Italy Gets Smushed: Jersey Shore 4 looks a wee tad unhealthy this season

In season 4 of the Jersey Shore, the cast goes to Florence, Italy to defile the Europeans. Prior clips of the season have been popping up here and there, but the longer trailer premiered last night and no amount of church can save the Italians from what is coming. And by "what" I mean a Snooki/Situation situation, two separate cast members being carted away in stretchers, Ronnie being extra Ronnie, meaning he vacillates between acting like a pet rock, repeating "I'm DONE Sam, I'm done" and being a violent juicehead gorilla. There is also an extremely unappetizing scene of Deena and Pauly D licking each other's tongues. Seriously. I don't think they're kissing I think they are consciously (and hopefully sarcastically) playing Dungeons & Dragonbreath open-mouthed on the dancefloor.


Snooki also refers to a very classy bidet as a very unclassy "doucher" and we see her crying on multiple occasions, including after an arrest of some sort, following an "OMG I DRIVE LIKE A GIRL!" fender bender.


Enjoy us, Italy! We have some very prominent reality TV stars showing you how your spawn has evolved on the other side of the Atlantic. Hope you guys can help the cast find their roots, educate them about their history and elevate their cultural nuances while they drink, fight and make sweet love to one another in Florence.

Chicks with Steve Buscemi Eyes

Thanks to super interns Amy and Janet for digging these out of the Internet's nose:

Chicks with Steve Buscemi Eyes

and also there is a Steve Buscemi dress and so forth

Still the jam

This song will never die. I'll be an old lady rocking back and forth in my rocking chair on the front porch (I live in the South somewhere?) and I'll tell my son to "crank this shit up." Probably more likely I'll be soothing my teeth between prolonged sips from a Bourbon lemonade, swirling regrets and theophanies into the thick root of a lowball. Sorry I said "theophanies." Just trying it out. Whaddya think? It's probably the worst, but I'm listless these days. Using new words is about as edgy as I get. I'm still waiting for the right moment to casually drop "excoriate" without losing friends.

One time I went on a date with a guy who lived, ate and drank on the Upper East Side. We'll just call him "Harvard Sweatshirt" to foreshadow the rest of this story. A snowstorm hit and neither of us wanted to walk three avenues to the train, so we went back to his immaculate, book-laden apartment. I pulled a copy of "Pockets Full of Chomsky" from his shelf and told him how I'd gifted the series to someone that very morning. His sweatshirt then asked me to "translate complex passages" chosen by him into what I think they mean in layman's terms. You know, because I was a fucking idiot who went to UCLA and couldn't possibly grasp or dissect Chomsky's philosophy.

The degradation sobered me up instantly. I was being hazed. Apparently my ability to break down the assigned excerpts into tiny little pieces at 2am and still look pretty must have been all that he was looking for, for that night anyhow, because suddenly I was "this" and "that" and "more things you want to hear from someone who you're attracted to."

It was freezing, there was a blizzard outside, and the trains were running on holiday service, but I walked three long avenues, transferred trains, and followed the East River home til I could get back to my bed in Williamsburg by 5am.

I don't have that kind of pride anymore.