Monday, November 4, 2013

Pulling it Together

Please enjoy this podcast in which Amanda Savage interviews me about burning topics like
why I'm obsessed with Tinder and the age old debate: WASPs vs. JAPs. I also share my most embarrassing story ever. Click the link below to download the iTunes podcast:

This old photo of me saluting like a Corporal Asshole is part of my most embarrassing story. Listen to the podcast to find out more.

I also share some tips on social networking, which eBay posted on The Inside Source:




Pulling it Together is a podcast focusing on gender equality through comedy in an effort to rebrand feminism. Hosted by comedian Amanda Savage. Produced by Jillian Leigh

Enjoy!

xo Aviva

Friday, September 13, 2013

My Worst Date Ever

This is a repost of my favorite bad date story, originally posted 7/7/11



This song will never die. I'll be an old lady rocking back and forth in my rocking chair on the front porch (I live in the South somewhere?) and I'll tell my son to "crank this shit up." Probably more likely I'll be soothing my teeth between prolonged sips from a Bourbon lemonade, swirling regrets and theophanies into the thick root of a lowball. Sorry I said "theophanies." Just trying it out. Whaddya think? It's probably the worst, but I'm listless these days. Using new words is about as edgy as I get. I'm still waiting for the right moment to casually drop "excoriate" without losing friends.

One time I went on a date with a guy who lived, ate and drank on the Upper East Side. We'll just call him "Harvard Sweatshirt." A snowstorm hit and neither of us wanted to walk three long avenues to the train, so we went back to his immaculate, book-laden apartment. I pulled a copy of "Pockets Full of Chomsky" from his shelf and told him how I'd gifted the series to someone that very morning. His sweatshirt then asked me to "translate complex passages" chosen by him into what I think they mean in layman's terms. You know, because I was a fucking idiot who went to UCLA and couldn't possibly grasp or dissect Chomsky's philosophy.

The degradation sobered me up instantly. I was being hazed. Apparently my ability to break down the assigned excerpts into tiny little pieces at 2am and still look pretty must have been all that he was looking for, for that night anyhow, because suddenly I was "this" and "that" and "more things you want to hear from someone who you're attracted to."

It was freezing, there was a blizzard outside, and the trains were running on holiday service, but I walked three long avenues, transferred trains, and followed the East River home til I could get back to my bed in Williamsburg by 5am.

I don't have that kind of pride anymore.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

He's BAAAaaaack...

I can't design clothing. I can't sew. I can't sketch, or even visualize myself in new clothing until I've tried it on. I have very few talents and the ones I have are pretty common:

- Cooking
- Cleaning (I'm legitimately into perfecting sanitization processes)
- Coming up with brain-altering hashtags for my Instagram photos

Thus, it's neither fair nor kind of me to criticize someone else's craft, but "fashion" "designer" "Jeremy" "Scott" has pushed me over the edge with his new collection this season.

Scott, known for his elegant taste and ethereal musings has a new collection that looks like it was designed for the wait staff at that defunct tourist trap Martian Bar in Times Square. I think he was going for more of an 80's-does-50's camp feel a la Mars Attacks, with re-re-re-hashed Trash & Vaudeville patent-leather-zippered throwbacks, but that sounds way cooler than anything that hit the runway:


Spring/Summer '14 - Jeremy Scott Hates Women's Bodies, Evidence A, B, and C

This collection wasn't as offensive as past seasons, and I'd rock some of the one-piece maillots, but... IT'S TIME TO STOP PRETENDING THAT JEREMY SCOTT IS A BRILLIANT, INNOVATIVE FASHION DESIGNER. I mean, it's CRAZY you guys. We are like battered wives. We're too scared to say it out loud because everyone's "friends" with him and he throws the best Coachella parties, but we don't need to live in fear anymore! PLEASE STOP BEING AFRAID TO SPEAK OUTThere are others who feel the same way you do, who are trapped in a Boom Boom Room-sized pressure cooker filled with social climbers and fashion people just as desperate and full of shit as you are. Maybe if we all come out of the JS closet at once no one will notice, like bum-rushing a police barricade.

Let us not forget how he outdid himself with the S/S12 runway presentation, a veritable bounty of Cross Colors-meets-Pee-Wee's Playhouse couture. I was so moved I wrote about it. Here, I put together a Quick View of my three favorite looks:


Spring/Summer '12 - Those assless chaps shorts are sizzling on the scene

I know he's hustled for a decade to become a signature part of NYFW and I definitely respect the work ethic, but I've never seen anyone wear his clothing who I know doesn't get it for free. Maybe his Adidas collaborations offset the cost of production on his line, but I suspect he has a rich old benefactor in Paris who underwrites it all. If anyone knows, please holler at me in the comments or email me. On the bright side, he has a cool website and it doesn't look like he ripped off any legendary skate brands this season. 

I haven't seen any reviews yet so I'll look tomorrow and update you on the consensus, but in the meantime please share your thoughts in the comments.

UPDATE 9/12/13 9:30am PST: As usual, critics are raving about him again, too scared to call a spade a spade. The LA Times just referenced Mars Attacks and says "this collection combines the rebellious spirit of '50s-era youth with a future-past Space Age aesthetic to create a range of pieces perfect for the planet-hopping retro-rebel set." 

Really? Is it?

Monday, May 20, 2013

Science Proves Women Love a Big Ol' D

Big ol' D's have been historically celebrated through art and architecture as a symbol of virility and procreation. Our society obsesses over BOD's in comedy, literature, advertising, music, movies, sports, pop culture and fashion. Science has finally confirmed what we all already know to be the most true truth in the history of trueness:



The study was conducted by a panel of male scientists who may or may not have tiny penises. I wonder how much this study in obviousness cost researchers at the University of Georgia? 

If you weren't blessed with a giant you-know-what, there's nothing you can do about it so just try not to worry. If you make us laugh and want to make rad babies with you, it doesn't really matter. So let's all pretend we are all gorgeous and perfect and keep on bonin'.














Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Home Stretch


                            

Hello friends and family-

TWO MORE WEEKS TO GO!!!

I want to thank all of you who have generously donated to my AIDS Ride fundraiser. I am only $500. from my goal now and completely on track to meet the $3000. mark within the next two weeks thanks to you!

As difficult as it has been to raise this money, I have to say that being this close has motivated me both physically and mentally. Thank you for encouraging me and keeping me on track. If you haven't already donated please click the link below for my fundraising page and updates:


I also want to let you know that I am dedicating my ride to my stepmom Anne who did this ride on her 50th birthday after the passing of her daughter and my sister Natacha. I can't wait to do this ride and make your kindness, your donations, and your moral support pay off. Thank you guys!

xo Aviva

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

You're Making My Dreams Come True


UPDATE: 

Since my last post 3 days ago you guys have helped me reach 50% of my fundraising goal! Your amazing 
generosity not only proves to me that people still care about things other than the Real Housewives of 
Beverly Hills Reunion Episodes (not that there is much else to care about), but it has completely reinvigorated me 
personally. 

I was feeling a little discouraged. My team dropped out, I hadn't raised much money, the cost of a proper new bike, 
gear, and equipment are high and not included in the fundraising, and my training hasn't been good enough until 
recently. After seeing an outpouring of donations and friends offering to donate art, clothes and other things to help 
me hold a fundraising party, I feel inspired again and I would do this ride alone no matter what. Camping with 
thousands of strangers from all over the world even though I hate camping? NO PROBLEM. Being out of my 
physical and mental element? NO PROBLEM. Worrying about taking a week off from my regular job and clients? 
OKAY SLIGHT PROBLEM because I don't like taking time off. But it's all going to be worth it once I'm on that 
beautiful ride with all those goal-driven people.

I will be shouting out my supporters from the road on Instagram and sending postcards to each of you along the way, 
so if you haven't donated yet drop a few bucks on my page and join me on my journey! As a preliminary thank you, 
here is a cute cute cute cute cute cute cute CUTE thank you gerbil-hamster (what is it?):


Thank you to my supporters:

Alex 2/Tone
Jennifer Brandt & Nic Taylor
Rich Awn (see you on the ride Rich!)
Matt Lenski
David Cross
Ilona Klaver
Jessie Mann
Nelleke McCowan
Kate Carraway
Suzy and Coady Willis (who gave me $69.69 because they are perverts!)
Chevonne Moore
Mark Aguilar
The O'Niells
Delia Sweeney
Julia Dimon
Shay Neilsen
Ann Heche and the Heche Family
April Jones
Keeli Shaw
Jeremy & Danika Sirota
Nick Stern
Tracy Stewart
Michael Lavoilette
Alex Yenni
Elliot Aranow
Rudj Escobar
Nancy Kagan
Mollie Culligan
Sarah Soquel Morhaim
Kasey Price
Ellisah Gennello
Andrew Bangs
Avril Lang

I love you guys. Thank you SO MUCH!



Sunday, March 24, 2013

We're getting closer!

Hey guys! 

I am chugging along in my training for the AIDS ride which is now only 2 months away. I am excited to tell you that 
I have already reached 22% of my fundraising goal that I need to reach in order to participate! A lot of you have 
already donated and THANK YOU SO MUCH for doing so - your support not only encourages me personally, but it's 
helping to cure BABY AIDS N STUFF and save people's lives. Don't you want to cure BABY AIDS? Don't be a baby 
killer! (jokes etc etc more jokes etc)

Anyhow, I can really use your support with as little as a $10.00 donation. And of course if you are in LA, please join 
me for one of the beautiful long coastal rides in Malibu or to from the San Gabriel Mountains to Seal Beach on the 
weekends as part of my training.




I have a long way to go for fundraising and I'm going to start being very proactive about it for the next two months.
The sooner I raise the $3000. to join, the sooner I can stop posting about this ride and get down to the fun stuff, which
includes shouting out all of my supporters from the road and sending you postcards. Thank you all for your support so far!

Love you all!

xo Aviva

Friday, March 8, 2013

Bout That Life

I've immortalized my friends. Biggest ballers in the game

Matt Lenski

Carrie Imberman

Marguerite Wade

 Andre Razo

 Yours Truly

 Matt Murphy

 Nelleke

 Niles Roth

 Baby Lucia

Pollyne Gonzaga