Do you like my new title? The beau-ti-ful artwork is by Ted Barrow. You know Ted. Handsome Ted who used to post on this blog here last summer? Sweet Paradise bartender who is getting his Masters in Art Theory at Columbia and has a much more facund vocabulary than all of us?
Ted is an amazing artist and an even more amazing writer. He's been holding old-fashioned Artist Salons in his apartment for over a year now, maybe longer. Well given that Ted is so talented, I wanted him to make me a special title for the blog. I was very excited about it the day he came over to work on our blog (ps we ended up watching The Hills Have Eyes instead).
We were on my couch with my shamefully unimpressive art supplies apologizing to us on the coffee table, and as I was taking notes on our ideas, Ted started drawing. Finally! A special branded heading that describes how I feel about everything in life! About three minutes later he gave me what you see above: Cameron Diaz and P Diddy.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Christmas in June
Just spent the week with John Roberts, my house guest. I don't think I can laugh at anything again. He's ruined all men for me, forever. My cheeks hurt for five days. You know what you shouldn't even read this post without making sure you see THIS first.
Johnny doing the Jersey Shore
I taught him a few things:
- When someone starts droning on and on or saying something inappropriate, simply turn to them and say "button it" in my grandmother Dottie's voice.
- Always throw slumber parties on Friday the 13th and play Bloody Mary 1-2-3:
Invite your best girlfriends over for a sleepover. At midnight go in the bathroom, turn off all the lights, burn one candle, and say "Bloody Mary 1-2-3 three times. (No one ever makes it to the last "3" because Bloody Mary comes out of the bathroom cabinet and murders you, obvy).
John taught me a few things as well:
- Always refer to awful people (like Ramona from Real Housewives of New York for instance) as rotten or poor creature. "Ooooh that Ramona is so rotten. What a poor creature."
- When applying chap stick always refer to your lips as cocksuckers. This goes for both men and women. Gotta keep those cocksuckers moisturized you know?
- For fun go hang with the douches at the Standard Hotel pool on Sunset and start complaining loudly from the deep end about how exhausting it is to have 'all these networks, talent managers, executives, producers, directors, and comedians want to work with you' and how you're over having drinks at the Chateau Marmont and Beverly Hills Hotel with power agents. Do this for 20 minutes until even the douchiest douchebags think you are extremely douchey. Then just leave.
- After your friend (named Aviva) makes you a gourmet breakfast of Indian eggs and tea then takes you to ride bikes all over town and brings you to Guitar Center and Supreme, start complaining out loud about how hungry you are because you had to eat slop for breakfast.
- When your friend (Aviva) is hosting a party in your honor, pull her aside and whisper 'we need to talk.' Then proceed to tell her how the party sucks and everyone's really pissed and is going to burn her house down. Do this in an indoor voice and be low key so she gets worried for a moment.
- When your friend (Aviva) is hosting a party in your honor, threaten to go down to the worst gay bar in Hollywood and 'bring back some f*ggots for a 3am meth party. Then explain softly, but frankly that she is going to get robbed and wake up to a room full of ten gays having a lube orgy in her bed. Apologize in advance about how it sucks that this is going to happen to her.
- While your friend (Aviva) is hosting a party in your honor, go up to her guests and say hysterically 'my laptop is missing you guys myfuckinglaptopismissing.' Wait for them to act concerned, then walk away. It's the host's job to make sure everyone's having fun, not yours.
- Make sure you tell all of the host's friends how she is super jealous of you and is constantly trying to sabotage your career.
- The morning after your friend (Aviva) throws a party in your honor and declares that it was 'fabulous' and tells you how 'awesome' her friends are who came to celebrate with you, respond with 'those aren't your real friends, Aviva. They're just using you' (in Jackie's voice).
I go nuts for boys with curls
Went to the Chateau Marmont that night to celebrate all the good things happening with John and his wigs. If anything good should happen to someone, he is the little bean it should happen to. I mean look at that punim!
Orlando friggin Bloom sat his gorgeousness next to us. He's ridiculous with that all that facial symmetry and those tight buns. Gimme a break.
Ali
Daniel
Pia's puppy
Kitty and Alex
I was FEELING Camille's 90s black Cholita lips. Brang it girlfriend.
Alexi and Johnny
John's friend Laurel
(please stop touching him he's mine theenks)
There are so many things right with this photo, but the key points are: Kevin drew that penis-horned wolf for Rebecca's birthday. It's really not a big deal, it's not.
April and Yasi
Megan and Cam
Jerry is my new best BBM friend (you have to see this dude's cellphone pictures. I am DYING). The other dude is Jeff. He kind of looks like Andrew McCarthy during the Weekend at Bernie's era except AMC was a major dork (even in Less Than Zero) and Jeff is the opposite of dorky. Anyhow, Jeff has this brother whose face is so beautiful you can hear girls' hearts breaking as he walks down the street. I mean I've only seen pictures of him, but I'm pretty sure he's related to God or something. I'm too scared to see him in person because I'd never find any man attractive again. It would be like if my boyfriend went swimming with Giselle. I'd be toast.
Lenski and Alexi
Kevin
Ako
Little photo shoot ensued on my bedroom couch. Jerry and Camille:
This is my favorite snap. Camille laughing.
Curtis
2am post-party meal of French lentils, fluffed eggs, eggplant Punjab, and hot sauce.
Towel-Off: Parrotdise v. Hannah Montana
This was taken just an hour after I dropped John off at LAX. Look at how my amazing Budwieser bag looks so somber against the warm backdrop of Malibu. It's sad because John is gone and now there's a big hole in my heart where he once was. No more waking up to laughter and going to sleep with sore cheeks. I can't divulge anything about what you will be seeing of him in the future, but trust me guys... he's about to be a STAHHHH!
I love you John! Thanks for turning my life into an episode of Best Week Ever!
xo Aviva
Johnny doing the Jersey ShoreI taught him a few things:
- When someone starts droning on and on or saying something inappropriate, simply turn to them and say "button it" in my grandmother Dottie's voice.
- Always throw slumber parties on Friday the 13th and play Bloody Mary 1-2-3:
Invite your best girlfriends over for a sleepover. At midnight go in the bathroom, turn off all the lights, burn one candle, and say "Bloody Mary 1-2-3 three times. (No one ever makes it to the last "3" because Bloody Mary comes out of the bathroom cabinet and murders you, obvy).
John taught me a few things as well:
- Always refer to awful people (like Ramona from Real Housewives of New York for instance) as rotten or poor creature. "Ooooh that Ramona is so rotten. What a poor creature."
- When applying chap stick always refer to your lips as cocksuckers. This goes for both men and women. Gotta keep those cocksuckers moisturized you know?
- For fun go hang with the douches at the Standard Hotel pool on Sunset and start complaining loudly from the deep end about how exhausting it is to have 'all these networks, talent managers, executives, producers, directors, and comedians want to work with you' and how you're over having drinks at the Chateau Marmont and Beverly Hills Hotel with power agents. Do this for 20 minutes until even the douchiest douchebags think you are extremely douchey. Then just leave.
- After your friend (named Aviva) makes you a gourmet breakfast of Indian eggs and tea then takes you to ride bikes all over town and brings you to Guitar Center and Supreme, start complaining out loud about how hungry you are because you had to eat slop for breakfast.
- When your friend (Aviva) is hosting a party in your honor, pull her aside and whisper 'we need to talk.' Then proceed to tell her how the party sucks and everyone's really pissed and is going to burn her house down. Do this in an indoor voice and be low key so she gets worried for a moment.
- When your friend (Aviva) is hosting a party in your honor, threaten to go down to the worst gay bar in Hollywood and 'bring back some f*ggots for a 3am meth party. Then explain softly, but frankly that she is going to get robbed and wake up to a room full of ten gays having a lube orgy in her bed. Apologize in advance about how it sucks that this is going to happen to her.
- While your friend (Aviva) is hosting a party in your honor, go up to her guests and say hysterically 'my laptop is missing you guys myfuckinglaptopismissing.' Wait for them to act concerned, then walk away. It's the host's job to make sure everyone's having fun, not yours.
- Make sure you tell all of the host's friends how she is super jealous of you and is constantly trying to sabotage your career.
- The morning after your friend (Aviva) throws a party in your honor and declares that it was 'fabulous' and tells you how 'awesome' her friends are who came to celebrate with you, respond with 'those aren't your real friends, Aviva. They're just using you' (in Jackie's voice).
Lenski came over to work on this project but instead this happened
I go nuts for boys with curls
Went to the Chateau Marmont that night to celebrate all the good things happening with John and his wigs. If anything good should happen to someone, he is the little bean it should happen to. I mean look at that punim!
Orlando friggin Bloom sat his gorgeousness next to us. He's ridiculous with that all that facial symmetry and those tight buns. Gimme a break.
Threw a primo fab party for John...
Ali 
Daniel 
Pia's puppy 
Kitty and Alex
I was FEELING Camille's 90s black Cholita lips. Brang it girlfriend.
Alexi and Johnny
John's friend Laurel
(please stop touching him he's mine theenks)
There are so many things right with this photo, but the key points are: Kevin drew that penis-horned wolf for Rebecca's birthday. It's really not a big deal, it's not.
April and Yasi
Megan and Cam
Jerry is my new best BBM friend (you have to see this dude's cellphone pictures. I am DYING). The other dude is Jeff. He kind of looks like Andrew McCarthy during the Weekend at Bernie's era except AMC was a major dork (even in Less Than Zero) and Jeff is the opposite of dorky. Anyhow, Jeff has this brother whose face is so beautiful you can hear girls' hearts breaking as he walks down the street. I mean I've only seen pictures of him, but I'm pretty sure he's related to God or something. I'm too scared to see him in person because I'd never find any man attractive again. It would be like if my boyfriend went swimming with Giselle. I'd be toast.
Lenski and Alexi
On my list of TO DOs: Be pals with Alexi. Check! I'm in LOVE with her blog. I met her on tour with The Virgins a couple of years ago because she was engaged to one of the guys from the other band we were touring with.
It's all about BONE STRUCTURE people. Look at these hot pieces of aye-ess-ess! Pia and Rebecca. Rebecca is to die for and she's that hot guy's brother's girlfriend which means she gets to see his Jesus face all the time. Luckyduck!
Kevin
AkoLittle photo shoot ensued on my bedroom couch. Jerry and Camille:
This is my favorite snap. Camille laughing. 
Curtis
2am post-party meal of French lentils, fluffed eggs, eggplant Punjab, and hot sauce. 
Erica lives at Melrose Place. 88 degrees. We was mad hot, son.
Towel-Off: Parrotdise v. Hannah Montana
This was taken just an hour after I dropped John off at LAX. Look at how my amazing Budwieser bag looks so somber against the warm backdrop of Malibu. It's sad because John is gone and now there's a big hole in my heart where he once was. No more waking up to laughter and going to sleep with sore cheeks. I can't divulge anything about what you will be seeing of him in the future, but trust me guys... he's about to be a STAHHHH!I love you John! Thanks for turning my life into an episode of Best Week Ever!
xo Aviva
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
New Phone
So I got a new phone and la la la boring, and I sent an email out saying that I needed everyone's numbers again la la etc etc. I got a bunch of hilarious responses, but here was my favorite:
Call me for a good time. I'm into PVC, latex, chains, crushed velvet, and role playing. Not really into leather, but will give in if the chemistry is right. Kinda have a fetish for girls who wear Sketchers with vinyl pants. Get at me!
BiCuRiOuSsExYgOthBoI4u
PS - John just taught me that if a gay guy smells a hint of homo on a straight, the proper phrase is no longer "gaydar's going off." It is, in fact, "think he's got dickbreath"
I know! So gross!!!
Call me for a good time. I'm into PVC, latex, chains, crushed velvet, and role playing. Not really into leather, but will give in if the chemistry is right. Kinda have a fetish for girls who wear Sketchers with vinyl pants. Get at me!
BiCuRiOuSsExYgOthBoI4u
PS - John just taught me that if a gay guy smells a hint of homo on a straight, the proper phrase is no longer "gaydar's going off." It is, in fact, "think he's got dickbreath"
I know! So gross!!!
Monday, June 22, 2009
COME ON DOWN
I went to the Price is Right today for Mark's birthday!! The levels of next are so deep my mind can't process it all. If I were to sit and think about how to tell this tale properly my noodle would explode, but all I can say is that the white trash continuum got a big giant hole punched into it today. We met cray cray upon cray cray bat shit cray while waiting in line (from 4am, ps). It was BEYOND. Imagine The Mad Hatter and Lady Miss Kier starring in 2 Girls 1 Cup. Then stick a moist layer of orange film over everything and wash it down with a glass of astroturf. That's sort of how it felt.
5am campout
At 5:30am I showed up to meet the guys in my pajama top, leggings and a trench coat (pervy). This is our new pal Ann.
Despite the mescalin trip we were on, the entire day was amazing. One of the most fun experiences of my life, no joke. If I wasn't so uncomfortable from being cracked up on coffee while refusing to pee in the nasty Price Is Right holding pen lavatories for 8 hours, I would've approached the producers about permitting me to film a documentary on the hopefuls. Like Harry Potter Parking Lot meets Confessions of a Superhero. There was a crazy cat lady (of course) who spent her mandatory 10 second prescreening interview with the producers talking about her cats, endlessly, until they shut it down (she had been in the studio audience 10 times).
There was Wenzell who has been going once a week every week for 11 years and has never been picked to bid. You guys would've loved Socksnsandals; an ex-soap opera guy who kept putting pomade in his hair and practicing his reaction to winning the Showcase Showdown (he won a car 10 years prior). There was the DREW ZOO, a pack of 15 relatives who showed up in custom tees, each with a different animal and some Drew glasses. PRIMO FAB future Awkward Family Photo.*
There were plenty of scintillating bonuses, like when they made us dance to Booze Cruise jams like Brick House and Saturday Night Fever before the show to get everyone all jazzed up. The Price is Right girls were amazing, as was the George Hamilton colored announcer. My soul cried for him. We made friends with our neighbors in line: a nice old couple from North Carolina named Ann and Artillius (awesome warrior name much)? We wanted them to get picked so badly, but it didn't happen. They were bedazzled, of course. Oh, and Drew Carey. Drew Carey. So many more tales never to be told in this forum. It doesn't air til Sept but if I remember to tell you about it, you can set your DVRs to SAD and watch my PIR gang shame ourselves on the tele. SPOILER ALERT: we didn't go to the Showcase Showdown. All I wanted was to win $10,000 in Plinko, or send a yodeler on an ascent toward my destiny but instead I left with a coffee mug and some ants in my pants (literally, that's not a joke). Inadequate!
* Primo fab has just replaced delicious in my vocabulary.
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