First Date Tips

I'm single now dudes. My friends are trying to set me up w glamorous menfolk. I've been having fun and meeting some smart, cute and even some pretty accomplished guys, but until I'm bananas over someone again I have some dating tips. These are the things I do to make sure I feel awesome about hanging with someone for the first time:

1) COCONUT OIL. BUY SOME.

Always put coconut oil on your body while it's still wet from the shower, then pat dry. Boys love the smell of coconut oil. It reminds them of their tween summer crushes when they had uncontrollable you-know-whats, and what's hotter than makingout with a girl who smells like coconuts?

2) MAKE YOUR HAIR SHINY

I love looking at shiny hair. It's up there with poreless skin. If you're like me, your hair isn't silky and beautiful. You have to work at it. I usually get my hair deep conditioned once a week and I sleep with a Morrocon oil hair mask overnight to make it super curly, but thats probably a bit much for most people. Whatever your hair type, just dont let it get dry and haggard. Respect your beauty - it will make you feel good!

3) STEP AWAAAY FROM THE MAC COUNTER, LADIES.

Here's your makeup routine: Mascara and lip gloss. Makeup almost always looks slutty because we wear too much of it. Unless you're a model and can do a thick smoky eye (and for that matter wear a trash bag) and absolutely no one cares what you do because you're a 10, take it easy on the face mask and play up your natural beauty. You're sexy, I promise.

4) TRIM THE HEDGES

Take care of your ladyparts and wax every two weeks. Don't get a Brazilian after college or you're just screaming low self-esteem porn sex (no judgements, but in my opinion I save the freakytimes for people I've spent more than 4 hours with). Plus, men appreciate a sexy, natural body. No one but Kid Rock wants a skinned cat. Gross.

Taking care of your ladyparts also means you should have a cute bra and undies on at all times. Spend lots of money on those. Not only will it make you feel pretty but eventually if you like him he'll see your undies, which is crucial because it's right before the part where you make fake babies together (not on the first date you slut!)

5) EYES, EYES, EYES

Look him in his eyes long enough and he's yours. If he's a jerk or a cheater he won't look you in the eyes too much. Trust me I know this and so should you. People are all the same. You can't look at him when you're lying either you liar!

6) MOMFITS: NOT FOR YOU

Don't wear: 7 jeans, those gentler, nicer yuppie Birkenstocks, or any kind of pile fabric on your bottom half. I'd mention more obvious stuff but you guys already know it all. These particular items are key components of a mom uniform. You are still single and hot and want to eff someone's brains out, remember? So stay AWAY from these items. You have your post-wedding life to go 100% comfortwear. This is your time to have boyfriends and flirt and have FUN.

7) SHUT THE HELL UP

It's okay to be chatty and nervous, but don't tell him how you hate your ex-boyfriend. What are you, 16? Of course, if he talks you under the table and you're not laughing the entire time, it's not going to work out anyways so you may as well get hammered and give him the tears n beers special. (warning: you'll have to move to a new city if you cry on a first date because they will tell EVERYONE and if you live in New York it's probable that everyone WILL hear about it).

8) EASY PEEZY 1-2-3... DON'T DO THAT

Don't sleep with him the first night. Sorry but is this NOT the most obvious piece of information in mankind's history? Your mom was right, so please give me a break. I don't care what anyone says, if you really like him just don't do it. If you don't really like him then whatevs, go nuts. Eff away! But just know that guys actually LIKE pursuing you. It's fun, especially when there's a big old hot payoff down the road. Also, DOY. Get it together!

9) HOLD HANDS

Unless your date is clearly not working out in your favor, doing old fashioned simple things like hand holding is the best. Last time someone held my hand it gave me butterflies. I knew he liked me. There is a reason these cliches exist, people- they're pleasant.

10) MINTS: A FUNCTIONAL INVENTION

Obvs you're going to kiss at some point and you want it to be steamy. Be prepared and don't be a smoky, drinky, makeup-y beast!

I don't need to give you the Cosmo basics on not talking about politics and making sure you listen and ask questions, because honestly if you don't know HOW to listen, ask people questions, and avoid a political argument with someone you're hanging with for the first time then you have a bad personality and no common sense. You don't deserve to have a good date. For the rest of you, good luck and have fun xo


Love,

Vivs