Photo: Po being a "Do" in Vice's Do's and Don'ts the night I met her
My friend Pollyne Gonzaga aka "Po" used to date my other friend Rich for a brief moment in college. Unfortunately I wasn't around then to enjoy the "Rich and Po" jokes, but I had been hearing about her forever. I finally met this tiny genius in 2005 at Max Fish. When I walked in Po was sitting in the front booth with some of my pals. Except she wasn't sitting, per se, but was more lying on the floor with a semi-circle of people hovering over her laughing hysterically.
As we became friends over the years I realized that she's not only hilarious, she also spews black diamond-level jokes and gives really thoughtful advice when it comes to talking seriously about dudes. Feeling butthurt over a guy? Call Po. Need someone to play Dr. Dre's "Still D.R.E." on piano at a stuffy party? Call Po. Want a friend who makes videos of herself speed reading to Time Zone just to make her friends laugh? Call Po. Everyone welcome her to Everything is Annoying!
Po's Top 10 Visualization Techniques for Getting Over Someone
Disclaimer: I’ll let you fellas know right now this list has been crafted for the ladies. Creating a list like this for a man would involve different criteria and may be fairly difficult considering almost anything can turn a man on. And to Queers of all genders… enjoy laughing at the Straights.
It happens to us all; we get romantically fixated on people that are not good for us. People who we know are not what we want in the long run. Unfortunately by the time we realize this, the sex is beyond amazing. We've already created our own narrative to make up for the huge red flags that kept smacking us across the face as we were having ridiculous orgasms with a bozo.
I was deep in an unhealthy, long-winded hook up f-o-r-e-v-e-r. Every rational thing I told myself about how shitty it was (he said we should get married on the second date while he was making stains with pretty much every girl on his mattress,which was on the floor, he didn't believe my dog should get surgery that would save her life, his standard dinner was a lonely deli sandwich, and he was in the WORST BAND EVER), I would always find a way back to this person. But I wanted out.
Then one day a friend asked me to imagine him wearing Mary Janes. That’s it. Dressed totally normally otherwise, but with Mary Janes on. You know, walking around, running errands, attempting to have a serious talk with me about how he’s an anarchist. And that’s all it took. I mean, ok, it took a week or so of intense meditative visualization, but once truly committed I never looked back. Because really, who wants to bone a guy wearing a chunk-heeled, mid-nineties era, burgundy leather pair of Mary Janes?
Now maybe you're into guys in heels, so I’ve listed ten other simple visualizations below to help you get started. I hope these help you shake that triflin good-for-nothing-type-o-brother. Let's get with real men. Men that treat us well, who are considerate of our time, brains and needs. Men that are so phenomenal, you'd let them wear your shoes to your wedding and find it f*cking adorable.
1. BRAIDING HIS PONYTAIL. Just imagine him on the toilet, delicately weaving two braided pigtails to kill time.
2. HAM ASS. A ham ass is a butt that is wide, sloping, and looks like it's made of ham. It's particularly punishing when its attached to a small penis, but chances are you're not sweating a guy with a small p. Instead, just imagine your dude with a ham ass that moves sideways through doors, shops at the Men's Wearhouse, and chills behind the deli counter.
3. NEVER NUDE BASKETBALL SHORTS. My friend dated a guy who wore t-shirts during sex and when he got up to go to the bathroom (in his t-shirt tent), he would throw on equally huge basketball shorts. Unless your name is Tobias Funke, being a Never Nude is not funny. You know what else isn't funny? Wearing huge basketball shorts. All the time. Under Everything. Like this guy. (at 2:02)
4. THE HELICOPTER. Imagine your dude is angry at you. He's obviously a horrible communicator so all he can do to express his rage is The Helicopter. He just spins round and round with arms outstretched while he looks up to God, shrieking.
5. SQUEALING. While you are in the process of breaking it off with someone you are having great sex with, you may find yourself continuing to relapse with them in the process. If this occurs, just picture him squealing like Olive Oyl when he climaxes.
6. PENIS REASSIGNMENT. Are you with this guy because his giant penis makes your hoo-hoo sing? Let's wipe that out by imagining him getting genital reconstructive surgery. Boom. Instead of a magical penis, he now has a bandaid, Tom Selleck's mustache, peas n carrots, Kuato, a Beanie Baby, or an empty Crown Royal bag.
7. LOTION. Next time you feel like humping this brah, picture him with a towel wrapped around his head and torso while sitting delicately by the edge of a tub rubbing down his legs like a beautiful, solemn lady.
8. CRYSTURBATING. Unlike some of the other things on this list, your dude has actually done this one. I guarantee it. It is exactly what it sounds like: crying while masturbating. Wet, sad, and gross.
9. NUDE YOGA. He's tall with big blue yes, successful and well-mannered, and he's really good in bed. And then one day you catch him doing nude yoga, sweating in a downward dog. Frank n beans for dinner. Enjoy.
10. MEOWCH. Bitches who say "MEOW" are the fucking worst. It's a simple-minded attempt at being clever. Every time a girl meows, our gender dies a little death. Now picture one of them with the face of your dude and listen to him purr and meow his way straight out of your heart.
Bonus: he responds to everything in the affirmative with "Gangnam Style."
Good luck with your visualizations and if you have a gross idea for this exercise, please let us know in the comments. If we get enough we'll post a follow up - just include your Twitter handle, website, or whatever it is you want us to link to.
Follow Po on Twitter @Po_Lite.