The Decade That Changed Everything

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM ME, CHRISTMAS TREE MOM GUY, AND 

YOUR MOTHER

'Hang in There' by Yasi Salek

Dear NY Times, thanks for inducing a violent upchuck this morning.

Unless I accidentally pop a Care pill I'm not going to write anything til after the New Year, so here's one of my favorite old posts for your entertainment. And ps if you're in SF come to our Annual Holiday Party at the 500 Club after 10. All are invited...lots of NY and LA peeps!




Did you read the Times today? There is an article about these depraved lonelies who pay money to have full-time orgies with a bunch of clay people (hippies). Except the guys aren't allowed to get their weenises touched. Its a cult centered around musty moon women achieving orgasms through group J.O.'s. Its headed up by a witch from... surprise! Marin County, where I'm from. I've told you guys about these freaks before, but now the NY Times has done an expose on these helpless puddles. Bourgeoisie sex for people who don't know how to eff. GOOD STUFF! Thanks for sharing this with us, you hackey sacks.

This just pretty much sums up everything I find unappealing about anything.

"...about a dozen women, naked from the waist down, lie with eyes closed in a velvet-curtained room, while clothed men huddle over them, stroking them in a ritual known as orgasmic meditation — “OMing,” for short.

Here are the very most vomitous pull quotes:

a coed live-in commune dedicated to the female orgasm. BLAAARF

"the slow-sex movement" NO THANKS

the Bay Area has a lively and venerable history of seekers constructing lives around sexual adventure. 

Ms. Daedone is a polarizing personality whom admirers venerate as a sex diva.

She concedes that she has made mistakes — among them the naked yoga class. NO SHIT

Both the strokers and strokees insist that all this OMing is really about the “hydration” of the self, the human connection, not sex.*  

*sorry, but if you are a a person who is described as a 'stroker' or a 'strokee' in a place where chicks cum all the live long day, how is it - if you are a man - possible that your focus is non-sexual and ultimately about replenishing your soul? Are these participants so leisurely and passive that they have to sign up for this ridiculousness? I mean, why not cast your testes in bronze and place them on your mother's mantel? You clearly don't need them and plus, Mom is  probably one of the ladies who is signed up to experience these group J.O.'s. anyway.  That would only make sense, since she and your father raised you to pay for this sad and questionable social group. This is some high-brow, overpriced, Stuff-White-People-Like deviant behavior cloaked in a spiritual self-help cult that enables women who are bitter about the biological advantages that men have over us while simultaneously allowing men to act like pussies- literally and figuratively. I mean, they aren't even allowed to cum, yet they pay to participate in the sexual satisfaction of menopausal women without any emotional attchments to them. Okaaayyyyyyy. A feminazi may take joy in this, but a healthy, normal, mentally balanced person would say that this is the biggest case of closeted submissiveness aka S&M a man can pursue.  Please give the deductive theory and all pragmatic thought a break. Thanks.

Soon the aspiring OM-ers... gathered on the floor kindergarten-style around a massage table. 

Another resident, Andy, began his task, his concentration so exquisite that he broke into a sweat. THANKS THERE GOES MY ABILITY TO REPRODUCE





For Ted Barrow

Merry Festivus Y'all

Hi guys! Aren't I a vision? It's the magic of the Sears Portrait Studio (Tasha and I were the only adults there without a child). Anyhow, I'm sitting on the couch w my fam drinking mulled wine around the fire, watching A Christmas Story on TBS and making last minute prezzies for the pals I haven't seen yet.

 

FESTIVUS

I'd like to start off with the airing of grievances, it being Festivus and all. And since I can't go one single post without complaining (I LOVE COMPLAINING ITS THE BEST) here it is motherfuckers: I miss Christmastime in New York. Yeah I know- First World problems.

Every year I take a requisite trip uptown to see the Bergdorf windows and walk through Central Park. It's a little something I like to call...

JAP DAY

Last year I went w Johnny and Lenski. We didn't actually reach the tree but we DID manage to pick up Carrie at Kentshire and make our way to the Oyster Bar in Grand Central. I haven't missed this tradition in 8 years...til now.

 

Johnny aka Christmas Tree Mom Guy

When I was wee my mom and grandma would get dressed up and we'd go to the Plaza Hotel for High Tea during the holidays. Remembering it makes me REALLY miss New York. But then again I'm with the people I love most and the weather in Northern California is d-reamy. And we just had High Tea at the Ritz-Carlton where they have a girl dressed as a gold angel play the harp. Frakin' lovely. Tomorrow we're doing what everyone does: opening prezzies, cooking all day, pigging out, drinking too much, walking it out, and going to see a blockbuster (least Jewish family ever?)

Something terrible is happening to me right now and I can't write anything without getting seriously emo. And NO I'm NOT depressed in case you were hoping (I'm talking to you ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend, guy I'm currently dating, and internet strangers who are judging me). I don't know what it is. But anyhow back when I still had the ability to WRITE I told a tale of the most boring Christmas ever starring a married couple, Zack Attack and two bald Jewish comedians you all know and love (click link below). Enjoy!

MY BORING CHRISTMAS

I love you guys and hope you all have a happy holiday! I'm off the grid xx

Love,

Avivaclaus

Dear Readers

I'll be contributing some Pop Culture stuff to the Huffington Post. I'll also be telling New Yorkers who live in LA and love-slash-hate it here how to make life excellent. We give up the fun stuff and the constant inspiration for the sprawling property, beach and year-round sunshine. We also have to apologize to our eyes who surrendered the minute our toes touched the tarmac at LAX. I mean, there is NOTHING to look at here, folks. It's a wasteland, where taste, class, and decorum go to die. BUT... I have a figgin fireplace, outdoor dining capabilities in my patio, a rose garden in back and a fern forest in the front yard, so BUHBYE New York (shh...I'm moving back someday I can't take it anymore).

In the meantime, here tis: THE RISE OF THE GUIDO

Also, you can learn something about me below. It's from Hey-Bunny, Yasi's blog...from long ago, before I turned into a yoga turd who goes to Whole Foods in my running shoes and wants to write weenis jokes for TV.  I know, I know. You get to call me a cliche until the day I buy you with all my Hollywood money, then you have to shut the fuck up.

xo
Aviva

Nick of Tim: Christmas Edition

by Nate Turbow

BBC 4

SUPER EXCITING news! David's show got picked up!!! Bob Odenkirk, Spike Jonze, Amber Tamblyn, Will Arnett, and a ton of other amazing people are part of this...but we can't see it yet; it will be on in the UK. Hopefully it will get brought over here eventually. Anyhow who cares it is going to be HILARIOUS!



Going home for holidays tomorrow, back for New Year's. I'll try to post more New York stories while I'm gone. Happy Holidays you guys!

xx
Aviva

Skinpeccable

BUH-AAARFFFUH
Grossest word EVER, right? How about the fact that it's a fucking BUSINESS??? I passed it on the way home last night from dinner.

Anyhow, I encourage you all to follow me on Twitter going forward.

I do not carry on tons of personal convos and make inside jokes, I TRY not to drunk Tweet about who I hate, I never post pics of what I'm eating, and most importantly I consistently live tweet my IM convos with the "6'1 Ripped Stud with a Hot Rod" (this is a person I will not block from IM because I'm obsessed with him. Comedy GOLD).

Love you,

Afifs

Sooooo.....

Kids, it's great to work for yourself but it's also scary. Sometimes you're traveling for months and eating crazy dinners every night, the next you're sitting on your hands at home to keep from twiddling your thumbs. I've been filling up my time by hosting a fabulous party with Crystal, crafternooning it,  writing treatments, interviewing people of interest, cooking my fingers off, and cleaning my house to the point of insanity. I'm DYING. Anyhow, here is the progress report:

This is my Christmas Tree: a gigantic hotel lobby/funeral/wedding bouquet c/o Philip Lim sent to Crystal while she was staying here. GORGE.

These are my God's Eyes. I'm giving some to my friends and making the rest into a mobile for a baby friend of mine. Desa taught me to do these and even gave me some of the gorgeous metallic yarns. I'm in LOVE with these. Other crafternoon projects: friendship bracelets, tree ornaments made from glitter and dolphin tears, and mixtapes made on Flash Drives that look like twigs:

Neat-o burrito gifts by Afifa Yaels

ITEM: I NEED SOMEONE TO DRIVE FROM LA-SF WITH ME SATURDAY MORNING! ANYONE! JUST DON'T BE ANNOYING OR SMELL FUNNY AND WE'RE GOLDEN. EMAIL ME AT GIMMIE THE GOSS AT GMAIL

TABLE FOR ONE!

Nick of Tim by Nate Turbow

When I was trying to force myself out of being in love with someone (doesn't work) I decided to brave the bar scene and let the 30+ yr old retail employees who troll them try to convince me they work in 'fashion' (actual scenario happened- the guy worked at the American Apparel on Melrose). Being that I'm not much of a Boner Hunter, it got too grim for me so I did what every girl does when she's getting over someone- I spent my Friday nights on Yasi's couch playing online Scrabble and watching Super Nanny and Wife Swap. This came to be known as Nannyswap Fridays and we would name our Scrabble games things like "SADNSINGLE" or "TABLE FOR ONE" or "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" Occasionally our friend and downstairs neighbor Steve Lee would bring us Nacho Fries from Benitos and laugh at us.

Once we almost baked ourselves a wedding cake but the thought alone was so hilarious even talking about it induced tears, and there's a 'no crying' rule on Nannyswap Fridays. One time this guy picked me up from Yasi's for our first date. He walked in on Nannyswap and saw a big jar of pickle juice on the coffee table, an industrial sized bottle of Tapatio and Yasi's cat taking a shower in the kitchen sink under a running faucet. Date went well! Until immediately after we kissed, when I updated my Facebook Status to "In a Relationship" from my phone, then poked him in the ribs and said "Daddy can you take Mommy to In-n-Out?" (so wish I had the balls to do that to someone)

All jokes aside, I'm B-O-R-E-D. I've met a lot of nice guys this year but I haven't really met anyone I am drooling over in the brain yet. I had fun in New York for 5 weeks- met 4 guys, went out with 3, liked 2, hit it off with 1, and now I'm back in LA where there are 0 guys I like. At least that I know of.

LA is the land of Perpetually Overdone Everything. Everyone needs to CHILL out here. I mean, New York might be hectic and frenzied, but the people are relaxed so I feel relaxed there. As a culture, New Yorkers are confident and self-possessed. In LA, the city is relaxing, but the people are hysterical. Everyone's constantly shitting themselves, and over what? WHO CARES?

How do you not know that being a show off is embarrassing? Peeling out at a red light is not actually a cool thing, unless you live in a movie about teen angst from 1981. Every time you walk into a restaurant the entire place stops and turns toward the door to look you up and down (soooo queer). I love living here I do, but there are things about it that drive me nuts. Those things are the people. Outside of my friends I am not impressed.

And the guys here seem to have a serious problem getting dressed. Here's a tip for the hot guys: STEP AWAY FROM THE FEDORA

Girls, you guys all have good bodies and shiny hair so far, so my only advice is to stop being so mean to other girls. Honestly, it's  awful. No one is going to die if you're not the prettiest girl in the bathroom at Teddy's.

Anyhow, real talk- are there any guys in LA who don't look like they're wearing a costume that explains whatever type of music they're into? Truth is, I don't really give a shit what you're wearing if you're nice and polite and don't show off. It's New Boyfriend time.

Cute Things With Aviva Yael

Do you guys remember my recent trip to Tokyo for the Opening Ceremony store launch? Did you see how OBSESSED I was with Kiddyland and the MAMESHIBA (dog-slash-beans who give out trivia tidbits)? Welp! Not only are they back with new videos w/English subtitles, THEY ARE COMING TO THE U.S.!!

M E & M A M E S H I B A

I don't know exactly when this is going to happen- the internet is being vague about it. Anyhow,  Ramona is in Tokyo and going back to Kiddyland aka WAREHOUSE OF GIRLDREAMS. Relish in the cutededness of the beandogs:

CLICK THIS LINK FOR MORE VIDEOS 

Love,
   

Mamefifa
Afifashiba
Afifa-san
Afifs
Feefers
Afafa

DEAR TWITTER

Thanks for making Jersey Shore a cultural phenomenon and persuading my friends who don't own televisions to reconsider joining society just a little bit more by purchasing one. Thank you for all the OMGlies that OMGfacts post every day. I enjoy knowing that 85% of all pregnant women crave nachos. And most of all, thank you for teaching me about THIS AMAZING STOCKING STUFFER. I am interviewing these GENIUSES about their incredible product later today. Check it out son:

Only 302 views at the time of this post. You saw it here FIRST people!

What else? Nothing. I'm bored! I've been cooking and doing yoga every single day since I've been home. I'm still going crazy because I can't stand not working at all times, but overall things are peachy. Getting ready for my holiday party on Friday and need a favor. Anyone in LA have a laminator I can borrow? We want to make PORNAMENTS for the tree. Obviously if you have a laminator you're invited to the party, so please inquire within!

xo
Aviva

Veeversland: Part 2

Dear hot vintage girls who live in the lower parts of Manhattan: have you ever wanted a perfectly white eyelit onesie, a vintage logo PARIS attache by Jeremy Scott, or possibly a suede  thigh high wedge boot straight from Austin Powers' wet dreams? May I introduce you to Lisa aka Fullatron from Circa Now and Court, two of my favorite stores on the island. Her blog is bitchin btw. Oh what's that? A beautiful, stylish, polite Canadian clothes horse? Add that to your friends list.

Behold Lisa:

 

That was taken at the shop one day but the pic below is prettier (snatched from FB):

Bitch is FINE right?

Lisa just had her big 3-0. Thirty is the best year because unless you're a toad with a shitty personality, you're now happy and things are easier. You're no longer a slut with unrealistic, grandiose political ideas like you were in college AND you still look awesome in vintage dresses (but watch out because after 40 chicks start to look like art school teachers when they go retro).

By now you're comfy with yourself and you're pretty good at the sexxxytimes. You can talk soccer, bake apple pie AND give prize-winning beejs to your boyfriend. I can't wait to turn 30 someday!

Moving along, Ramona and I went to see Sean aka Har Mar Superstar at Jimmy Fallon. Tim Gunn and Willem Dafoe were the guests. We sat in the second to back row but were later stationed in the groupie section behind the band.

Later that night I went to go see Sean perform in Williamsburg with Elizabeth and one of the guys in the band said he remembered me from THE WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE. What was it that could've been so bad Aviva, you ask? Welp how bouts Julian Voice-of-an-Angel Casablancas having a pre-rehab meltdown on me in front of the rest of the Strokes (who I was in love with at the time...all of em...who cares...show me one person from the tits populace who WASN'T in love with them). Even though this went down 7 years ago, Julian's rant was SO brutal that his friend who I haven't spoken to since remembered me from THAT. Ultimately it has a happy ending after a series of events, but I prefer not to think about it. If you ever want to hear it I'll tell you in person. It is a bar tale for the centuries. ANYHOW! SEAN!

GUESS WHAT? HE SINGS LIKE STEVIE WONDER IN HIGH HEELS

Ramona's in Tokyo living the dream right now. I suddenly do NOT feel like recapping my trip to NY. Check out Moner's blog in the meantime.

CUTE ATTACK

Sundays with Nick of Tim

by Nate Turbow

BANG- EENG.

Dear Eva Mendes,

You are BANGALANGADINGDONG

JERSEY SHORE, YOU SNEAKY PETE YOU

P-retty sure at least ALL of you watched Jersey Shore last night. If you didn't you need to get your Armani Exchange'd ass infront of the damn televisions and witness New York's WET DREAM.

My obsession with the Guids goes back 6 years. First there was the 2003 live reading by Jon Benjamin at TINKLE of a poem from NJ-GUIDO.COM called "Shot Girl." Next, there was the photo safari mish with OBGY-Glen. We made it our duty to hang out in some Dirty Jerz Guido bars and shoot them all for a nice coffee table book (we honestly felt like National Geographic photographers about this. Of course we never did anything and there's no book).

This was followed by a 4-year montage of being obsessed with various Guido sites and sightings. One time we were blessed by the Oily Bohunk Heavens when we went to the San Gennaro Festival and the Gotti kids exited a Hummer right in front of us and all the little Guidettes started screeching like they were at a Dylan McKay mall appearance in the summer of '91).

Then, god bless his little 3M Photo Mount Spray Adhesive-encrusted head of hair, Lee Hotti suddenly started sizzling on the scene. Not long afterward I stumbled upon these DELICIOUS SPECIMENS OF STYLE (pleasepleaseplease for the love of god click through the pics to witness the splendid magnificence). Did you ever see the post I did about pre-StreetCarnage Beckles? He was so BUSTED.

This cultural phenomenon swept the nation and was followed by a timely release of Hot Chicks With Douchebags which categorically broke down the types of Guids we all know and love from the website. Throw in a little Tool Academy membership, some of the Ed Hardy disease, top it off with MTV's  lazy ass show that no one watches called Is She Really Going Out With Him and BOOM! GUIDO PIE.

And now, in it's latest incarnation, the Guido has become our new best friend with the JERSEY SHORE. First off, free beejs to all the producers who worked on this and a DP to the casting directors. Second, you know there's a 'situation' right? The Situation is that Mike's abs that are so ripped "it's a situation." And that's just one tiny sliver.

Welcome to mainstream America kids! Double high-fives and double Fuck Yeahs! May the Fist Pumping commence! FPz4EVA*


* Project Matt gave me that one

Crush jams

wake up to this song!!



These kids are from New Orleans and this song is totally putting The Oldies in the corner.

Generationals, if you come to LA I will make you Crawfish Etouffe, conjure up a six pack of Dixie beer (RIP), and throw on some Jelly Roll Morton, Professor Longhair, Meters and some EyeHateGod jams. Better yet, the fair ladies of TOTALLY will make you a music video for free just so this fan video can go to sleep forever in the sky (like grandpa did when you were wee).

Love,

Afifa

* speaking of New Orleans jams, Scarlet Johannson's cover of Sidney Bechet's Summertime is still on my shuffle. I will go so far as to say it is a KILLER CLASSIC ((Satanfingers waving in air))

From the Inbox

You know the Go Forth Levi's campaign that's giving us chills and making us feel young and free and like maybe everything will be okay? Those are done by Aaron Rose who is doing THIS:

From Aaron:


Hey All! In honor of the release of Beautiful Losers on DVD, we will be
screening a bunch of short films by associated artists this Saturday night
at Cinefamily. This includes RARE films by Mike Mills, Harmony Korine, Geoff
McFetridge, Spike Jonze, Chris Johanson, Jo Jackson, Thomas Campbell, Clare
Rojas and a bunch more. What's even better is that we will be there playing
a bunch of the stuff from the original VHS tapes!! There's a poster giveaway
too to anyone who shows up.

The Silent Movie Theater is one of the things I love love love about my neighborhood. LA is filled with under the radar secret spots. More New York stories coming up!

xx

Veeversland: Part 1

First off, I'm watching Xanadu and making fresh New Orleans-style oyster po-boys and cole slaw so I'm pretty much in the best mood ever. My family's from New York (where they harvest Jews) but I was raised in the French Quarter of New Orleans on Royal St before it became Disneyland, and I know how to make poboys. Roast beef, shrimp, oyster... I can even make a decent Muffelata. The secret is in the bread and the freshness of your ingredients. You cannot deep fry canned oysters... gotta get big, briny, Eastern oysters and light, French bread. My step family have the Cajun cooking skills for days. Hi O'Niells I love you! Ennehoooo.

Hello friends! Welcome to my 5 weeks in NY. I already told you a little bit so I won't drag you through the minutae of my life, like posting food pictures and telling you about how gross the F train is. I'm lying! I will so do both of those things! This is Danika and she was my first stop to friend land when I arrived. She made us a delicious pot roast and shared some amazing Scotch which is one of my favorite things in life- I love a rare, local beverage brought back from it's homeland.

 

This is out of chronological order, but I had an oyster party at Marlow & Sons with 12 members of my inner circle and then went to Carlen's big Billyburg Birthday Bash right near my old house. I used to live in this giant loft in a building that was akin to Logan's Run. EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE in that building was hot and under 30. I seriously think they ethered people on their 30th birthdays and dumped them in the East River- which literally lapped up against the side of our building. It was magical! Except for the fact that it was at the end of a street that the locals called Blowjob Alley due to the incessant amount of Hasids and hookers who did business right outside our front door. No joke I have a photo of one of them getting a beej from a girl in nothing but tube socks. Whoa- tangent. Moving along...

 

Its Nick and Nate Turbow DJing at Motor City! Nate, you are the unsung hero of Cleveland. I already miss you dude! For those of you who are new the the blog, Turbs does the Nick of Tim cartoons, which are based on his life. He never talks about how much of a foodie he is though, so I'm here to tell you that this guy knows where to eat and what to eat in New York. Seriously email him if you're visiting and tell him I sent you. This is his blog.

 

Normally I'm not down with OPP (Other People's Pets) but this special guy is David's dog Ollie Red Sox. She is the cutest dog in the entire world. Actually, I'm TOTALLY down with OPP. I'm like a crazy cat lady except instead of freaking out about cats (aka buttholes with legs) I am best friends with any and all dogs. Like, I hang at the dog park longer than they do.

 

Kinda gotta give it up to Dickchicken, for he hath left no surface on the island unscathed. He's the new UB40. He's the new Andre. He's the new Love Me.

 

Leyla's ice cream truck was parked in front of David's house and JUST SO HAPPENED to match my manicure. I picked OPI's new color 'Spirit of the Unicorn'

 

After mani/pedis and massages we went to the new Standard Hotel for oysters and champers. Blew off my day which nearly gave me hives, but it was worth it.

LA LA LAAAA I LOVE OYSTERS

That night Carrie met up with us and we went to Amber's favorite sushi restaurant SOTO. It's on 6th Ave and is truly the best sushi I've ever had outside of Sasabune in LA. Here come the food pics... yaayyyy party! They're not even good quality- all from my crappy Blackberry, but if any of these photos can convince just ONE person to eat at SOTO, then I've done my job.

Uni so fresh it was sweet (that never happens)

Yellowtail w truffle oil, ginger and wizard tears

Custard w caviar, chives and the eyelashes of a Griffin

Carrie called this one kitten tongues. There were a total of 11 dishes but I won't torture you any more.

This is Carrie- neighbor, old friend, hostess to the best ice cream socials and holiday parties IN THE WORLD. You may remember her from the opening of Opening Ceremony in Tokyo.

After dinner my drunk ass went to LIT. My hair missed getting washed three times before the smell wears off, so I took it out for a nice stroll down memory lane.

Oh look it's the love o' my life John Roberts. Those raccoon eyes are due to him shooting a video earlier that night with DEBBIE HARRY NOBIGSSS. I waited so long to post this blog entry that the damn video is up:

This is getting long and I have to go to the gym. Coming up: Gossip. Vice Halloween. Cute boys. Me about to make fun of the MAX FISH party at Art Basel. CORNY!!! MASTURBATORY!!! Canned! Also, probably going to be so fun. But seriously, HOW can A-Ron and OHWOW not feel like they're turning their scene and friends into a commodity? Sorry Max Fish (you are the livingroom of the LES and I've had my best and worst nights in you), sorry A-Ron (you're so nice and you're keeping the spirit alive and I love that you're inspiring the Floridians) and sorry OHWOW guys (your gallery is awesome) and sorry to the 23 friends who are participating in this (you're there because you're talented), but SERIOUSLY I cringed when I got this in my inbox:

If I were at Art Basel right now I'd go to this despite my complaints about the concept/name, so here are the deets:

OPENING RECEPTION DECEMBER 2, 2009 at 6PM

	LIVE PERFORMANCES FOR THE WEEK WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2009 I.U.D. / Silkflowers / Animals Of The Arctic THURSDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2009 BARR / Mike Bones / Wilder Zoby (Chin Chin) / Jaccuzzi Boys FRIDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2009 Gang Gang Dance / Endless Boogie / Teepee SATURDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2009 Special Secret Performance Resident DJ's Tim Barber, Leo Fitzpatrick and Benton

Okay, love you. Back later for more.