Bad News

I talk to Ted pretty much every day (it used to be for hours a day, pathetic I know) and, well, I found out that everything you wish hope and pray guys don't talk about... they do.

I asked Ted everything I've ever wanted to know about guys but was afraid to ask. Been barreling through a tunnel of regret ever since. Guys are way more crucial about gossip than us. All we talk about is weenie-size, but guys are a bunch of hens. They talk about the things we try not to think about. I was under the impression that they pretty much think we're all hot and don't care too much if we have a touch of cellulite or baby bangs or a little hair on our arms. Welp, that was bullshit. Guys notice everything. They talk about our hoo-hoos!!

And watch what you say ladies. If you accidentally say something even remotely embarrassing their pals will hear about it. Better to just hold it all in and pretend you're perfect until the day you die, otherwise you're going to die alone.

Thank you so much for educating me Ted. I will never let anyone truly know me as long as I live, but at least I can trick someone into dying with me.

And now for some pictures from Kai Regan's website launch party. It was at former my place of employment: LIT. I have since quit serving rich artfaggy self-conscious clingons who can't take a shit without someone watching. Wait- I mean I quit bartending and have taken up a full-time job at a magazine, but more on that later. It was sponsored by Raybans, so here are some jams of my friends rocking the revival brand.


Adrea


Carlos Q.


Andrew Kuo and Me = HUGS


Brant Lee


Melanie


Erik Foss, the big boss at LIT/Fuse Gallery


Leo Fitzy

Reasons I wont see Sex & The City

Is Kim Cattrall holding her face up?

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1. "Frothy as a Margarita and just as salty, Sex and the City all but mambos its way onto the screen." - Philadelphia Inquirer

2. Fear of turning into a Samantha/Carrie/Miranda/Charlotte pumpkin in a few short years. Not in the mood to look into a 10 year mirror (if everything in my life goes wrong).

3. Do I have two hours to spend absorbing cringe-inducing jokes written by a round table of bon-bon popping depressed divorcees, Oprah viewers, trannies, and Jewish comedians in their early forties?

4. Wrinkled cleavage shots.

5. Reports of a gratuitous sex scene involving Miranda (gulp). "Atrocious" and "hideous viewing" were in a first hand account.

6. SATC is the sole reason women aren't allowed to hangout in fours, ever. Totally off limits for evermore, so as to avoid looking like a quartet of desperate man-eating tigers.

7. Is Hammerskank a word?

8. Thanks to this show, I have to hear people order Apple-Lavender-Choco-Mango- Lycheetinis. Also the reason that we had to live with Cosmo "cookbooks" for the last eight years. This is basically the Swingers for chicks.**

9. Why did they make this into a movie? Is the movie going to be as unbelievable, haggard and unfunny as the show?

10. Its totally okay that women over forty who have lived through a divorce suddenly think they're in Sex and the City and are totally fierce now (god bless their broken hearts). What's not okay is that we have to hear them cackle over sex talk at brunch just because they do it on the show.




**Ted always cites Vince Vaughn's character in Swingers as responsible for creating a bunch of over-the-top douchebags who still say "you're so money" to each other and talk about strategy at bars. Don't believe me? Try bartending.

THINGS GIRLS SAY ABOUT OTHER GIRLS BEHIND THEIR BACKS

by Ramona Sidlo and Aviva Yael


1. TALKING TO THAT ART HAG IS WORSE THAN WATCHING BUM SEX

2. SHE HAS RED LIPSTICK ALL OVER HER TEETH AND FACE AND SHES A WEE TAD CROSSED IN THE EYES

3. JESUS CHRIST HER HAIR IS A WASPS NEST

4. EW WHAT A GRUB SHE PROBABLY HAS BOOGERS AND DIRTY FINGERNAILS

5. SHE'S PIGPEN FROM THE PEANUTS

6. BARF HER SKIN LOOKS LIKE CORDUROY

7. SHE TALKS LIKE SHE WAS RAISED IN A CASINO

8. DOES SHE HAVE FETAL ALCOHOL SYNDROME

9. HER BREATHE SMELLS LIKE A 5000 YEAR OLD CHINATOWN DOG'S ASSHOLE IN JUNE

10. WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS SMELL LIKE A BOLOGNA SANDWICH


Bye bitches!

New contributor

Please welcome Ms. Ramona Sidlo aka the #1 flesh-slinging, illegal immigrant-housing slumlord of the Lower East Side. She's the muse (and booker) behind Muse Models and has a better attitude than we do. You can find her out on the streets this summer making New York a little bit cuter each day HERE. Her picture and bio will be posted someday when I'm not so incredibly laz- I mean busy.