The Grey Lady meets the Ladies

Check out my piece on the LA Ladies Choir in the New York Times' Moment today:

CLICK CLICK

I interviewed Aska, Becky, Ariana and Frankie for it. Aska and Yasi were the two buds I went to go see in Tokyo. You can see some of Yasi's photos of the trip here:

CLICK CLICK

More coming soon (from me). Are you practicing your 5 tips?

Love you,

Aviva

Mean Apps

I realize that this maybe isn't the holiest day to be posting this, but I'm going to Yom Kippur services at 3pm so I wanted to squeeze in one last evil deed before I have to go apologize to/thank God for letting me get away with myself another year. I'm not religious, but I do go to temple once a year. It's more of an annual trip to the guilt pen for me than a spiritual experience. If you actually give a crap, which I can't imagine you do, you can read about how I once crashed a celebrity temple uptown with Debbie D HERE. Moving along.





Elizabeth aka White Lightning and I have developed a line of MEAN APPS for your iPhone. We would create these ourselves but we don't have the time so I'll just give these to you for free. Go ahead take them, they're yours...

1) THE STATUS UPDATER

This app is based on a game I used to play with a pal. You know how you want to stab at least 2 or 3 people you've befriended on Facebook due to their inappropriate status updates?  I recently went on a deleting spree and rid myself of everyone I had to shake for various reasons ranging from "who the fuck is this person, honestly?" to "I can't take one more picture of you looking so happy you turd." Once I started playing Facebook Auschwitz I couldn't stop. My finger was like an automatic rifle, deleting people by the dozens within minutes.

However, I had to keep a few obligatory a-holes on my friend list either due to long-term acquaintance or because their updates are so disgusting I don't want to lose the free entertainment. Here are some actual samples. I just can't quit these folks:

'Okay ladies..time to pull out the skinny jeans and Jimmy Choos... this girl is headin out the house!'

'I am DONE being sick. This Diva has her MAC lips ON!'

'Mentally and physically exhausted. I feel weird and confused about everything. Ugh. And I'm done with my period so it's not pms!! WTF?'



'Giving my brother Evan a ride to his colonoscopy'

Honestly I don't know how people do it. I mean why not just go nuts with something like:

'ATTENTION LADIES: VAGISIL 3-DAY = FALSE ADVERTISING'

or maybe

'DO TEARS MAKE CAKE BATTER TASTE BETTER? NEED TO KNOW BEFORE NANNYSWAP STARTS!'

The Status Updater exports your selected favorites directly to your iPhone onto a stream which can be shared with a network of other iPhone users. Much like Twitter but for embarrassing FB faux pas only.


2) THE FACE BREAKER

U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi you ugly WHATWHAT you uglayyyy... This one is made for your super pretty friend who is prettier than all the rest of you and knows it. The one who ruins all spontaneous funtimes by making you take 5 photos of her til you get the best shot. Snap away because this app has an option that allows you to review your photos with a slightly expanded playback that makes everyone look fat, an undetectably subtle but present funhouse distortion, or a broken mirror. Comes with Facebook Upload option and a Twitpic gadget. Get her!

3) ANONYMOUS BITCHY TEXT MESSAGING

Just send your shitty underhanded thoughts to this app along with the destination phone number and voila! This is the best alternative to drunkenly telling off your ex and it's a great way to harass their new girl/boyfriend consequence-free! (you obvs already have their number, know where they work and follow them on Twitter under the name Eugene Slovovia, you little stalker).

Send these to your boss, roommate, or that guy you met once at a party who was kind of annoying and all your friends wanted to smash his face in but you took pity on him and in a moment of empathy gave him your number and now he invites himself to everything and will probably move to the same city you do, no matter where that is. Send any message to anyone through this app- it hides your number and the source. One rule though: we said BITCHY texts, not LIFE RUINING.

So there. Someone develop these and go make a million dollars. You're welcome!

Sundays with Nick of Tim

by Nate Turbow

YOU

I want you to read my last post about making people fall in love with you and when you're done reading it, visualize yourself being the dreamboat you've become. You're a considerate, healthy, clean, cook who tips well by now, right? Now here is your montage song and by the end, you'll be MARRIED and MAKING BABIES!!!


This is just the best fucking song fucking ever. Incessant cursing is necessary when you're in love with something.

xo

SAD N SINGLE: TIPS ON HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

me, leading by example c. 2007

Like my happily-married-with-two-kids friend Blogn*gger says "Careful, being married is like having a TV with only one channel."

Okay so you're not married, but you're also not sad about being able to touch strangers' privates. You love meeting randoms in bars and taking them home, right? (Kidding).

It's fun to meet guys/girls and go out to eat and watch movies but truth is, if you're single for too long you start writing your own eulogy because you know you are going to die alone. Eventually that's how everyone feels. We need to be kissed, hugged and effed to feel healthy and happy, so it's very important that you do things to make that happen.

As much as I love a rotation of awkward manfolk trying to blaze me by the end of the night (who doesn't?) one channel sounds good to me. Not that I'm going to marry the next guy I go on 3 fun dates with. Trust me, I wish it were that easy to fall in love. But now that I'm 27 (COUGH COUGH) I've been thinking about making tiny people and I've decided it's time to get off my lazy buns and start doing things that will get me wifed up, like training to ride a bike from Vancouver to Malibu. Attending The Futurist's annual conference in Chicago. Reading to old people. And less lofty goals like, you know, cooking a decent meal.

Anyhow, here are 5 things you CAN and SHOULD do to improve your loveableness. No one is perfect and sure, you're not always going to call when you're supposed to, you'll be late or you might even say something mean and stupid, but those aren't the things I want to lecture you about because we're all human and we all mess up. My list is 5 simple things that if you can do, will make you more attractive inside and out. No one wants a lazy turd, so stop slobbing around and improve yourself. NOW!

1) MANNERS ARE FREE. USE THEM.

I really don't mind most people. I like a crazy as much as I love a shy little bean of a man. I've dated everyone from mysteriously dark-minded Dior models to spazzed-out dorky comedians. You make me happy, we're good. The only thing that I cannot and will not tolerate is rudeness. It's the one thing I'm really old-fashioned about. It's a sign of respect to show people manners and it feels good to be considerate.

Openly belching in someone's face is gross. Checking your phone at a restaurant and looking at everyone else but the person you're talking to is rude. Leaving an empty toilet paper roll on the thingy, rude. Ordering 5 drinks at a group dinner, rude. Incessant cursing, insanely specialized ordering, laying on your car horn... rude. How do NOT know this? It's common sense you animal!

2) DON'T BE CHEAP. IT'S DISGUSTING.

This is my very worst pet peeve because it is so tacky, makes everyone miserable, and is symbolic of how selfish and ungenerous you are. Basically, if you go to a group dinner, be prepared to split it and spend more than you want to. If you order a ton of drinks or more food, throw down some extra bones without trifling over the bill. On some occasions it's appropriate to trifle but 90% of the time, you're just being a dick.

Tip 20% always. If the service sucks still leave 15% unless your waiter was flat out offensive. It's hard to run a smooth restaurant 100% of the time so just calm down. Shit happens and it's not a big deal if they mess it up a little. And you know what? Even if you are broke that extra dollar or two isn't going to break you. What are you going to do with one extra fucking dollar? Give it to the cabbie, the nail ladies, the valet, whoever. Bartenders clearly don't buy homes from bartending, so just tip a dollar a drink. You don't have to be lavish but be fair. It's just not worth it.

3) WASH YOUR HANDS YOU TOAD!

If you think I'm going to let you touch the most important parts of my body with those dirty fingernails you are OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND.

4) EXERCISE. PLEASE. WE CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE.

You are fat, huh? I know I am no peach when it comes to exercize. I mean, in my head I'm one of those black ladies who weighs 250 lbs and rocks tight little dresses everywhere because no one is ready for this jelly, milkshake, lady humps or whatever it is I have attached to my big butt back there. But in reality I have to do yoga and go running if I want to enter the bewn zewn with a super hot manfish of my choosing. I know from history that when I'm in shape I feel awesome and everyone wants to bone someone when they're feeling awesome (and looking awesome).

Listen, no more complaining about it. You can do it. Just get on your bike or walk. Go play soccer with your friends in the park. Go to Crunch on Sunset and witness Jeff Goldblum hanging out with the staff and working out in his jeans (not a joke). I mean look at you, you're gross. And you know what else? Being fat makes you smell bad. Do you want to smell bad? Then shut up and be proactive! We don't want to hear it.*

5) FOOD. LEARN TO COOK IT.

This is KEY. My dad told me he fell in love with my stepmom because of her amazing French cooking skills (and she looked like Grace Kelly when she was younger). There is no one in this world who doesn't mention someone's cooking skills when they're good. I've been making so much good food lately I'm pretty sure someone will want to die with me once they taste it. I mean, that's what marriage is right? You pick someone to die with and hopefully they eff you all the way to heaven and you never get sick of each other...right?


xo
Veevers

* Ladies: it's OKAY to have cellulite. As long as you take care of yourself some natural bits of fat still look fine. You can't hide a toned body and some of us just have soft tushies (me). Just wanted to make you feel better. The other good news is that most guys don't care- as long as you are fun in the sack they think you're foxy. But most importantly, it's about YOU feeling good about yourself. Go on, big fine black ladies in tight little dresses! You got it!

Friends

Crystal, Lindsey, Veevers, Merks outside of the Fish

Neat-o Burrito

Okay fine New York is superior to Los Angeles LALALAAA I know! But since I'm living in perm vacayland now, I've made a list of things that don't suck. CRUNCH and it’s members are not on this list. We’ll skip the obvious beach/hiking/desert/Grade A thrifting/scenic/comfortable/spread out/cheap organic food/healthy stuff and get to the gems:

1. NEAT-O BURRITOS

These wizards know how to make a Mexican food log like no one else. Have you tasted those rounded food piles at the Taco Zone taco truck? The carnitas are better than the honkey-friendly ones at La Esquina,which are delishaaasssss.



2. PROBABILITY OF HAVING YOUR MELLOW HARSHED EXPONENTIALLY LOWER THAN IN OTHER CITIES

True that living in LA is like trudging through a bog, except the peat moss is actually a mangled mass of desperate, rejectable assheads. However, once you get through the cultural sludge and find your own artfaggy weirdos to laze around with in the sun, LA is a place where you can quietly spread out in a piss-free, garbage-free plot of land, unlike New York. You can enjoy a $5.00 cup of Intelligensia with people who are intrinsically more relaxed than your hysterical, perpetually dissatisfied pals back home in The City. Instead of talking about how ‘the scene is dead’ and how you know at least 5 people who have died from heroin overdoses (I’m not kidding), you’ll debate whether you should get a brand new Prius or a fully restored 1985 convertible roll-top Jeep with a Malibu sunset airbrushed on the doors.



3. YOU OUTDRESS EVERYONE EVEN IN YOUR HANGOVER OUTFIT

Doy

4. HOUSE PARTIES ARE PRIMO FAB

There isn’t much to do here at night except get cheesy with the B&T and since models and bottles aren’t on your agenda, ever, you will end up in people’s homes. This is a good thing because almost everyone has a nice place. In the few short months I’ve lived here I’ve gone to parties with an actual outdoor dancefloor installed, glass houses in the hills, pools w slides and waterfalls, outdoor hottubs with views of the City below, beach houses in Malibu, cozy but beautiful bungalows in Los Feliz with gardens and yards and real property attached, farmhouses, mansions, and 1960’s architectural homes that were so rad I spent the whole time being jealous of the hosts instead of focusing on drinking their booze.

Also, being in people's homes is a nicer way to make friends and new eff buddies than being in a LES cokehole where sweaty foreigners scream over your head for Wodka Tawnicks. It takes a little more time and effort, but it's just flat out more real than running into the same people all the time who wouldn't even know that you died alone in your apartment after coming home from a bender until two weeks later when a neighbor found you and it ended up in the Post because they found hate mail from Jon Stewart in your pocket which revealed that you'd given him the herps. One time I left New York for 9 months to travel all over the werldz and when I got back people were like "I didn't even know you left." Nice. Those aren't friends those are alcoholics.



5. YOU'RE COOLER THAN EVERYONE ELSE AND NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO BE COOL

Okay here's the deal. You're better than almost everyone in LA. Honestly. Your friends are better too. Unless you are a night-clubbing Hollywood social climber who trolls Teddy’s on the reg and eats at Geisha House then chances are you’re just plain better. True, people here might be 8 jillionty times nouveau richier and more successful than you, but your priorities and taste far excel theirs. And they know it. Deep down they know it.

First Date Tips

I'm single now dudes. My friends are trying to set me up w glamorous menfolk. I've been having fun and meeting some smart, cute and even some pretty accomplished guys, but until I'm bananas over someone again I have some dating tips. These are the things I do to make sure I feel awesome about hanging with someone for the first time:

1) COCONUT OIL. BUY SOME.

Always put coconut oil on your body while it's still wet from the shower, then pat dry. Boys love the smell of coconut oil. It reminds them of their tween summer crushes when they had uncontrollable you-know-whats, and what's hotter than makingout with a girl who smells like coconuts?

2) MAKE YOUR HAIR SHINY

I love looking at shiny hair. It's up there with poreless skin. If you're like me, your hair isn't silky and beautiful. You have to work at it. I usually get my hair deep conditioned once a week and I sleep with a Morrocon oil hair mask overnight to make it super curly, but thats probably a bit much for most people. Whatever your hair type, just dont let it get dry and haggard. Respect your beauty - it will make you feel good!

3) STEP AWAAAY FROM THE MAC COUNTER, LADIES.

Here's your makeup routine: Mascara and lip gloss. Makeup almost always looks slutty because we wear too much of it. Unless you're a model and can do a thick smoky eye (and for that matter wear a trash bag) and absolutely no one cares what you do because you're a 10, take it easy on the face mask and play up your natural beauty. You're sexy, I promise.

4) TRIM THE HEDGES

Take care of your ladyparts and wax every two weeks. Don't get a Brazilian after college or you're just screaming low self-esteem porn sex (no judgements, but in my opinion I save the freakytimes for people I've spent more than 4 hours with). Plus, men appreciate a sexy, natural body. No one but Kid Rock wants a skinned cat. Gross.

Taking care of your ladyparts also means you should have a cute bra and undies on at all times. Spend lots of money on those. Not only will it make you feel pretty but eventually if you like him he'll see your undies, which is crucial because it's right before the part where you make fake babies together (not on the first date you slut!)

5) EYES, EYES, EYES

Look him in his eyes long enough and he's yours. If he's a jerk or a cheater he won't look you in the eyes too much. Trust me I know this and so should you. People are all the same. You can't look at him when you're lying either you liar!

6) MOMFITS: NOT FOR YOU

Don't wear: 7 jeans, those gentler, nicer yuppie Birkenstocks, or any kind of pile fabric on your bottom half. I'd mention more obvious stuff but you guys already know it all. These particular items are key components of a mom uniform. You are still single and hot and want to eff someone's brains out, remember? So stay AWAY from these items. You have your post-wedding life to go 100% comfortwear. This is your time to have boyfriends and flirt and have FUN.

7) SHUT THE HELL UP

It's okay to be chatty and nervous, but don't tell him how you hate your ex-boyfriend. What are you, 16? Of course, if he talks you under the table and you're not laughing the entire time, it's not going to work out anyways so you may as well get hammered and give him the tears n beers special. (warning: you'll have to move to a new city if you cry on a first date because they will tell EVERYONE and if you live in New York it's probable that everyone WILL hear about it).

8) EASY PEEZY 1-2-3... DON'T DO THAT

Don't sleep with him the first night. Sorry but is this NOT the most obvious piece of information in mankind's history? Your mom was right, so please give me a break. I don't care what anyone says, if you really like him just don't do it. If you don't really like him then whatevs, go nuts. Eff away! But just know that guys actually LIKE pursuing you. It's fun, especially when there's a big old hot payoff down the road. Also, DOY. Get it together!

9) HOLD HANDS

Unless your date is clearly not working out in your favor, doing old fashioned simple things like hand holding is the best. Last time someone held my hand it gave me butterflies. I knew he liked me. There is a reason these cliches exist, people- they're pleasant.

10) MINTS: A FUNCTIONAL INVENTION

Obvs you're going to kiss at some point and you want it to be steamy. Be prepared and don't be a smoky, drinky, makeup-y beast!

I don't need to give you the Cosmo basics on not talking about politics and making sure you listen and ask questions, because honestly if you don't know HOW to listen, ask people questions, and avoid a political argument with someone you're hanging with for the first time then you have a bad personality and no common sense. You don't deserve to have a good date. For the rest of you, good luck and have fun xo


Love,

Vivs

Sundays with Nick of Tim

By Nate Turbow

The Price is Right

Oh hey what's that? Oh. Yeah. That's just a picture of my Price Is Right Birthday Posse nobigdeal. Set your DVRs to CBS this Monday so you can see me going ballstothewallsbonkerstown... in the audience. Yeah I know. I can't believe they didn't pick me either! After camping out in line at 5 o'clock in the morning and being forced to talk to Diana the pathological liar in front of me and the 20-deep neon-swathed 'Drew Zoo' in back of me, I never got to Go On Down.

Even though we did our 'pick me' dance for the producers during the entirety of the show our efforts were fruitless. Obviously we were too attractive and they were just jealous.

I'm positive our moves resemble the Groove Is In The Heart karaoke video I did with my little brother at Six Flags that one time (he was Towa Towa, obvs). If you tune in maybe you'll catch us doing The Wave, The Water Cooler, and a little bit of Falling Out, Gospel Church-style. However, if you're someone I want to touch prives with, please do not watch. I mean, I'm trying to convince you that I'm delicate and demure and such a display could blow the cover off that lie.



Anyhow, they didn't pick us.

No PLINKO no YODELER no SHOWCASE SHOWDOWN. Spoiler Alert: the 2nd Showcase was a peepeeinyourpantsitssogood b-o-n-a-n-z-a; dude won a trip to Vegas, Catalina(?) and Seychelles. And a Prius. And some tacky livingroom furniture. Anyhow.

For coverage of our big adventure to crazytimes click this: COME ON DOWN.

xo
Veevers

RECONSIDER YOURSELF

I know I'm kinda late, but this just knocked me into the WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING AVIVA YOU CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE A NICE GAZPACHO mode. 1500 hours to make this:



Sometimes people are just plain ol' amazing.

IMPORTANT

I just made a perfect salad:

Chopped organic Butter Lettuce with Reed avocado slices, fresh dill, razor-sliced radish and Persian cucumbers with a homemade mustard vinaigrette.

Yeah, I blogged it. What did you think I was going to waste this announcement on Twitter? That shit was CRA-zy delicious.

Hey have you guys met Bobby Bottleservice?

Bobby Bottleservice talks to all the sexy internet ladies - watch more funny videos

(he kills at 2:27 prepare to die)

I'll finish blogging about the trip of the century aka 11 days in Tokyo when all my work stuff is turned in and my editor doesn't want to rip my face off. How bout that? Love you miss you kiss you diss you

THE SWAYZAUR

In a tribute to Patrick Swayze, somehow the piece that Entertainment Weekly did on my book last summer ended up on Gawker today. Check it out:

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ON THE SWAYZAUR

So I spent a year and a half stalking people with crazy tattoos- interviewing them, hunting them down for photos and stories- and this was by far my favorite. There is also a nice story behind it.

The guy who got this tattoo is a huge fan of Patrick Swayze and thought his skit with Chris Farley in SNL as a Chippendale was one of the best comedic sketches ever performed (which it was). So he took his love of the Swayze, made him into a Centaur and plopped his iconic, feather-headed image onto a bed of rainbows. So what's the problem? Guy is not only a fucking comedy genius but he has an eternal joke tattooed on his leg that his friends (and the rest of us) will never get sick of.

Anyhow, somebody in Patrick's camp showed it to him and apparently he loved it. He saw it just after being diagnosed with his pancreatic cancer and apparently it cracked him up. So that's nice.

And now I'm seaaaad. I loved him as much as the next guy. Like, little-girl-special-feelings-down-there-when-I-saw-him-in-The-Outsiders loved him. We'll miss you, you nice old man. Thanks for teaching Jennifer Grey how to get butt nekkid in the Catskills and for wearing that sleeveless flannel when you beat everyone up in Roadhouse.

Thing is, The Swayzar was ALMOST the cover of my book, but I nixed it for the alien abduction scene; a backpiece that took 120 hours to do. I wish now I'd paid more tribute to the man, given that he gave me my first tingles along with Ponyboy and Johnny Cade.


I guess once every 6 months I have to plug my book to make sure it doesn't die a slow death in the Barnes & Noble sale bins. You can check it out HERE . David Cross wrote the Foreword and it was blurbed by your favorite comedy darlings Michael Showalter, Demetri Martin, Eugene Mirman and Nick Ackerman of The Virgins.

Speaking of books, David is on tour promoting HIS NEW BOOK right now and will be in LA on Monday night at The Wiltern. I'm going to be there and so will you. Buy tickets! He's also doing a signing at Book Soup on the 17th in LA. I'll be there for that and would like you to come. His book is, as expected, hilarious. I plan to give signed copies to the people I love for their birthdays and Christmases this year (surprise MZ!)

We love you Mr. Swayze. There are no corners in heaven!

xo
Aviva

From the Inbox

Hopefully you've read my prior posts about my friend Dallas- an amazing writer and children's book author. He wrote AN AWESOME BOOK and most recently did something even more inspiring: he began a children's book foundation. He teaches literacy to kids and gives away a free book for each book he sells.

You can read his wonderful poetry here: DALLAS CLAYTON

His blog posts for Spike Jonze here: WE LOVE YOU SO

And you can learn about his foundation and who he is right here: A VERY AWESOME WORLD

If you have kids I've probably sent you one of his books. If not, please go buy one and read it to them. I promise you it will make their lives a little better.

Love,

Aviva

People

So there are these girls who get surgery to make their eyes stay open and innocent (pictured above). They're a mixture of goth, J-Pop and teenyboppers, but there is clearly a sexual undertone. Her shopping bag says JESUS DIAMANTE. I will continue to say that instead of the boring old classic 'oh my god' from now on.

Edna Mode from The Incredibles works at the National Arts Center now. She wanted me to let you know she's doing greeeeaaat.

New trend: Wet Seal's pastel-colored, floral interpretation of Cross Colors c. 1990: big on boys.

Japanese Richard Simmons. Spotted him when coming home from karaoke at 830am with some French babes. He was the icing on the barfcake.

Um, this is a construction uniform. Does he know he's in vintage Westwood? Please, pairing that vest with a casual tote and coordinating tennies, he's tearing down a runway right now.

Our bellhop at the Peninsula was the most beautiful woman in Japan. Click on that winning bone structure and then give me a break.

Shinjuku Drunku from Aviva Yael on Vimeo.

Moshi Moshi

Japanese Bathroom Tutorial with Aviva Yael

Japanese toilet engineers have come up with the answer to my dreams; my recurring wish of never having to touch anything in a bathroom. I mean I practically got a kidney infection refusing to pee on the plane and only went when I thought it could endanger the other passengers. I'm fine in people's homes but gas stations and airports and whatnot... would rather die.

Thank you robotic toilet gods!

From the Inbox

Tim just launched his new site:


TIM BARBER

Check out Mystic Heather & Virgin Snow

But we'll still check Tiny Vices every day to see who's snapping photos in the woods these days, right?

xx

OBSESSED

MAMESHIBA!!!

These little beans give trivia. Beans and trivia, two of my favorite things. Made into baby dog cartoons. Make that three of my favorite things.



WATCH AND LEARN

From the Inbox

(_)_):::::::::D ~ ~ ~

Pass it on.

ps- BN taught me that it's

(.)(.) or ( . )( . )

NOT

(•)(•) or ( o )( o ) as previously thought.


I'm done here. Lemon OUT!

KIDDYLAND

Kiddyland is neither for kids nor is it a land. It's a black hole is what it is. It's a portal to Beezelbub's bank account. Kind of suspicious that it's packed with cute Asian babies (chick kryptonite) AND it's right next to Shakey's Pizza (shady). Everyone knows that Shakey's is a money laundering front. I mean what divey LA pizza joint has a location in one of the most expensive areas of Tokyo unless someone's running a fence? Yakuza much?

EVERYTHING IN THE STORE IS SAD AND CUTE. No woman can resist a sad, cute thing. Again, if you enjoy your money do NOT visit Kiddyland. Send someone stronger than you: your boyfriend, dad, brother, butchy cousin Wendy.

I spent all my money on complete bullshit I neither want to give away nor will ever use. It's next level nannerpants bezerkballs in there.

Kiddyland is also the home of Snoopy. He has a whole entire floor to himself. $360 diamante-encrusted Snoopy card holder anyone?

Here are some of the gifts I bought people:

3-D puzzles


I don't know why I'm so obsessed with this banana dude but all I know is that his name is BANAO and he's kind of a serious guy with lots of worries. He's also my new cellphone accessory.


I can't really tell but I think he has this more confident alter ego or at least a mentor named ELITE BANAO who is a tanned, laid back dude with a huge ween. He's super cool so don't harsh his mellow.

The Japanese term for "cute" is Kawaii and it cray cray dominates here. It's part of the national identity and they use it in the subways and in construction zones to gently remind people not to step over the line, talk on their cellphones, eat food in public, or do anything out of order basically.

Let me tell you it works. Everything is so easy, clean and systematic here. Everyone is respectful and polite and they speak softly. It really brings out the gross in our (American) culture. It's soooo pleasant here I'm loving it. Anyhow, they take cute to the next level.

I MEAN

GIMME

A

FRIGGIN

BREAK

OH OKAY SO NOW YOU'RE GONNA BRING ON THE CAPYBARAS? WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M MADE OF?


THANKS FOR SHOWING ME THIS VIDEO OF THEM SLEEPING IN THE FIELD TOGETHER. WELL PLAYED, KIDDYLAND

IS THAT NECESSARY?

HEY WHY DON'T YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS SCRAM

NOT IMPRESSED

I was on a gift buying binge (you know I'm not giving a single item to anyone. These will sit on my desk til I tire of them which will be never). I took the party down to Tokyu Hands in Shibuya, the largest craft store in the City. Shall we?




What in the hee haw sauce is this? There wer elike five of them in a terrarium flying around in a mystical forest.

Heavy, realistic postcards





TOODLES! FOREVER!