Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I miss Ted. Don't you miss Ted?

Ted Barrow used to write on here for those of you who are new to my world. But he doesn't have time for this blog anymore because he's off being fancy in his Upper West Side art den being intellectual and entertaining size 2 females who can draw. He's busy getting ready to go to graduate school at Columbia so he can write a fancy book and you know what? I miss Ted. Mean Ted nice Ted funny Ted complainy Ted smart Ted skate Ted cute shoes and good jeans Ted. I miss all those. You don't miss your friends until you haven't seen them for awhile, then you run into them at a party and talk your balls off. Then you forget about it again until you're cleaning off your desktop files and come across a folder with their name on it, and it turns out that its a hilarity vault filled with the most epic riffs, conversations, artwork, and photos you've ever laid eyes on. Let's all take a moment and remember him with a few of Ted's famous motivational posters from last summer:

And here is a picture from an IM convo we had about four million years ago, when he told me that he once dated a girl who had weird thumb nails and it bothered him so much he couldn't stop looking at them. They looked like this:

Here is his website. Read it if you want to die under your desk laughing. Here is the funniest figgin thing I've ever read on the internet, authored by you-know-who:



Sunday, December 28, 2008

The 500 Club

Hi again! How was your Christmas? What did you get? Who was the most embarrassing relative/friend and why specifically? Don't skip details- I live for awkward moments. I got some spa-type gifts PLUS I got a copy of Infinite fucking Jest! Can't wait to read it. I hear its a perfect unemployment read since it takes two months to finish. For the three people who care about me getting laid off, do not fear. January is a busy month. I'm typing some words on some paper and giving them to people!

I just found these amazing things:

Is this NOT the best gift on earth? Fact: guys like crafty, cooky girls. If you're crushing hard on someone and want them to make fake babies with you, stick your favorite songs on one of these and voila, you're someone's girlfriend. You're welcome. But make sure you really want to show this person your privates because they cost $120. each. Buying a guy a book is nice and all but making them a mixtape on a twig is practically a marriage proposal in comparison so make sure you're not trying to impress a lost cause. Its for special people only!

Moving along, this year my Christmas was perfect. I spent Christmas Eve day at the first YSL Retrospective at the DeYoung museum. I thought it was strange that it was held in San Francisco as opposed to Paris or New York, but it doesn't matter because I got to see it and it was amazing amazing. Then we went for High Tea at The Ritz and stuffed ourselves while a girl in some sort of medieval dress played the harp. It was all very formal. Came home and watched A Christmas Story on TBS and did stocking stuffers with my family. Christmas Day we had oysters and filet mignon for dinner and did presents. Went to see The Wrestler with Liz and ended the night at my favorite Chinatown dive: the Bow Bow.

You know how Stuff White People Like says that white people love being in places where they are the only white people? That shit is true. I felt like I won something, being that we were the only two Devil's Whores* in the bar. Just us and six old Chinese men pissed out of their minds, singing at the top of their lungs and laughing really, really hard in a way we'll ever know. Here are the only pics I have from Bow Bow a few years ago:

Mama has a huge crush on Jeremiah and used to give him free drinks while charging me full price. So cool!

No idea who those guys in the back are, but the blonde is my best friend Liz.

Mr. Lee was a karaoke champ in Texas somewhere. He claimed to be World Champion and had a run in Vegas in the 80s, but I can't prove that. Even if its a complete lie, he's 80 so as far as I'm concerned he's allowed to tell anyone anything about his past, guilt free. Look at him! He's 80. Damn timeless Asians.

So. Go see The Wrestler. Not including documentaries its the best movie I saw all year. Plus my comedian friend Todd is in it. He gets to be mean to Mickey Rourke! Can you imagine? I'd be so scared. I shared the world's most boring Christmas last year with him and some other funny Jews. Check it out HERE.

The 500 Club.

* Devil's Whore = white chick, according to the late 90s conscious afrocentric dude who called me one at a Roots show.

Sundays with Nick of Tim

by Nate Turbow

Sunday, December 21, 2008

24-hour marathon of A Christmas Story on TBS? Sign me the fuck up please.

I just made our Christmas Eve playlist. Top Holiday jams provided below. Yeah, I know, most of them are super obvious. Christmas isn't the time to flex your library of obscure music. Let's begin with the best Christmas song everever. I tried to find a video of it and as it turns out it doesn't exist anywhere, so disregard what I said about obscurity. Point is, this song is so jolly it makes me want to get on some public transportation and start hi-fiving people:

BingBingBing! This tune is on my playlist all year round. No joke, I used to play it at Lit in my bartending days. If you're in NY you should go there. It smells so bad your clothes beg for a rape shower when you leave. Anyhow, Christmas!

I inherited this song from Donald when we were on tour. What kind of rock band listens to Charlie Brown songs? Cabaret was also on constant rotation in the tour van. Showtunes are neither Rock nor Roll.

Holiday Road is from the second greatest Christmas movie in American history, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. A Christmas Story is the first, obvy. God this post is making me get sick of the word Christmas.

Don't Waldorf & Statler kind of remind you of Randolph & Duke Mortimer from Trading Places? Aww the lil shrivels. I love old people. Those cranky little peanuts!

This is my dad's favorite. Schubert #4 in C Major yo! Its beaut-i-fuls. Warning: if you are a guy don't watch this or your boy parts will turn into flowers.

I'm starting to realize that the reason I thought The Nutcracker was the greatest ballet on earth when I was wee is because its basically a live version of The Small World ride at Disneyland. Chinese Tea, Arabian Delights, Russian Dolls, Sugar Plum Fairies, sweetmeats, gnomes, snowflakes, mice, pies & tarts... soooooo hokey. I hate to say anything bad about it because I was obsessed with Clara up to age 9 and even played a mouse in the Ballet Hysell production (super big deal). But seriously when it comes to Tchaikovsky its all about Swan Lake, son.

Ummm the Reindeer STD ad is kind of cute:

Between the home cooked meals, the tree, cousins, babies, Netflix, and my ex coming over for some crucial catchups, this place feels like a figgin group hug. I am going to a pal's party now. Later!


Sundays with Nick of Tim

by Nate Turbow

Friday, December 19, 2008

Aviva Worky

Yesterday 16 of us got laid off from the magazine (this was round 2). I stayed til the end of the day but forgot to print out all my favorite artwork files on the nice printer in the Art Dept. Fail. My boss took me for a beer which was very bro of her. She's a very glamorous and funny woman who I won't forget. I loved my office too. It was pretty impressive as far as office buildings go. I worked in the World Trade Center high up where I could see everything. Ceiling-to-floor glass offices with a sweeping view of the Hudson, the Statue of Liberty, Wall Street, the Manhattan and Brooklyn bridges, Tribeca and of course Ground Zero. I watched the construction every day from the boardroom on the way out. Its going so fast btw. Did you know they set up cameras all over the site and they are going to make the entire thing into a stop motion movie? The towers will grow like trees, like the fungi in Planet Earth. They recently set up a map and images of the new plans and wowowowow its going to look like a multi-billion dollar Bladerunner set in Tokyo 2086. Park, museum, inverted memorial fountains that drop 30 feet down, visitor center and of course the three new towers. I want to work in those towers when they're done. The closer to the top the better. There's something about looking down on the City from high up that truly satisfies me. Probably because its so Utopian and soothing up there. I'm getting nostalgia for my view already! I'm also a little sad I'll miss my coworkers. They were pretty awesome, esp Max and my boss.

Anyhow. I'm on a plane today going to California to see my family and besties. I can't WAIT to get home. I'll post some riveting shet pretty soon but I need a little rest. I seriously just got out of the Twilight Zone. I can't even begin to tell you my week. Good news is, I doubt I'll be jobless for long. I mean, have you met me?

Happy fart noise.


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Christmas Wish List

Hello friends. Its that time of year again when I tell you what I want on the off chance that someone out there will send me one or more of these items. Its happened before! You will notice some expensive items (these are reserved for my family and close friends) and also some options for you strangers/fans/poors/charitable, good hearted samaritans out there.

1) God's Eye Mobile
I loooove these things. Can you make it as awesome as this one Carrie made for Emily's babyshower? It has to have smooth twigs and dreamy colors. Theenks! I'll wait here.

2) Marcel Dzama Melting Snowmen Canisters
Only $150. Hi Dad!

3) 90s Trivial Pursuit
I'm obsessed with American pop culture. This holiday season come over to my house and enjoy some winter soup while we play Trivial Pursuit 90s Edition and I destroy you.

4) Friendship Bracelets
If you make me one I'll make you one and then we will be friends.

5) Infinite Jest
If I can read The Singularity is Near, I can read this. I only know two people who have actually finished it and they're pretty awesome dudes. Plus, I read that Hal Incandenza has Asperger's and I'm perversely curious about this affliction. I'm sure half of downtown New York suffers from it. Tid: the book is 1079 pages.

6) Creepy Undead Melting Babyhead Thingy

7) An UNEARTHEN necklace
This has to be the coolest piece of hippie jewelry ever made. I mean look at it! Its in a bullet casing. My friend Gia makes these and she said I could come to her studio and pick one out, but the offer has been good for a year now and I still haven't gone. I need this in my stocking. Please? And PS if I could live anywhere in the universe it would be her website.

8) Leica Camera
I've destroyed my last three cameras by either leaving them to battle the harsh debris that floats around my purse unprotected, or by taking them out for a day at the beach. This time I will be responsible and treat my new camera like The Dark Crystal. Tid: I hear they're going to make a sequel!!

9) Amazon Wish List
Anything at all from here would be amazing. I've even tagged my highest priorities with "highest priority" status for your convenience. If you actually look at my list you'll notice that I'm a wee schizophrenic. Not by psychological standards, but by Amazon standards. The majority of the books fall into two categories: 1) pop culture/art/photography or 2) futurism and string theory. That's five categories but whatever. Anyhow, which type of chick would you rather be best friends with? I'm hoping both.

I fancy myself a bit of an anthropologist (someone who sits around judging people from a park bench). But, instead of studying tribes and cultures, I study trends, fashion, music, social climbers, vagrants and whatever is fastnewfunthrillingexciting. I'm sure this doesn't count as anthropology in the university sense, but to me everyone and everything is a study, hence my book of the Worst Tattoos Ever. So, there's Veevers side #1.

Side #2 has no friends because who wants to talk about China's development of quantum computers and how technology can help eliminate world hunger and clean up Garbage Island? Side #2 subscribes to The Futurist and New Scientist and daydreams about disease-fighting nanotechnology and space colonization. Sexy? Meanwhile zero of my friends care about any of this so I often find myself alone with my ideas, wondering if we're going to live in a Gattaca-like universe in 150 years. I get into long conversations with my dad about these topics. P-retty hot stuff fellas! What's wrong with talking to your elderly parents on the phone say, last Friday night while vacuuming, with a weird amount of lipstick on your face even though you're not going anywhere except maybe to your couch to catch up on your unwatched episodes of Whale Wars? Cooommme aaand get it.

This brings us to the last item on my wish list:

10) NEW MUSIC. Need help, send jams! I want to chuck my iPod. Seriously, I want your top 3 songs!! You can swap Christmas treats with me between the hours of 10am - 6pm M-F on AIM: teenangster4. I like everything but industrial techno and psychobilly (my fingers just curled backwards trying to type that out). Right now I'm listening to CAN, The Pandoras, and Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings but I wouldn't mind some new stuff. I like that scary song in the Benjamin Buttons trailer (what is that creepy deliciousness?) and I also like every single song I've ever heard on an iPod commercial. So there you go, see? I'm the easiest person on earth to impress. I'm happy with a remix of a remix of a shitty TI song.

Merry Christmas people!


Sunday, December 14, 2008

Sundays with Nick of Tim

by Nate Turbow

You ever get around to fingering any of them?

Did you die yet? I hope you're dead. Cause I died 350 times after I watched this.

Here's a little anecdote: Last week I was at a show and John Hamm was there hanging out with Fred Armisen and some other SNL dudes (he recently hosted the show incase you don't watch). Anyhow, I totally did one of those oops-my-boobs-just-have-to-squeeze-past-ya-scuse-me moves and I got a good, close look into his kryptonite face. Let me tell you, it is in-fucking-sane. There are 10,000 years of women's heartbreak in those eyes. The guy is on such top shelf dreamboat status its cuhrazy. I was just telling a friend that the ONLY thing better than Zach Galifianakis and John Hamm being in the same room together, between two ferns, would be if you could morph them into one superdude with your laptop and the prayers of a thousand vaginas. It would be just like Weird Science, except the dweebs (Gary and Wyatt) would be Elizabeth and I, and Kelly LeBrock would be John Hamm.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

#1 Stocking Stuffer

You know what you guys need to get for your pals, your new boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, roommate, cafeteria lady, and your favorite Kim's Video/Amoeba Records guy? MY BOOK, OBVY!

Barnes & Noble has it
Amazon has it
Urban Outfitters has it

Check the back cover: Demetri Martin (Trendspotter on The Daily Show, The Demetri Martin Show), Eugene Mirman (Flight of the Conchords, author of The Will to Whatevs) and David Cross (Liberal Jew Run Media, Blue Man Group)

If you send it to me I'll sign it for you with any message you want. Inquire within!

Thursday, December 11, 2008


Here are three of my favorite t-shirts from Christmas past:

1) Tasha's VPL draped Tee that I think I wore a hole into

2) Beverly's epic Iron Maiden vintage tie-dye

3) Waiting to Exhale (just back from two months at Thai Kickboxing camp, which explains the awkward hair grow out phase and ridiculous tan)

Aviva, Vivs, Veevers blah blah la la la

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Chez Merks: I lived inside a children’s book for 3 days

This is my pal Meryl Smith. She's an artist who someday wants to make prosthetic limbs for those in need. Artist AND humanitarian. She could also be one of those special effects people who work on sci-fi movies.

*photos above by Todd Selby // photos below by Veevers (me)

This summer I stayed at Meryl's for a few nights. One night we had a garden party (read: smoking outside in her overgrown back yard for 45 minutes). If you’ve ever been to Meryl’s house you’d know that it’s an enchanted, necromantic roost where woodland creatures, sea life and children are created by her magical wizard hands. At dusk the fireflies came out. I’ve never seen fireflies in New York and didn’t know they were in the city until this summer (I don’t hang in parks too often). I didn't even know outside of humans and dogs that lower Manhattan was conducive to supporting life outside of the roach-rat-pigeon species.* Even though we were just behind Houston, Meryl's back yard felt like the Greenwood Forest.

There are two tiny blue and yellow parakeets and a huge hamster named Boomer who live there too. Hollow sculptures of injured animals and heavy, woven bear heads face her bed. There are tiny, innocent eyes peering out from every corner. Seahorses made from peanut shells are perched above her bed, high up on the wall. They look so realistic it’s hard to distinguish them from their real counterparts hanging next to them. Two small, mummified dolls of children occupy a turn-of-the-century wooden wheelchair near the front door. They look morose and kind of creepy, but Meryl insists the wheelchair comforts them. I stared at their sullen frames every night before falling asleep. On the bathroom wall a piece of tape holds grey hairs that have fallen out of Meryl's mermaid head. She’s collecting them to make into a bracelet of 'witch hairs' for Alex.

One night I met her and Ben at East Village Radio where she was hanging out listening to The Cho Show (this was awhile ago). Afterward we all walked over to that aw-ful aw-ful bar The Annex for an aw-ful aw-ful Misshapes party. The music wasn't awful but it wasn't really our scene, so instead of dancing or talking to the perfectly nice aw-ful aw-ful people, we dance-walked up to the bar for drinks and sat back down in our booth until eventually this happened:

Todd has amazing photos of her on his site right HERE

Her art blog can be found by clicking HERE

I love you Merkles!

*controlling these pests are a huge part of our local economy