This weekend my cousins all came to town for our annual Thanksgiving pig-out. My favorite cousin Wendy told me a story about how she applied for a job at a real estate company where the secretary's name plate on her desk with her title: "Director of First Impressions."
What is a Director of First Impressions? And how does one attain such a position? Am I the Director of First Impressions of Aviva Yael, Inc? Naturally, Wendy inquired about the title, to which the DFI answered "I was promoted up from Manager of Handshakes."
And that did not happen at all.
What did happen, instead, is that my entire family spent the remainder of the weekend making up amazing new jobs that we hope to someday be able to put on our CV. Here are my favorites:
"Assistant to The Vice President of Milkshakes"
"Senior of Vice President of Hiccups"
"Executive Director of International Business Development of Preciousness"
"General Manager of Attaboys"
"Associate Supervisor of Moustache Tickles"
"Senior Accountant of Indian Rug Burns"
"Cultural Director of Pouts"
"Cofounder and Executive Vice President of Spooning"
"Southeast Regional Manager of Bedtime Stories and Tuck-ins"
"Head of Strategic Planning for Eyelash Wishes"
"Global Marketing Director for Ponytails"
"Chief Executive Officer of Whispers"
"Chairman of the Board of Heart Tugs"
"Chief Principal of Fist Pumps"
"Midwest Division Manager of Shout Outs"
"Art Director of Smiley Faces" (this would actually, actually actually be a DREAM JOB. Thanks for this one Jolina)
and my favorite:
"Director of Affairs for The International Dimple Relocation Program"
3 millionth viewing of Dirty Dancing + 2 bottles of wine + fireplace + iPhones apps =
Now I feel like we know each other.
Moving along, I've been getting back into some of my favorite jams from the black '90s. I skipped Doc Martens and Nirvana and went straight to collecting rare jazz and funk at Amoeba and Saturn Records (RIP). I DJ'd house parties and had a rapper boyfriend. Here's me spinning records from the black 90s:
And now, some jams.
Diamond D & The Psychotic Neurotics "Yo That's That Shit"
Whenever I listen to this I feel like a dude but I don't care its so good.
EPMD sampling Average White Band. So good.
East Flatbush Project "Tried by 12" is still the jam. Song starts at :37
This is kind of a giant DUH because I'm pretty sure this has been everyone's favorite song at some point? Even my dad would like this.
Anyhow, there's million more but I'm gonna go to sleep. Oh waitwait! I have a stalker and it's not even a desperate lonely guy with low self-esteem! Just an online troll.
I think this person is going to eventually kill me (with the Internet).
A friend and I actually walked into the most crowded Starbucks in New York City (the one directly south of the Winter Garden Theatre in Times Square) and ordered the following which is a legitimate drink order that they were obliged to make (AND I gave my initials as "BS" and she gave her initials as "EZ"):
A grande extra hot soy with extra foam, split shot with a half squirt of sugar-free vanilla and a half squirt of sugar-free cinnamon, a half packet of splenda, oh and put that in a venti cup and fill up the "room" with extra whipped cream with carmel and chocolate sauce drizzled on top.
5 shot venti, 2/5th decaf, ristretto shot, 1pump Vanilla, 1pump Hazelnut, breve,1 sugar in the raw, with whip, carmel drizzle on top, free poured, 4 pump mocha.
Did you die 350 times laughing? I MEAN...
Now weep for the victims of these pretentious, self-righteous honkeys who unleashed their misdirected anger about the integrity of their coffee beans upon people who make $9.25/hr. working for Starbucks. As if that's not harsh enough.
Sorry if I just crapped all over your good time, but I feel your pain. I lived through it 2 minutes before I posted this.
Went to the gay Halloween parade and danced to Ce Ce Peniston with 13,000 amazing gays and a bunch of COSTUME GENIUSES, then saw my besties at Neckface's after party. Will post pics once my friends send along. Will steal some from Facebook and not tell my friends about it.
Every morning I wake up and read the whole entire Internet. Usually there's something about unemployment or Glenn Beck miraculously becoming the Secretary of State because you didn't fucking vote yesterday and let the reds take over the nation (particularly upset about the Gubernatorials).
See? This is what happens to me every minute inside my head unless I'm looking at cat videos or watching Bravo.
So, in order to counteract the pain that is life, I turn to the Internet to wipe my tears, hold me a little bit, and tell me everything is going to be okay. And then he makes me laugh and we run off into the sunset together. And by running off into the sunset, I mean posting these tidbits to share with you guys because this is my happyspace.
Disclaimer: I'm tardy to the party on a couple of these items but it would be unjust for not to share them with as many members of the human race as possible. Duty calls.
The Hairpin highlighted pretty much the most embarrassing article ever published by a man, ever. (via The Hairpin)
**note: I just want to take a moment before moving onto the next tidbit to tell you that THE HAIRPIN is my new favorite website (except for Gawker). The Editor, Edith Zimmerman, is responsible for this sentence:
"The more you make fun of old people,
the quicker you die."
If you know me at all you know that I LOVE THE OLDS. Like, I will get rear-ended screeching to a halt before the cross-walk if it means an elderly person can cross the road in peace. Even the grumpy ones.
Frank Bruni is not only Food Critic for The New York Times, he is one of the most distinguished and feared critics in the world. The fact that he reviewed this DISGUSTING CAFFEINATED MALT LIQUOR drinks cracks me up. (via NY Times)
I first watched this video in June thanks to Jillian, but I stumbled into it again last night and wanted to share it. It's not only beautifully shot and directed, aaaand super sessy, Charlotte Gainsbourg's "Master Hands" is the perfect soundtrack to this piece for multiple reasons (title, lyrics, composition, innuendos, the sexual puppetry aka molest-y thing Megan does to her real doll)... WHAT DO YOU THINK?