Master Cleanse Theatre

Hey pals. "Why are you home alone on a Saturday night?" you may ask. It's none of your business, but I'm really really REALLY HIGH** right now so I'll spill it.

I'm on Day 3 of the Master Cleanse and it is making me hallucinate from starvation, exhaustion, and the THRILL OF BEING SKINNY (jokes!). I've done this before and it's always the same: 3-4 days of torture, then 5-10 days of feeling clean, clear-headed, thin, and energized. I mainly do it to kill my cravings and kickstart a diet, but pretty much everyone I know hates it and thinks it's shit. Moving along.

I'm too wiped to go out and I can't drink alcohol or eat, so I'm doing sober/old people activities. Today we went to the museum and Golden Gate park, and tonight we went to a screening of the 1927 silent version of Joan of Arc as the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra played a live score. It was an incredible experience, truly. Not just the epic movie (warning: NOT A RENTAL), but the music itself was perfectly composed. Seems that #OldLyfe activities suit me.

Anyhow, here are two creepy photo-morphing videos of Lindsay Lohan and Lady Gaga:






** By "high" I mean I'm both light-headed from this cleanse and vibing from the amazing show I just saw.

The Internet Is My Boyfriend: Week 3/25

Welcome back to “The Internet is My Boyfriend.” This is a happy place where I cull the best stories from all of my favorite science, news, art and comedy sites to bring you a moment of delightful procrastination from your job. I'm writing these for LMVO now, but I'll post them here for the regulars. 

This week was so boring in real life, the most exciting thing to happen to me was that my auto-correct changed “dubstep” to “sunstroke” (my iPhone is a 70 year old man, fyi). The glorious internet saved me from my monotony (coffee, run, read news, spend 8 hours looking at Buzzfeed, eat, sleep) and here are the results:

• A few weeks ago the witty ladies of The Hairpin posted about gross gross period sex. I’m squeamish so I could barely get through it, but someone in the comments referred to getting your cycle as “when the Communists invade my funspace”. And now we all have to steal that. If you aren’t on the pill and spend lots of time making fake babies with gentlemen you should read the entire piece. But if you are a guy, gay or straight, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES READ THE POSTS OR COMMENTS. Also, guys, why are you reading this post? This is for the laaaaadies. JK! I’m glad you’re here and hopefully want to take me out on a date if my dudefish decides he no longer wants to listen to me sing “I Will Survive” in the shower. What?
• Timmie Jean was not only a tattooed punk rocker in the 60′s (EDGY!), she was the very first woman to ever receive breast implants fifty years ago. Today she is 80 and she knows she is awesome. She talks about her ( . ) ( . ) in the BBC’s brief history of the boob job.
• And the “I Personally Believe That US Americans Are Unable To Do So Because Some People Out There In Our Nation Don’t Have Maps And I Believe I That Their Education Such As In South Africa and Iraq” Moronic Statement Award goes to Geraldo Rivera for being awesome at being racist. Thankfully, The Daily Show broke it down.
• Billions of ants around the world all actually belong to a single global super colony. Here is what you need to know about them:

- Apparently they act like old friends when they meet each other, even if some are from Japan and some are from Argentina
- The ones who live in Europe span 3,700 miles
- This super colony “could rival humans in the scale of its world domination”
- Click here for more ANTS FTW

• Someone should really write a horror movie about a giant pencil with large teeth who terrorizes kids on the playground and sucks them into an abyss so deep and so dark that their bodies bifurcate 100 million times like matter that passes through Black Holes. Here’s what the trailer would look like.
• Need to find a good gift? Get your loved one a sweet-ass pet portrait from tiny genius J. Penry.
• And sending you off on your superfunpartyweekend, here are the Top 10 Tweets from Condescending Willy Wonka.

Tomorrow I'm rounding up the best of (my) Internet for Cultist. Go subscribe!

I spoke to the Internet. His name is Bob.

Remember how I used to do The Daily Tids and people really loved those and just when they started to get going I left them abruptly and broke the Internet's heart (aka no one actually noticed)? Well, I've shucked my wares over to Cultist, where I will be doing a new weekly roundup of my favorite tids. My first post went up and everyone is buzzing about it! Check out some of the blurbs it's getting:

"Finally, someone is forging new territory by curating the best of the Internet in a keen, thoughtful manner." - David Remnick, Editor-In-Chief, The New Yorker

"Aviva's extraordinary recaps of today's core issues help us prioritize our news and determine our values as a society. Without her insight, we wouldn't even know where to begin." - Barack Obama, President of the United States of America

"Aviva is a portal through which the Internet speaks" - God

Read my piece for Cultist HERE.