Oh internet, you little liar you!

Look what my stepmom and little cousins found when they Googled me. Inappropriate no? Geez, thanks out-of-control web of the world. Not only did they find this little gem, but they read the caption underneath it which was a joke, written by my employers at Vice, stating that the man with the miniscule mushroom of a weenis was my 58 yr old boyfriend whom I was going to go open a t-shirt shop with on some nudist colony. Sweet!

The coolest part of the story is that they found this picture last year and never mentioned it. So all this time they've been thinking I'm some weird swinger and I guess they decided they would love me no matter what. I'm sorry parents, but there is a time and a place to confront your children and ask them what in the hell they are doing with their lives. This would have been a great opportunity to exercise some parenting skills.

So since my entire family and probably some of my enemies and at least one known stalker are reading this, I would like to tell you the real story, which is simple.

Almost three years ago I went to St. Martin with Sarah Egan, Gavin and Emily McInnes, Trevor Silmser and his now wife Stacey Napolean, Shonali Bhowmik, Carrie Imbermann and my cousins Wendy, Tammy and David. We rented a house on the French side away from everyone and spent all our days at the beach. We ate stuffed Christophine, grilled lobsters and conch sausages the whole time and had dance parties every night, which we referred to as Mansion Dancin' due to the enormous size of our villa. To date it was one of most fun vacations I've ever had. We went the next year again and Jay Johnston came, who I will probably introduce you to in my next post.

Anyhow, we're all on the beach one day and this naked bald man with the world's smallest penis casually strolls by. As you may know, Gavin has been doing the Do's and Don'ts for Vice for 13 years. There was no way that we could pass up this photo opp. That being the case, I ran as fast as I could (a good 20 yards) to catch up with our target and asked him for a picture. As soon as I signaled my pals with a thumbs up, a mini photo shoot ensued, as a few nearby tourists jumped in on the action. Yes, of course it was absolutely disgusting for me, but worth every second.

I didn't see a fanny pack on him but somehow he produced a business card. Who's to say where it came from, but let's assume it had something to do with his miraculous nether region. You know how homely girls often have great personalities? Welp,  maybe people who suffer from teensy, tiny peanut genitalia are in fact, the most well-rounded folk. As it turned out he is basically the coolest person alive. Seriously, he was so chill it was as if he was fully clothed and we were in a bar and all 11 of us weren't staring profusely at his reproductive area. Trevor bro'd down with him so hard I thought he was going to invite him to come bonfire with us that night. Moments after his departure Gavin vomited and then we all went about our beach business. This has since become a classic tale.

Here's the business card he gave us:

Turns out he was from the same tiny town as Trevor

Wars Fought...Septic Systems Overflowed...Computers Infected...Governments Overthrown...Parties Crashed...Nudes Photographed...Man Haters Created...Orgies Organized...Alligators Castrated...Geeks Terrorized...Wheelchairs Tipped...Fortunes Squandered

Just want to mention here that Gavin officially left Vice and merged with Derrick Beckles from TV Carnage to make the HILARIOUS new website Street Carnage which I'll be contributing to. Not to sound like a femi-nazi but I like that most of the contributors are womyn. Also, Lesley Arfin is also a contributor. You guys should buy her book Dear Diary whether you have a vagina or not. It's really harsh and fun to read and you'll blast through it addictively in, like, half a day.

xo
Aviva

business

INTERNS:
Intern needed to do research/data entry for the fashion website I'm editing. If you are into fashion and LOVE downtown New York and you want to learn all about blah blah blah etc etc, please inquire within. You can and will receive credits for school. Plus, I'm fun to work with. My current intern is happy and healthy but her internship is ending soon so I need someone pronto. Help me spread the word!

DEALBREAKERS:
My friend Handsome Ted and I are working on a very fun new project that includes answering your most burning questions about how to deal with stupid people. This includes roommates, bosses, weird moms, neighbors, bad bartenders, and of course your girlfriends, boyfriends, and exes. We prefer to deal with the relationship stuff most of all, but we will try to answer you nonetheless. I've already received alot of great advice questions from some of you, but its time for more problems. We will post them eventually, so stay tuned. Keep them coming! If you wish to remain anonymous, just let me know. Gimme the goss dudes!

AMAZON WISH LIST:
I have a huge friggin list of books I need, but cannot afford due to my bingey book spree last month. No joke, it was out of control and I'm paying Vegas coke money for my apartment so I need public assistance. Think of it as a literacy program. What? You think its bullshit? But I need these books to keep my brain from being bored. If anyone out there wants to buy my love, I've conveniently provided a link on this blog with the Amazon logo that connects straight to my dreams. And if you buy me Trivial Pursuit 90s Edition I will play it with you, as long as you are not crazy or my dad's age. That would be weird.

xo
Veevers

Warning: extremely vomitous material

Holy fucking shit Aviva you look like hell What's wrong with you? Are you okay? You look... depleted, exhausted. Babe don't cry, you're scaring me. Why so glum?

What's that? Your eyes hurt? You're no longer capable of child-bearing? Oh no that's horrible! What the eff happened? Its okay you can tell me. But first wait.. you have something on your face. Is that... is that a pube? Oh my god its grey! Oh sweetie you're a wreck how'd that get there?

Harbin Hot Springs!?

Oh, you went to that natural hot spring that runs mineral water directly from a beautiful mountainside in Calistoga into a relaxing outdoor pool under the stars, in the middle of the woods, with lovely accommodations and macrobiotic cooking on site? That sounds just lovely!

Well what didn't you like abou- ooooohhh. Like as in everyone was nude? Co-ed locker room. Oof. You saw a fat guy wearing what? Babe please stop shuddering, its been a week. Now just take a deep breathe and tell me what you saw. Okay. Theeerrrre you go. That's it. Now tell me what he was wearing. Okay okay okay, just calm down. Now are you sure that's what you saw? Leather Ugg boots and a red leopard printed sari. Oh. My. God. I'm sooo sorry. Its okay sweetie, I'm right here. Hold onto me. Just breathe...

So what made you decide to go to that place? Now why would he take you away for a romantic weekend to relax to a place like that? He knows how much you hate hippies, right? OF COURSE you're not spiritual, I know that dear. Well next time don't be such a good sport. How could you relax with all those grey vaginas and 43 year old dreadlocks all around you? Oh babe I can't imagine. GROUP HUG IN THE WADING POOL!? Oh that is just disgusting. Hippie stew is right! My goodness, no wonder you're so distraught.

No way. That is sooo inappropriate. Which signs? No Talking or Sexual Activity Allowed. You're kidding. Everywhere. Come on don't be silly, of course they don't have giant orgies. You're just being paranoid. Oh? Wow. Excuse me I'll be right back dear, don't go anywhere.

Hi I'm back. Sorry I just hurled a bit but I'm all settled now. No no, I'm fine. Do go on...

You were just saying that you thought you'd have your own private miniature hot spring for just the two of you with separate outdoor rooms and whatnot. Yes you were grossly mistaken. Well don't beat yourself up over it. How were you supposed to know that Harbin is cruiser central for all those crunchy Northern California types?

Well at least you got to eat at that gorgeous restaurant in St. Helena and buy wine in Napa. Wasn't that romantic? Oh good! Oh. Nevermind. BOTH of you? The flu? Well maybe you guys are allergic to hippie germs. Ha ha! Okay, well at least you had a good laugh and your neck pain went away, right?

Okay okay, don't start crying again, its all over now. You're fine. At least none of your friends are crunchy granola bears like those hedonistic New Agers from Marin who hide out in Wine Country on the weekends.

Oh look at the time darling, I have to go. My Nude Yoga class is starting in 20 and I've got to get down to the gym. Yes, Ezekiel does it too of course. What are you talking about? Its SO good for you. Don't be so stuck up. Babe there is absolutely nothing wrong with a guy letting a little frank n' beans relax on the carpet while breathing deep. He is all man, trust me. You should try it.

Listen, why don't we get lunch at Cafe Gratitude later? We can order from the delicious affirmations menu and get the "I Am Prosperous" live salad and the "I Am Passionate" vegan pizza. You'll love it. The staff sits down next to you while you order and they discuss your affirmation. And babe get this... when they bring out your food they repeat the affirmation to you! Isn't that great? Its nice to have someone look you in the eye just before your meal and tell you that "you are beautiful" and "you are magnificent" and you know what? It really makes you feel that way! Its like being in a giant womb, you'll love it I promise. Here, I got you a TO GO menu. Why don't you take a looksee and we'll grab some grub later. Here you go:

http://www.cafegratitude.com/cafe-gratitude-menu-entree-side-dishes

You're going to be just fine my dear.

Namaste.












Yep, it all happened to me, every word. Thanks Northern California. You bestow the beauty of Bolinas, Mill Valley, and our very own Provence upon us, then you burn out our retinas with a bunch of middle aged crystal-hugging crybabies who look like they were made out of clay.

...

Catch up

Boy are you guys lucky I decided not to write yesterday. I was in a majorly nostalgic mood and had an arsenal of high school stories coupled with who-I-love-right-now gossip all jumbled up into one big barfy chick chat. But today I woke up with my usual emotionless self and realized I hadn't downloaded any pics from my camera since just after Christmas, so here are some tales from the last month. Back in New York...
Went to Balthazar to have breakfast with Ileen just two days after I got my wisdom teeth pulled. Check out the crucial chipmunk-cheek scenario.
Ileen's dad started Members Only, the line of jackets from the 80s whose slogan was "When You Wear Members Only, Something Happens." Not sure what that means. Like something as in dude driving the Prius ahead paid your bridge toll so he could fulfill his self-imposed 'pay it forward' debt? Or something as in you find your boyfriend's bone list mixed in with your bills?*

I'm dying to take Ileen to a party and introduce her to people as the "Heiress to the Members Only Fortune" with a straight face.

Went to Opening Ceremony where we scored some goodies including two old editions of Butt Magazine, for the articles of course. Its a good rag people! Then headed to Williamsburg to go get a haircut. Look at this amazing loft! I still wouldn't move to Brooklyn though.


Oh by the way, people need to stop calling Williamsburg a 'dorm room.' That joke is so Electroclash era and its no longer pertinent. Williamsburg is all baby stores now and that's fine. Who cares if its turned into a haven for 'hipster parents?' So? They're just yuppies all dressed up in black. The dads have cool jobs, the moms go to knitting classes and they both do Nude Yoga and love David Rees. And? SO? Its too late people, we're all the same now. Nothing is cool anymore. I mean, MySpace has a fucking surf contest at Mavericks. Talk about having your spot blown up. HEY! Speaking of, have you guys heard about the new taco truck on N. 7th? The chefs Jeff and Curtis are WHITE. I cannot wait to get back to New York and taste them treats. I'll take photos and report for you upon my return. Moving along...

Danielle came over the next night only to see this mess in front of my apartment. What you see here is a testament to the problem that New York has with allowing multiple private companies to govern and maintain our City's trash disposal. The mafia still owns most of the dumps (ya know, for the dead bodies n stuff) so each company picks up trash on different days according to the provider, the zoning, and whether or not you are a commercial or residential operator. There is little consistency to our garbage disposal, so sometimes you have scenes like this one outside your door for 72 hours.

Take a good, hard look at this. This is the most depressing pile of crap I've ever witnessed. A stationary bike circa 1992, a stepper, workout videos, and boxes and boxes and BOXES of Slim Fast bars. I mean, if you could take a shame spiral and make it into a tangible thing, this would be it.

After the laughter subsided over all the dietary rejects strewn angrily onto the sidewalk, a quiet terror loomed over me. The evidence pointed toward a depressing scenario that was taking place upstairs, probably just feet from my front door.

Using the deductive theory, we concluded that there was a frustrated, obese single person who had abruptly thrown in his or her towel and was sucking thumbs in a dark room in my building somewhere. Based on the archaic components of this person's nutritional plan, he or she had their physical peak 15 years ago and had bitterly tossed their hopes of improvement onto the uncaring streets of New York. Oh the despair. Who was it? Which neighbor would make me seeeaaad for the rest of my tenancy on Sullivan Street?

Anyhow, all roads lead to Bacaro and/or Sweet Paradise. Ted's shirt rules!

Afterwards we met up with Chrissie, Wade, Lenski, Nick and Lisa at Lit.
Nick looking like Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl
Lisa looking ike Kiera Knightley

The next night A-Ron had a party at his new pop-up store. That's Adrea in the middle and Noreen on the right. Noreen and I only call each other during Fashion Week. I see her exactly twice a year, like clockwork. We've been to some amazing events and shows in the past, but I won't be in NYC this season so have fun without me Noreen! Get me gift bags from Alexandre Herchcovitch and MJ! Toodles Ciao Darling!

I came home that night only to look out my bedroom window and see THIS happening:
OMG! The guy who lives across from me was making his weenis sing to the pages of a catalogue. Not a Victoria's Secret catalogue, either. It had more of a Macy's vibe. This is a crappy picture, but I could see it SO clearly. I wondered if maybe one of the models was an ex-girlfriend or someone he'd just met at a bar because I couldn't imagine why else he wasn't using some good old-fashioned internet love to... ya know...ew. Anyhow I called Danielle scream-laughing. It was absolutely VILE, but of course I sat there and watched for like 5 minutes. Then I took a shower and came back and guess what!? STILL THERE.

Met Alex Burns to go over tour stuff for The Virgins. Ran into Matt Lenski who lives on the same block as me, then Erik came down to meet me for coffee. This is a picture of all three of them showing baby pictures of their nieces and nephews to each other. It got a little metrosexual for a min.
Did you guys hear about Lenski and Burns' Halloween costume? They were gay dads. I think one of them was named Mitchell:

Next evening was dinner with the gang. AOC is supposedly "the most romantic restaurant in New York." It was really delicious, but I like Il Buco and most recently Allen & Delancey. I had drinks there after seeing There Will Be Blood but ate there a few days later. I give both the movie and the restaurant a two thumbs up. Hey-o!
A.O.C. (Justin, Tasha)
Megan
Crispy Duck Breast, Bosc pear, Vanilla potato puree.
A.O.C. homemade Goat Cheese, Calamata Olive Puree, Smoked Sweet Corn Sauce.
“Two Ways” beet salad.

Well I'll stop here. I've got a story to share with you about how I got sucked into a naked hippie stew in California last weekend, but one thing at a time. Check you dudes later!

*That happened to me once. There were 64 other women on his list of chicks he'd boned. When I found it indiscreetly tucked into my papers and whatnot just days after I broke up with him, I thought to myself "Nice move!" then upchucked and took a rape shower. Also, tests.

BUY MY BOOK!!!

Foreword by David Cross
Blurbs by Eugene Mirman (comedian), Demetri Martin (Trendspotter from The Daily Show), Suroosh Alvi (Vice Magazine) and Nick Zarin-Ackerman (The Virgins)

Pre-orders now available on Amazon! Woo-hooooo!!!!

http://www.amazon.com/No-Regrets-Worst-Ridiculous-Tattoos/dp/0446582077/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1200349016&sr=8-1



xo
Aviva

Highly edited adventures

"Why does my daughter dress like Yassar Arafat?" was an advice question written in Monday's British Guardian. See LA? I told you to stop it with the Palestinian scarves, unless of course you truly have a passionate distaste for the Israeli government. Which of course if you do, you should express with a nice cobalt or teal keffiyeh while dancing to Steve Aoki's jams at Cinespace. Look at you, spreading the political spirit through the art of accessorizing! GOODFERYOOOUUUUU!

Not that you guys care, but I am sad that Israel exists. I know it seemed practical at the time, but Israel wasn't created by loving Christian hearts and well-meaning, treaty-writing do-gooders in government. It was created out of weird guilt and world-wide racism, coupled with already abounding Zionist tendencies from the Jews themselves. Do you think America wanted to take on millions of refugees?Homeless people?

We were like, "Eeeemmmm.... yeahhhh. Don't know how ta tell you this (Jews), but we've only got room for the rich ones. The rest of you have to stay over there, on your side. Please stop yelling you guys. In this country we like to use our indoor voices. We just ceeeaaan't squeeze you in at this time, sawry." Nice move.

Anyway, I just called in my phone as lost or stolen so as to put a stop to the repulsion/grossout laughs that my 5,000-year-old-Chinatown-dog's-asshole of a phone invoked.

I went on a date a few months ago and when I pulled out my phone the guy picked it up with his pinky as if it were a snot rag and goes 'did this just get back from Iraq?' It has exposed wires from my once-living camera, the paint is almost completely chipped off, stickers, scratches, etc.

I just uploaded my pics from the last year so here ya go. Wish I hadn't deleted the 800 other pics I took but I didn't have a lot of memory so had to delete many times. Random slice of life sampling from Veeversland...

My bestie Justin aka Panama Jack at the opening of his Lower Lower East Side establishment, Sweet Paradise

Not sure why this came out so nicely when all my other pics suck. Maybe the sun? Anyhow, went to Southeast Asia for a few months but this is the only picture I saved of it in my phone. I used to have tons of pictures of weird food, gross dogs and funny tidbits from Laos, Singapore, Cambodia, Thailand, and Taiwan.



This is in LA. That's one of my good pals Donny Miller at his art opening/book signing for Beautiful People with Beautiful Feelings. As you can see he is dressed as a sexy magician, using his magic stick to point out his giant pizza. Giant pizza!!? WACKY!

Todd Selby hosted a Chanukah party at El Cholo for a magazine photo-shoot wrap party. Don't remember which magazine it was for, but the editor's sister was a plastic surgeon. Todd forced her to show us the before and after pictures of the lipo surgeries she'd performed. Unappetizing, yet fascinating!

Karaoke at The Drawing Room with Spanky and Camille. Here he is crying on command which is fucking hilarious and which he did to me 5 times in a row. Every single time it made me cry too, which made Camille laugh. That night she took us to a birthday party for this guy Dallas who I'd barely met but a year later turned out to be one of my favorite writers! Please go here: www.dallasclayton.com

The main dining room of my favorite hotel The Madonna Inn (San Luis Obispo, CA)

Madonna Cake is NEON in person.

A little angel in a Denny's somewhere in the middle of nowhere. (Oregon?)


When I got back from the West Coast I ran into an old fling from my days in the Bay Area just before moving to New York! So this happened for a couple of months...



You may recognize this hunk from this:

Or maybe this:
And no he's not gay people! Also, 41 years old! Also, really nice! And he can cook like craze! He was only 35 in the B&W pics, around the time I met him. This is a testament to never do drugs, smoke or eat gross food. This is what we call a SILVER FOX ladies. He has those grey speckles in his hair like Clooney, all debonnaire n stuff. Still pals, still pals.

Back in LA with Crystal and Jena. I'm wearing a killer "drug rug" that I found at a thrift store in Palm Springs. Crystal is wearing a "please rape me" that she found in her closet.

On tour with The Virgins! Crystal was our driver on the first tour after Tim Barber. Tim and I hated each other on that tour. Like hated guts. But now we are buddies again. He drives 90 mph in the rain in a weighted down van filled with humans and heavy equipment as if he's just casually waiting in line for groceries. He gave me nerves the whole trip, but truth is he's fucking hilarious and has excellent jams in his iPod. Also, one of my very most favorite photographers. I fanout at his shows and stuff (www.tinyvices.com) When are you coming out with a book Tim?





Look at that wittle angel face. Virgins trivia: Donald also filmed the BEST DOCUMENTARY EVER: Billy The Kid. Puh-lease go see it! Its amazing!

Nick, Erik (sleeping)



Wade with glow-in-the-dark hair. Wade is an angelface from heaven!!! Perfect little peanut! Also: very smart, funny, likes 30 Rock alot.

Getting strangled by Nick. Nice way to treat your tour manager!

My killer pair of vintage Converse from the 80s. Emily and her adorable baby Sophie Whiterabbit were in Madison WI while we were touring, so she came to the show and took us to her local spot for a drink afterwards. Unfortunately the DJ was a raver and must've still been rolling from his trip to Goa, because he terrorized us with a techno/acid house mix all night. Anyhoo, Ems sent us to THE BEST THRIFT store in America where we scored tons of amazing goodies. I found a Poison T-shirt from the Open Up and Say Aaaahhh tour, a bunch of old boys surf gear and Crystal and Nick got some awesome shits too. Donald scored a leather jacket and turned into Jonathan Richman for the next three days while he got used to wearing it.

The Virgins opened for Jet. They had a luxury tour bus, which was essentially a liquor cabinet with wheels. This is Cam getting strangled by Chris Cester. I spent one night on the tour bus while Crystal drove the Virgins from Ohio to Kentucky. It was a beautiful drive and guess what? Kentucky's real pretty y'all! Anyhow, all we did was drink and listen to standard 70s jams. Jet told me all about Aussie food. The next day was Cinco De Mayo and we had a Pinata party after the show. Good times.

Back in NY Gavin and Emily had a rooftop party for July 4th. Gavin wheeled Sophie Whiterabbit out of the bedroom with two perfectly functioning legs and hysterical laughter ensued.

Not to be a gigantic namedropper, but those are Chloe Sevigny's legs in the background there. Gavin and Emily lead a much more glamorous, celebrity-infused lifetstyle than myself. Sorry, but I still fanout on her. Fashion HERO for real. Plus she's in American Psycho which is the #1 greatest chick flick of all time. Any movie with Christian Bale in it is a chick flick in my book. He's super dreamboat dreamy as far as good acting goes. Is it even scientifically possible for him to BE more awesome? No. its not. He's tops.

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs at Webster Hall

My dad came to visit and we did all this fun touristy stuff like take an educational boatride around Manhattan and learn about the history of the City through its ports. Plus, it was a sunny warm day. Educational tanning? Yes please! Another thing I love about my parents visiting: nice restaurants, shopping sprees, helping me buy furniture for my apartment.

Welp, that's all. Sorry I don't have any juicy naked pictures or car accidents or funny New York street stuff like dead rats and people barfing and angry signs that people put out for the neighbors.

The End