Oversharing with Aviva Yael

I've decided to turn this blog into a new 'space.' A place where I can share my innermost thoughts with you. Thoughts and feelings feelings and thoughts. Expressing, expanding, growing, loving. A share space, if you will.

I'm no longer going to write about my friends and daily observations. From today onward, I invite you to participate in my new quest to... be. Just be, that's all. From now on I shall ponder life and all of its twists and turns. Present rhetorical quips that will hopefully inspire...

This is our place now. And we will letitallout. Let. It. Out!

GOD this feels good. Finally, I can emote comfortably to a willing and supportive community.

So here is my first share (I'm so excited!):

THE WORLD IS A BLEAK DYSTOPIA FILLED WITH LONELINESS AND DESPAIR.

Discuss.

Sundays with Nick of Tim GIRL EDITION!

by Nate Turbow

(Ed note: girls don't ever use the phrase 'sucked off' (ew!) we prefer more ladylike terms like beej'd handied and effed)

Its vomming time folks!

I have a little analytics thing that tells me who is stalking me or not. Yes, I can see you. Psyche! Or, if I were a gay black man, "Psyche your mind let your booty shine!" Unfortch, all I can see are search terms and how many hits I get.

Usually its "aviva yael" "aviva yael blog" "aviva yael book" or whatever. Sometimes I get "aviva yael boyfriend" but since I can't see who in the hell is inquiring, I just stare at it in wonderment for inappropriate amounts of time. My friends get Googled a lot and if I've mentioned them before they pop up on the analytics report. The most common ones in order are "meryl smith" (like every day, tons) "gavin mcinnes" "lesley arfin" "matt lenski" "ramona sidlo" and "jen brill"

And then there are these. awful. things.

Get a paper bag because you are about to blow some major chunkage Heather. I have NO IDEA why my site comes up when people enter the following search terms:

wrinkled cleavage
"you're so money"
pictures of peoples privates
told her i was a nudist "she was buying it"

EEEEEEEEE!!! EEEE EEEEE EEEEEEEE!!!!

That's the sound of me peeing my bikini, having heart palps, girlscreaming, then looking in the mirror to check if I look cute.



Kanye West BLOGGED about the non-sexual LOVE OF MY LIFE Elizabeth Spiridakis, aka WHITE LIGHTNING.

KANYE'S LOVE LETTER TO ELIZABETH



Girl you can ACTUALLY die now. You're probably already dead (she enjoys dying a lot, over and over again, even more than Rachel Zoe).

Look at that punim. Minnie Mouse here can be found talking fashion and making nice the photos at T Magazine and the NY Times' The Moment blog. But its her Gossip Girl recaps on White Lightning make the world go round.

UPDATE: The beef is on D-Listed! CLICK CLICK CLICK! You DO know that Michael K is my imaginary best friend right? You do know this? If I could only have one gay it would be him. I'd even cheat on John Roberts or Mark Aguilar, my two very favorite mangays. EEEEEEE!!

Girls Only!

These things were made just for us, ladies...

If you have a V, you will love this Thunderheist video. This little tranny jam has mild chicken violence* and gets rad at :58



If you have sparkling lady parts, you will love the Frito Lay commercials. Of course, chicks don't eat Frito Lays. Only school children and fat teenagers who smoke nefarious substances eat these, but its a dyaaaarling effort nonetheless:





If your boobs get luscious and hurt just before you turn into the Queen of Bitchytown once a month, you will enjoy this montage of handpuppets, crystals, nail art, finger jewelry, clouds, and mystic trees:




Crystal used a band that sounds like every little girl's dreams, the Lucky Dragons. Lucky Dragons are a couple who make their own instruments that sound like rattles and dulcimers but are made out of bungee cords or something. No idea. I hear that the guy is an engineer who went to MIT. Here is a picture of one of their instruments:



From some website:

For their live performances Lucky Dragons utilize hand drums, thumb pianos, synthesizers, shakers, computers, and gongs. Most instruments are played by audience members, often many people at once, which generates sound when one person touches the skin of another.

Well guess what? On New Year's Eve people touched each other's skin and music came out! They played around a bonfire at Aaron Rose's house party. Aska made Japanese food. Bebel and I dressed in matching headdresses. Then a bunch of other stuff happened. The evening ended with people shrooming** under the Christmas tree listening to Portishead at 6am. Sort of a high-tech minimalist Burning Man for intellectuals, artists, and models (just like me!!)

Moving along...

If you're of the gender who likes to cry, squatpee, eat avocados for lunch and perpetually thinks your boyfriend is cheating on you, you will enjoy this chickporn video I've provided below:



Okayokayokay ready to die? I saved the best for last. You know that cutesy iPod Nano commercial? No, not that one. Not that one either. The one with the Chairlift song. Welp, this 12 year old girl made her own video for it on her Mac and its soooo good MTV would wet the bed if they saw this:

(thanks for this Crystal)

Even though we're the ones who have to make the babies, not cry at the movies, give beejs, try to be the prettiest, and tell everyone its going to be okay, being a girl is still the BEST.

*nuh uh
** not me

Really'd rather not have feelings but...

Remember when mom read this to you every night before bed when you were wee? Remember being kind of mad at Max for having such a bad attitude and becoming a little bit of a worry wart when you heard the first growl coming from the forest? Were you sad but relieved when Max finally sailed home after his wild rumpus with the Wild Things? Me too.

Spike made some magics (even though he and Dave Eggers almost got dropped from the $80M movie for making it "too dark") and I cannot wait CANNOT WAIT to see this! Also, if you're a fan of Dallas, he did all the writing for the site and trailers. He's also taking "An Awesome Book" on tour, so if you have kids and a favorite bookstore that you want him to do a reading at, get in touch and I will pass it along. I'm helping him organize the New Orleans reading, so if you're there, holler.

Love,

Aviva

Bye Bye Myspace!

Being that I'm not in a band and that Myspace has been rendered nearly obsolete since the rise of FB and Twitter, I've decided to delete my account. I'm slowly cutting the cord as I try to become an adult. Next should be Twitter, then Facebook, and finally my blog, but I'm not there yet. I still need attention and I enjoy making inside jokes with my friends from the comfort of my couch. Quite a pain, as all of the links to my book press, interviews, my friends, exes, and photos will be going down with it.

Sope, here is a shameless display of all of my very best profile pictures. I decidedly don't have any fat/depressed/tired looking images available. Nope, only the very most fun, interesting, or attractive. Tragic that one should be so desperate, but Darwinism demands that I don't post any hideous pictures of myself.

My first and last New York palace. I lived in a waterfront loft in Williamsburg in 2002. Our parties were the glory days.

This is Chumpu. I sang to her in Thai!

Head-to-toe tourist gear

Boca onesies travel nicely in Cambodia

I just really missed my boyfriend when I was in Asia

I punch chicks sometimes (bad hair sitch)

SingaporeSingaporeSingapore. Best airline, best hotels, best street food, best High Tea (Raffles Hotel), worst tourist attractions. This was at The Gates of Hell. Someday I shall show you that trip.

And then Jesus descended from above

I was on the TV. I STILL haven't posted anything about my book tour. More on that later too maybe.

Hire me I'm good (first day on the job)

2004

Me and my boyfriend, Anguilla

Mollie, my mancrush

Oh Fubes? Me and the dude from Fubar, the greatest movie ever made? He was my wedding 'boyfriend' at Gavin and Emily's no big deal. We broke up the minute it was over. I shall always love you Terry or whatever your name is.

Goldy Goldberg makes deals ya know?

Donald is my power animal (last day of tour)

Veevers, Sarah, Har Mar, and Carrie. Some of my top shelf ninjas.

Sawry mom

Jay Johnston, love o my life, and Laura

Me, Lesley (and the LY's), Emily McInnes

Crystal and Aviva, the TOTALLY girls looking b-a-k-e-d. I hate pot. Photo by Patrick O'Dell

EWWWWWWWWW

Great, I'm sexist now.

I never discuss politics on this blog because who needs me to recap things you already know from an electronic soapbox, but seriously this Ann Coulter wannabe needs to get the f*ck outta here. She needs to shut her shrill, demented flapjaw. O'Reilly, Limbaugh and Hannity cried about how people who criticized President Bush and the war posed a threat to National Security, were un-American, and were displaying what terrorists and our enemies would see as weakness. So what the hell kind of gd domestic terrorist threat is this?

Cunto wants the citizens of her state "armed and dangerous" over Obama's plan to reduce global warming because "we need to fight back." Easy lady. If asking people, even in jest, to take arms against our President doesn't fall under domestic terrorism I don't know what does. Okay yes, there are some serious shortcomings and inefficiencies involved in his giant katrillion dollar fixit plan, but I believe in the general direction he's going.

I'm no liberal and I'm too lazy to be an activist, but I read the HuffPo feed. That's about as proactive as I can be (unhelpful). I LOVE Obama. He feels like a group hug. His cabinet is a cuddle party. Except for Rahm who is kind of a hot date rapist.

I agree with the Republicans' approach toward smaller government, but I would never vote R because unfortunately they don't know where to spend the pot or how to distribute it. Sure, let's reduce useless agencies but I really don't want my tax dollars going into defense unless the same amount goes toward public education, dollar for dollar. Obviously that's not realistic or even idealistic. Its imaginical.

Point is, I want to make tiny funny people someday, and since being funny goes hand-in-hand with being smart, my future little Veevers babies are going to need a decent education. Chances are I won't be able to send them to Lycee, so... so you get my point. I need to be a Democrat.

I won't torture you guys anymore, but seriously if Bachmann doesn't get the f*ck outta here I'm going to start hating all women in an uncontrolled fit of irrational, misdirected rage.

WHAT A CHIEF.

Great, I'm cheesy now.

Now that I've moved to LA I have decided to soak up the "culture" by acculturating myself. Aside from the obligatory new Ed Hardy wardrobe staples, I started wearing push-up bras and D&G thongs that poke out of my low-cut stretch jeans. I work out with a trainer 5 days/wk and go to the beach almost every day. I eat food only a rabbit could subsist on, and I lost almost 20 lbs. I'm meeting MZ at Pilates right now, then going to get 'real' Mexican food with Glen in East LA.

This riveting report was brought to you by formerly corpulent butter bean, Aviva Yael.

PS- anyone know a good tit doctor in LA?

Sundays with Nick of Tim

by Nate Turbow

Turns out I'm going to die in a freak accident. Strue.

Here's another tidbit I posted on StreetCarnage about my pal Derrick Beckles who is certifiably insane:

GO NUTS

I'm so bored here in LA that if I don't start working in TV in the next week you guys are going to have to call my parents and tell them I walked into the Pacific ocean and never came back.

What if I literally die of boredom here? Then again, having a house with a yard and a dog and a garden for the same rent as my Soho studio isn't the worst thing either.

Its hard to go from being surrounded by quick-witted New Yorkers who thrive on stress and constant stimulation, to plopping yourself into the most autonomous, snot-faced, backwards-ass-priority-having culture on earth. I don't hate it here, but I certainly do NOT love it.


SIGH... I came here to continue my success, not to whine about how superior life is back East. Its really not. New Yorkers are hysterical, neurotic, alcoholic, consistently unsatisfied freaks. At least the ones I know and love. Still, I love the fact that they're all ambitious in a good way, and not go-with-the-flow types. Eff that ess. Saying goodbye to the insanity of the City is an opportunity cost for being able to focus and be normal, I guess.

I'm dying inside.

Top conversational topics I've been privy to since arriving in Los Angeles:

1) CELEBRITIES AND WHICH ONES ARE WORKING ON WHAT PROJECTS

2) NAME DROPPING

3) WORKOUT ROUTINES

4) DESIGNER LABELS

5) DIET ROUTINES

FUCKing kill me. Name dropping and ogling celebs is seen as tacky and embarrassing behavior in New York, something I find very pleasant about the culture. Unless of course its an art star, and then everyone shits themselves and breaks out into a group J.O. There is no art world here btw, unless you're into mid-90s graffiti and "skater art" or SKART as it has been called.

K

I

L

L


M

E

Speaking of, I'm excited about the "How Will You Die" quiz on Facebook. I love that kind of stuff. How did they know I'm going to get into a hang gliding accident? SPOT ON.


I'm being really positive today. Bye.

MORE Boner Killers

I authored another intellectual exploration into the causes of erectile dysfunction for the angry couch-ranting masturbators over at StreetCarnage.

READ IT HERE

Gavin, who took the funny out of Vice and brought it over to StreetCarnage, has a website that has become a hotbed of rational thought and sober debate. I invite you to both indulge in my philosophical musings and partake in the academic discourse that lives in the comments section.

The SC readers like to weigh in on blog posts with brilliant colloquialisms, using terms like JELLIZ H8RZ and c*ntface. Their colorful commentary adds a certain vibrance to their already thriving community of rage and perpetual disappointment. Thank god I don't get hurt feels from blog trolls.

Aviva

Sundays with Nick of Tim

by Nate Turbow

Afternoon Tid: The Virgins on Fallon

Remember Wade from a few posts ago? Welp, check out the little pea on Jimmy Freaking Fallon. I'm NOT feeling Nick's sunglasses, but they're having more fun than we'll ever know, so fuck it. I also predict, after watching Mick "Donald" Jagger sway his hips through this performance, that he is going to eff his way through life for the next few years. I'm feeling the shirtless presentation. Its a throwback to the hairbands of 1988-1991 era. Girls like him, trust.



And here is the Indie 103 (RIP) acoustic sesh w Danny Masterson. He was really nice and came to the Vegas show, hosted the evening, etc. This was from when Erik was still the drummer. I love this campfire version of Rich Girls:



I'm going hiking to watch the sunset. Been working all day. Eyes are tired.

If you're a true Virgins fan, click HERE or HERE. Yer welks.

- V

Tales of New York

Hero status

Hi coolest bodega name in Brooklyn. I took my NIGHTBIKE gang here for a snack a few times. Its a grueling ride from the LES over the Brooklyn Bridge. Not.

My favorite brunch spot of all time is Cafe Mogador. Always the same order: roasted eggplant tahini, hummus and falafel plate, avocado salad. The lamb tagine is bonkers too. I'll be back soon my darlings.

Delancey Zoot Suit

Base of the Williamsburg Bridge

Screening of the Krooked Chronicles ft the Gonz. It was essentially a skater convention in the basketball court on Essex. It was a warm night, hundreds of kids were out, Simon DJd, and Ramona and I were going bananas. The cops shut it down, but extreme fun ensued later that evening nonetheless.

This is by a Swedish artist I really like named Charlotta Westergren. She had a show at the Bellwether Gallery, which, in my opinion, is the best gallery in New York. Sorry Deitchies.

Near the Chelsea Piers

Agathe Snow's outdoor art show in a parking lot in Chelsea. The Port-o-Potties didn't work.

Dash made these "Bin Laden Youth" flyers which were strewn all over the lot. I called the number... suicide hotline!

This little guy is my second favorite thing at the Fish. First favorite thing: The Julio Iglesias/Freddy Kruger mashup beer lamp. Coolest gift they've ever received: a bottle of vitamins that said MAX FISH on them from Thailand care of Yours Truly.

This place infuriates me. Everytime I walk past it, I get the same feeling I experience when I have to stir the oil into the healthy peanut butter from Trader Joe's. Makes me want to stab. I hear they're opening a hip vegan restaurant called Jungle Grub. Hey-o! I'm here all the time folks!

Okay okay okay. I understand that you were born with the worst ass in human history, fine. But did you really need to do your jeans like that? Can someone explain the logic and craftwork process here? Baffled.

MZ and I went to a BBQ in the hood. Like deep East Flatbush hood. Walking to the train we passed this place. Made me wish I were a 57-year old man so I could get in there and deaaance. They were bumping the JAYAMS.

Ran into these teenage lovebirds during a NIGHTBIKE trek. Look how freakin cute they are! From Jersey of course (near the South Street Seaport)

This kid talked like Tony Soprano. I was gazing out the window of the first car on the 6 train and I hear, "Where ya from?" I turned around looking for a 40 year old Gino and all I saw was this kid riding alone. I told him I live here, my family is from here, why? and he says (in full Bayridge Brooklyn accent) "Cause I figyuhd you was a tourist, lookin out da window at the tracks like dat. Nobody does that if theyuh from heeh, ya know?" He was heading up to Washington Heights to see his grandma after school. Only old school New Yorkers would let their kids travel that far alone on the train.

Telfar and Shayne (aka Cazzi from the House of Ninja) double-dutching near the Bowery.

Ramona and me in Midtown. Took my chalked up back to the Fish that night like a true lady.

Guido invasion of Sweet Paradise. Ted had to serve these chiefs all night.

Poor Ted.

This isn't in New York but since all NY Jews go to Florida to die, I'm hoping to be buried here someday. Under the flamingo.

Spaneesh Harlem

Chinatown

I haven't done The Daily Tids or Campfire Tales in awhile. I really need to get my news stories on again before my brain rots. I'm trying to make some stuff for you to watch on the TV someday, so I'm not capable of much more than posting photos right now. Til then folks.

xx
Aviva