Do you enjoy poetry slams?

Do you like angry, over-the-top, self-indulgent spoken word?

Do you enjoy people yelling in rhymes?

How about a rant about injustice against and hatred toward women with ample use of the "c" word over a nice folk guitar melody?

If you enjoy any of these things, you would have loved HELL YES! A Poetry Fundraiser for Underprivileged Youth*. Why was I there? A girlfriend of a relative who we will call Ruby invited us and we went because we all love this girl and didn't want to be turds. 'Us' was me, my cousin Tammy, and the love of my life John Roberts (you regular readers know him as Christmas Tree Mom Guy). Obviously we couldn't laugh so instead we avoided eye contact with each other, hung in the back, and silently texted each other messages like:

"I want to scream bloody murder!!!"

"My penis is sad"

"Just tie me to the back of the car and drag me home"

At some point John went out to the car to smoke a joint. He returned 5 minutes later extremely baked and immediately started cracking up at every word that came out of the poets' mouths. This put me and Tammy in a bad situation, as we were already desperately trying not to indulge ourselves and had been keeping face throughout the entire event out of respect for Ruby and everyone else there.

Anyhow, John poor thing was stoned out of his mind trying with all his might not to laugh. I decided it would be hilarious to torture him. I told him straight-faced that Ruby was onto his bullshit and he'd better chill out... then texted him every time she'd walk by with messages like:

"shape up john this isn't funny"

"her mom just looked over at you"

and

"don't fuck this up"

He was dying. They should've just called it CRINGEFEST and gotten some real sponsors. It was like a Fred Armisen/Kristin Wiig skit. CUH-RIIINGE! I mean we died like 200 times. Oh and here's a tip: if you're trying with every ninja fiber in your body not to laugh, do NOT make eye contact with your friends who are laughing so hard they're silently shaking with tears rolling down their face.

See you guys tomorrow probs.

xx
Veevers

* fake name