lights, burn one candle, and say "Bloody Mary 1-2-3 three times. (No one ever makes it to the last "3" because Bloody Mary comes out of the bathroom cabinet and murders you, obvy).

John taught me a few things as well:

- Always refer to awful people (like Ramona from Real Housewives of New York for instance) as rotten or poor creature. "Ooooh that Ramona is so rotten. What a poor creature."

- When applying chap stick always refer to your lips as cocksuckers. This goes for both men and women. Gotta keep those cocksuckers moisturized you know?

- For fun go hang with the douches at the Standard Hotel pool on Sunset and start complaining loudly from the deep end about how exhausting it is to have 'all these networks, talent managers, executives, producers, directors, and comedians want to work with you' and how you're over having drinks at the Chateau Marmont and Beverly Hills Hotel with power agents. Do this for 20 minutes until even the douchiest douchebags think you are extremely douchey. Then just leave.

- After your friend (named Aviva) makes you a gourmet breakfast of Indian eggs and tea then takes you to ride bikes all over town and brings you to Guitar Center and Supreme, start complaining out loud about how hungry you are because you had to eat slop for breakfast.

- When your friend (Aviva) is hosting a party in your honor, pull her aside and whisper 'we need to talk.' Then proceed to tell her how the party sucks and everyone's really pissed and is going to burn her house down. Do this in an indoor voice and be low key so she gets worried for a moment.

- When your friend (Aviva) is hosting a party in your honor, threaten to go down to the worst gay bar in Hollywood and 'bring back some f*ggots for a 3am meth party. Then explain softly, but frankly that she is going to get robbed and wake up to a room full of ten gays having a lube orgy in her bed. Apologize in advance about how it sucks that this is going to happen to her.

- While your friend (Aviva) is hosting a party in your honor, go up to her guests and say hysterically 'my laptop is missing you guys myfuckinglaptopismissing.' Wait for them to act concerned, then walk away. It's the host's job to make sure everyone's having fun, not yours.

- Make sure you tell all of the host's friends how she is super jealous of you and is constantly trying to sabotage your career.

- The morning after your friend (Aviva) throws a party in your honor and declares that it was 'fabulous' and tells you how 'awesome' her friends are who came to celebrate with you, respond with 'those aren't your real friends, Aviva. They're just using you' (in Jackie's voice).

Lenski came over to work on this project but instead this happened

I go nuts for boys with curls

Went to the Chateau Marmont that night to celebrate all the good things happening with John and his wigs. If anything good should happen to someone, he is the little bean it should happen to. I mean look at that punim!

Orlando friggin Bloom sat his gorgeousness next to us. He's ridiculous with that all that facial symmetry and those tight buns. Gimme a break.

Threw a primo fab party for John...

Ali

Daniel

Pia's puppy

Kitty and Alex

I was FEELING Camille's 90s black Cholita lips. Brang it girlfriend.

Alexi and Johnny

John's friend Laurel

(please stop touching him he's mine theenks)

There are so many things right with this photo, but the key points are: Kevin drew that penis-horned wolf for Rebecca's birthday. It's really not a big deal, it's not.

April and Yasi

Megan and Cam

Jerry is my new best BBM friend (you have to see this dude's cellphone pictures. I am DYING). The other dude is Jeff. He kind of looks like Andrew McCarthy during the Weekend at Bernie's era except AMC was a major dork (even in Less Than Zero) and Jeff is the opposite of dorky. Anyhow, Jeff has this brother whose face is so beautiful you can hear girls' hearts breaking as he walks down the street. I mean I've only seen pictures of him, but I'm pretty sure he's related to God or something. I'm too scared to see him in person because I'd never find any man attractive again. It would be like if my boyfriend went swimming with Giselle. I'd be toast.

Lenski and Alexi

On my list of TO DOs: Be pals with Alexi. Check! I'm in LOVE with her blog. I met her on tour with The Virgins a couple of years ago because she was engaged to one of the guys from the other band we were touring with.

It's all about BONE STRUCTURE people. Look at these hot pieces of aye-ess-ess! Pia and Rebecca. Rebecca is to die for and she's that hot guy's brother's girlfriend which means she gets to see his Jesus face all the time. Luckyduck!

Kevin

Ako

Little photo shoot ensued on my bedroom couch. Jerry and Camille:

This is my favorite snap. Camille laughing.

Curtis

2am post-party meal of French lentils, fluffed eggs, eggplant Punjab, and hot sauce.

Erica lives at Melrose Place. 88 degrees. We was mad hot, son.

Towel-Off: Parrotdise v. Hannah Montana

This was taken just an hour after I dropped John off at LAX. Look at how my amazing Budwieser bag looks so somber against the warm backdrop of Malibu. It's sad because John is gone and now there's a big hole in my heart where he once was. No more waking up to laughter and going to sleep with sore cheeks. I can't divulge anything about what you will be seeing of him in the future, but trust me guys... he's about to be a STAHHHH!

I love you John! Thanks for turning my life into an episode of Best Week Ever!

xo Aviva

WHITE LIGHTNING'S WET DREAM

What the kids dream up these days... they make life so much better than it already is.



For Elizabeth

Sundays with Nick of Tim

by Nate Turbow

New Phone

So I got a new phone and la la la boring, and I sent an email out saying that I needed everyone's numbers again la la etc etc. I got a bunch of hilarious responses, but here was my favorite:

Call me for a good time. I'm into PVC, latex, chains, crushed velvet, and role playing. Not really into leather, but will give in if the chemistry is right. Kinda have a fetish for girls who wear Sketchers with vinyl pants. Get at me!

BiCuRiOuSsExYgOthBoI4u

PS - John just taught me that if a gay guy smells a hint of homo on a straight, the proper phrase is no longer "gaydar's going off." It is, in fact, "think he's got dickbreath"

I know! So gross!!!