Boner Killers

Have you guys seen these jams from Durex? These are genius. Pillows with barely passable women in their mid-forties who resemble meth-faced trannies provide longer lasting sex. They come in three tantalizing varieties:


The smoky-eyed gaze coupled with a phallic finger to the lips has been a killer classic in the annals of female seduction since Nefertiti. This ginger peach has a touch of Buddy Hackett in her. So delicate.


The pearl necklace on this WASPy lass is a nice touch. Looks like she is ready to take anything you give her.


Jesus, that was rough. Here some more classic boner killers:

Your Mom


Vagina McPantsuit

These guys

And with those morning tidbits, have a nice day. And remember no touching it while you’re at work.

Toodles!

xx

Many more of my intellectual musings such as this one can be found at www.streetcarnage.com

Facebook is the worst, really.

I did it I cut the cord! I deleted about 50 people that I couldn't remember meeting, and anyone who added me for professional networking reasons. I only want bros leaving me comments and encroaching on my personal life, not people I have tricked into thinking into I'm a boring normy for work purposes. It takes all the fun out of riffing, you know?

I already have 600 friends, all of whom I actually know. Do I need strangers too? How did it come to be that I know this many people in the first place. I only have about 30 people I think about on a regular basis in rotation and about 10 who I can't live without.

I'm sure I accidentally lost a few actual buddies, so if I made a mistake I'm sorry, but I just had to purge the randoms. It felt so good! The more I deleted the faster the process went. I stopped looking at mutual friends, how we met, and trying to place people and eventually got to if-I-don't-know-your-last-name slashing. I removed all bands I don't personally know and even some I do. I got rid of a couple of people I know for sure were creeping on me, people who obsessively update their status with lame shit (Hi Merlin Bronques from LastNightsParty, I don't need to know that you're drinking champers in a hotel room in Vegas with Daphne and Amber every night).

I also noticed some people who weren't there anymore. They'd probably either grown drunk with the power of the Delete function as I had or maybe they decided that FB is infantile, which it is. But who cares? The less, the merrier! We're free from our obligatory social networking friendships now. Let the witty commentary, pee pee jokes and inappropriate recaps about "last nights insanity" commence!

xx

Update: I just saw this in today's Gawker I'm so goddamn immature!

C.U.N.ext T.uesday (more party photos)

Danielle and Thomas

Tasha and Sarah

Maria

Me, my beer cooz and Shonali (check her out in Variety SHAC- hilarious!)

Lesley Arfin of the hilarious column Ask Barf.

Ex-boss/relationship therapist Suroosh Alvi



Brian De Ran aka Baby Legs. If you're into Animal Collective, Panda Bear, Battles and Gang Gang Dance, you're an artfag. But you might also be interested to know that Brian is the guy who is in charge of all those dudes. I met him at Gavi and Emily's wedding where he was introduced to me as "one of the Texas guys." There were almost 200 guests, but the Texas guys were so insane, I avoided them all and assumed for the following two years that Brian was a drug-addled lunatic. Um, whoopths. Not even a teeny tiny bit.

Wendy and Sameena



Tobias and Gob Bluth

Ex-roomate and superbro bestie Justin, Cat



See how cute Syd and Amy are? Big shocker: their daughter is a Gap Baby.





Leo, Shonali, Chelsea

Carrie has the best holiday parties, the best ice cream socials, and the best apartment of ANY of my friends in New York. Also, the best new lingo. I swear she invented stupes in like 2001. I know its a sweeping claim, but I'm 99% sure.

Todd with long hair

Ben and Lesley. PS I'm feeling The Arfinator's goth look here.

Amy Kellner is my favorite Vice writer in the history of Vice and my favorite blogger in the history of blogs (RIP Teenage Unicorn!) Darnit I'm still not over it. It was the best and the brightest of them all.

Noreen used to be my Fashion Week date. We'd go to shows and the parties together fora week then barely see each other for another 6 months. Ask me about watching Lil Kim perform the night before she went to jail at Marc Jacob's Fashion Show after party NOBIGDEAL!!!



Noreen and Danielle

Its funny that Gordon's wearing a Burger King crown, because he was the President of my Burger Club. Come to think of it maybe that's WHY he was wearing it.

Sad n single David, pre-Amber. We had a Valentine's Day party with a kissing booth which was super fun and packed with hot single pals. Afterward we went to the Fish and got sad n single drunk. The slurry kind. I'll skip details, but we ended up shooting this bow and arrow set that he'd bought in China. It had cat fur and felt like a dead cat. So nasty. Then we played with incredibly sharp knives. So very dangerous and so very UN-Valentiney!

Patrick and Anton the OG DJs!

Broest bartender ever Greg with Hot Stephanie. Steph and I went to the same high school, Bulimia High 90210!

Abby Klein, another amazing C. U. N.ext T.uesday DJ and one of my very favorite ladies in all of NYC/Philly. Love you Abby!



Michelle Nicole aka Leighton Meester aka Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl! Right? Dead ringer, hippie version.

Anyhow you guys missed it. It was a very special place. I love putting a bunch of people together in a room and making sure they have a good time. Ah, memories. I'll be making lots of those soon. I'm moving to LA in just a few weeks, and I'm going to miss all of you so much. It doesn't feel right to leave New York, but I care more about my career than being popular and beautiful and loved by everyone. Extremely beautiful. And popular!

I'm sad and I'm going away now. Don't ever check my blog again.

Love,

Me.

Sundays with Nick of Tim

by Nate Turbow

C. U. N.ext T.uesday

I had a weekly Tuesday night party in the LES at the Eastside Company called C.U.N.ext T.uesday. It was suuuper funtimes while it lasted. Past DJs included:

Ben Cho
The Henry & Thomas
Surface 2 Air DJs (Gordon Hull & Co)
Patrick O'Dell
Tony Ynot
Daniel Collas
Lissy Trullie
Anton & Patrick
Eugene Mirman
David Cross
DJ Fuckin A (that's me)
Wes Lang
Rebecca Guinness
Har Mar Superstar
Prince Language
Tim Barber
Bill Strobeck
Amy Kellner
Abby Klein
Lesley Arfin
Telfar
Leo Fitzpatrick

This is Mark. John Roberts is obviously my favorite gay, but Mark is second. Sadly Mark belongs to Hot Stephanie, Shay, and Mira.

Gordon Hull. My favorite of the regular DJs. He played Lovers Rock and Jamaican oldies. So great for dance parties. People made out more on his nights than any of the other DJ nights.

Anita and the girl who designs Marc Jacobs. Forgot her name but I'm genuinely jealous of her.

Saidah is basically the shit.




Ben, Sarah

Thomas (regular DJ) and some hipster dewd with an awful slant on irony

The chick on the right is this girl who worked at Cafe Habana FOREVER. I battled it out with her during the Williamsburg Dodgeball tournament. I got the entire crowd to chant CHEATER! CHEATER! CHEATER! against their cheatin' ass team. We had beef back then but now we're bros. The dude next to her is a complete and total BARNEY. One of my best friends dated him for two years while he sucked the life and money out of her. Every time I see him I have to thwart the douchebag darts that flame from his skin. You have NO idea.


DJ Fuckin A and DJ DC

Les Savvy Syd


Perry!

Chris and Justin. Justin's one of the hot British dudes behind a wee little company called Rock Star Games. Heard of it?

Wendy. If you're into crafts, being cute, or making clothes, buy THIS.

Smoky Eyes McGee in the middle is named Serena and she's the biggest fag hag in all of New York, except she's not annoying. She is in fact, a doll.

Carol Lee (left, looking perfect) and someone who I suspect was either her intern or at least a minimally paid protege. How come no one said anything to Carol about the no sunglasses at night rule? Oh yeah, because she'd eat you. Carol is not fucking around. Plus, who wants to tell a gorgeous magazine maven she can't do something for the sake of fashion? Not me.


Thomas the official Fashion Week DJ (he never goes out but comes out twice a year during FW to DJ the Seven party and other good stuff)

Ridiculously hot French chick



Berrin the beautiful

Aw, Patrick! We miss you in New York! He's living the good life in Los Angeles now. R.I.P. P.O.D.

Stone cold fox alert: Christina and leetle Naveed

Crystal and Leah

Hey! Its my bio picture! P.O.D. took this one. Thanks Patrick, I use it all the time. I need a new bio pic- this one's old.



No idea.


Amy, Catherine and her sis, Sarah. Does anyone know who Nathan Bogle is? Well, he's basically the most handsome man to be born in the Commonwealth, and he's also Catherine's sizzling new boyfriend. This would be the second friend of mine who has dated someone from my Wish List. The other one was Spike Jonze, love o my life, but that's long gone. I got over my crush about two seconds after my boyfriend and I went to meet up with Aska and Spike and saw all the smooching. ENNEHOOO moving along...

Leah and Adam



Tyann





Cellphone, check. Drink ticket, check. Coke vial, check. Okay let's go.



Justin Bro-bby and Veevers (that's me)




Daniel


Wes Lang (he DJd with Gordon, another regular)


Language and Josh, and I think part of Brendan Donnelly's face. Speaking of, WHERE'S MY RASTAFARIAN PUG T-SHIRT BRENDAN???


Debbie D and I crashed Temple Emanuel's Yom Kippur service once by saying we were from the Beverly Hills chapter and they let us into the 'B' service. 'A' was in the main temple and had a red carpet, velvet ropes, and big black security guards in tuxedos (no joke). This service was for the Madoffs, Paltrows, Von Furstenburgs, Rothschilds, etc. The 'B' people were invited guests who don't pay the $100K/year membership fees, and our service was on the backside of the temple in the 'theater.' The 'C' service was for the poors and was held in some dark room with no lights or running water round back.

Emanuel is no joke. Its like a Country Club for Upper East Side Jews. Its so beautiful even Jesus goes there to pray. HEY-O!

I think crashing a temple to go fancy pray is technically okay, since I only went there specifically to apologize for the past year's stupes maneuvers and thank Jesus for all the things I'm grateful for. And now that we're having real talk, those things would be: my amazing family, all my friends, my blessed life, and all of the opportunities I've been given. Amen.

By the way, I'm not religious AT ALL and I believe that when you die you're dead, but I like to go to Yom Kippur once a year for tradition and to give thanks. TMI?

Jon Santos of Santos Party House fame. Not really, but he is one of my favorite DJs. You can catch him at the China Chalet.


Gordy again

Justin aka Steve Zahn if he were at the Kokomo. More pics to follow. That took me forever...