MIME MUCH?

Um you guys? I have to tell you something...

MIME FESTIVAL
MIME FESTIVAL
MIME FESTIVAL

Anyone want to go to England to take pictures of this magically silly celebration and make me the world's worst coffee table book? Just one running stream of creepy clownfaces, suspenders, stripes, berets, and gloves... Make sure to wear diapers to hold in the laugh-pee. And please ask them all why. Why. Whywhywhywhy.

Oh the fantastic comic relief and paradoxically tragic human expression told through the art of silent comedy is Pantomime.

oof.

Barreling down a Shame Tunnel

I had a whole diatribe about bartending here, but I decided to not state the obvious pros/cons since I only do it once a week. And thank god its on Andrew Kuo and Wildman's super fun "HUGS" night (w/the "Precious Metal" party downstairs). Also, my barback is an acutely intelligent literature grad from UC Berkeley named Steve. I look forward to our Monday night banter about the top stories of the week. For him its always some new Harvard study or government conspiracy. I usually blab on about String Theory which tiptoes a teeny line between physics that unites general relativity with quantum mechanics, and some weird hippie shit. See? You just fell asleep at your desk. Nobody but Steve will listen to me talk about it. Save for Steve, Kuo, Wildman and the $$$ I wouldn't be able to justify it.

That said, I decided to start renaming bars for what they really are:

The Barney Hut
The Tool Shed*
The Dingleberry Den
Cokewhore Cavern
Herps n Burps
The Cackling Henfest (that would be a cougar lounge like the Viceroy)
The Depressed Divorcee
Skank Ranch
The 13th Step
Jamaican Me Crazies**

there's more but I can't remember. gimmie some more!
car bombs @ Doc Holiday's (classic dive)
l to r: brian, david, har mar, veevers, syd, sharky

NYC funfact: There is a medieval style pub on 7th St called BURP CASTLE. When I first spotted it, the name washed over me like a valiant metal song about slaying a Teutonic Knight with a dragon's ear and a wizard's comb (sawry, been listening to Bathory and Manowar on the iTunage today). Of course its not like that when you walk in, but how epic is that name?

*stole that one from Ted
** I've seen a few of these in my lifetime, mostly in Florida and on t-shirts, but someone NEEDS to open a slightly horrible bar with suggested nomenclature.

Tiny Veevers

I still love New Orleans. Its touristy now and the French Quarter is a cheesefest filled with rape-squads in every bar, but the food is delicious, the vibes are good, and I love every single thing about the city from the thrift stores to the Sno-ball stands.
Inside this shack are the best PoBoys in New Orleans... to this day. Locals only barneys!
Inside peep
Me and Dad bro'd in that corner on the weekends playing PacMan and Turbo. Dad was such a spazz. He couldn't play as well as me, and he moved the joystick so hard the entire game would bang around (so embarassing).

My favorite mems from when I was wee:

1) Dancing ballet in my tutu for the tourists at Preservation Hall while my parents worked the door (age 6).

2) Eating Oyster Po-Boys and playing Ms. Pac Man with my dad at Parasol's Bar on Friday nights (age 9).

3) Roller skating after school in the auditorium to disco and trying to catch Rick Hebert in kiss n catch. He liked my best friend Christine Matzke. I was stuck with Andrew "Blockhead" Block and Louis "the poo poo boy" trying to kiss n catch me.**

4) Going with my "gifted" class after school on Fridays to the cemetary near Anne Rice's house. Our gay teacher, Mr. Major, would tell us slow, quiet ghost stories while we sat on gravestones (6th grade).

6) Hanging out at VFW Hall and trying to make out with punks and metal heads. Saw Corrosion of Conformity, Henry Rollins, DKs, and Suffocation by Filth before I was 13. My parents had NO idea.

**In first grade we did Square Dancing for our talent show. Ms. DeLeon made me dance with Louis, who was obviously known for shitting his pants, infront of the whole school. Needless to say I was known as "Louis the Poo Poo Boys' girlfriend" for the rest of the school year.

Wee me

I went to New Orleans last week to visit the woman who made me. One night at dinner I asked her why she doesn't have a boyfriend. She said the same thing that every single woman always says: "There's no one out there." Apparently all men over 40 are bald, fat or crazy according to my mom. She then proceeded to tell me that back in her day she had so many men she couldn't remember. She was what one would call a "Ho."

This is really not good. I always suspected that she had a slightly nefarious side. She's WAY to good of a dancer, she throws her head back when she laughs and touches her neck (classic chick move), and she does that smoldering smoky-eye look when someone takes her picture. Still.

My dad didn't have it so good. I asked her why she went for such a nerd (sorry Dad, I love you) and she said... ew... that he had a "sexy brain." BLLLAAARRRFFF. The word SEXY needs to be stricken from the English language now.

Theeenks mom!

Mom was a BABE btw. A Talitha-Getty-in-a-Halston textbook JAP. A socialite from Westchester who wanted to be an actress. A skinny, ethnic beauty. Her mom was the exact same way, but snobbier. My grandfather ran for Mayor and was a prestigious lawyer (how Jewy is that)? Eleanore Roosevelt even ate in their house once.

Anyhow, mom went from her typical New York Jew pedigree to marrying my dad, a boxer from S. Prospect and Boston in the Bronx. BDP vibes much dad? While on their way to Mexico for the honeymoon they stopped off in The French Quarter where they stayed, opened a clothing and jewelry store and raised me. Our store was on the corner of Pirate's Alley next to the Jackson Square Cathedral in the Thomas House (built in 1827). If you look up you can see the balcony apartment I was born in on Royal Street. During Mardi Gras my parents would hire these two gay guys named "Steve n Pepper" to decorate our window with floats, beads, maska, Zulus, Saints, Indians, Mardi Gras Queens, which all looked cooler back in the early 80's. I went to the little red schoolhouse right there on St. Philip. If you've been to the Quarter you've seen it. Some pics from my hood:
My first crib y'all!
My corner store where I bought thousands of Slush Puppies (slurpees) and Bubble Yum.
My favorite antiques shop when I was tiny. Joan Good is still there!

End of the story is that my parents were fake hippies who became respectable members of society in the 80's and got divorced. Dad became a lawyer and moved to California with my step family. So cliche!

xo more to follow xo

The Virgins

This is from their first tour. Yours truly was the tour manager/photographer/towel girl. Tim Barber and Crystal Moselle helped drive. Life was fun for two months...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/76913458@N00/sets/72157600307197860/

xo
Aviva

Couple of things

ONE:

SUPERBAD is the funniest movie I've ever seen in my entire life ever ever even funnier than Friday, Borat, and your personal fave put together x10.

I'm going to start saying "you're so UNIQUE" to guys after we blaze.

We also need to bring back the word "samesies"

TWO:

I'm not going to North Korea. It was almost $6000. for a 5 day trip to see the Mass Games if I wanted to go with the Vice guys. Yes, I'm disappointed. No I don't want to go alone. If you're a new reader and you don't know about my obsession with the Mass Games, please refer to my MySpace blog "I only live once" or just google/you tube it. Its fucking INCREDIBLE!!!

Goodnight y'all. I'm fasting on Lemonade, Cayenne Pepper, and Saltwater flushes soon so I'll be hiding in the West Village starting Sunday.

xo

Merks aka Meryl Smith Special Lady

Me and Steve Zahn
Cocomo Vibes Justin
How can you not love that Merkles face?

Sometimes the best nights are the ones where nothing happens.

Last night I hung with 3 peeps who I want to introduce to you guys if you don't already know them.

1) Justin Gallaher. Justin is one of my besties. Non NYC friends- go to his bar Sweet Paradise if you are in New York (14 Orchard St @ Canal). Justin makes me laugh harder than almost anyone. I have a long list of things he says that make me pee.

2) Ted Barrow. Ted is a skater known as Handsome Ted which immediately makes you think dumb hot guy. Not the case here. He's my current favorite writer at the moment. I hope he writes a book of short stories someday. Check out his blog for some samples: myspace.com/tedreflectsthat. I love it!! He's also hilari-o, extremely polite and has some serious jams on his iPod. All crucial dude qualities btw. No worries- he's in the Friend Zone so I can shamelessly promote him with a clear conscience. Anyhow, Meryl and I renamed all Teddy Bears Teddy Barrows going forward. Please make a note.

SEGWAY!!!!!

3) Meryl Smith aka Merks. I fell for this peach of a lady at Gavin and Emily's wedding two years ago. Her and Ben Cho were sitting on the deck and I came outside for a cigarette and it was INSTANT SPARKS! I know I sound like such a lezzie, but I don't care. Meryl and I had a majorly major MAJE bro sesh last night which started about 2am at Sweet Paradise and ended at 5am on the benches infront of American Apparel on Houston St. If you ever want to talk to every random New Yorker in the world just sit on that bench for a couple of hours. We talked about all the stuff chicks talk about... it would probably make you vomit so I'll spare you, but JESUS CHRIST it was juicy.

Anyhow, Meryl's boyfriend is my old boss from Vice, Shane. He was my dad at work. Gavin was the funny boss, Suroosh was the super nice boss, but Shane was the one I worked hard for. Now he's my pal and my pal's boyfriend and I'm super happy for them.

I will be introducing more peeps to you all soon enough... stay tuned!

Something I wrote for someone

I wrote a piece about Celebrities who blog. It was highly edited. You see, I live for pop-culture and Valley Girls, but I did this piece for a business journal (thank you Athena!!!) that grown ups read.

I read over 40 celebrity blogs for this assignment which was sometimes DISAPPOINTING and other times SCINTILLATING. My two personal faves: Lily Allen and John Mayer. I know. I was shocked about the Mayer thing. I don't listen to him btw- I learned all about him through his blog. Seriously I only know that Wonderland song and it makes me feel like a chick in a Rom Com. Adult Contemp jams... no thanks.

Back on track, in the original article I handed in I praised Lily Allen and called Moby a pussy. I tore that insane RuPaul tranny Tyra Banks a new asshole. I almost called Mariah Carey's fansite a Snoozers n Losers chat room. Of course this kind of writing doesn't translate in the business world too easily so you can read the slightly boring, but highly informative article about Celeb blogs here:

http://www.fastcompany.com/articles/2007/08/celebrities-blog.html

Enjoy dudes.

Learn stuff while snuggling up!

Here's a little Veevers secret: I'm obsessive about two things:

1) Public bathrooms

I turn into a ninja when it comes to avoiding contact with the toilet seat. I will turn into a goddamn Cirque Du Soleil contortionist if I have to. I don't care. Its all about not having to pee.

2) Movies

I go through phases with a movie genre or director and then I have to see every single film in said categories until I know everything about it. Examples: I have a mental encyclopedia of Chinese Epics, Japanese Horror and French Cinema (all genres). Right now I'm strictly docs. I have 37 documentaries in my Netflix cue... and nothing else.

Here are my favorites, esp the ones about people's obsessions:

Harry Potter Parking Lot
Word Wars (its the Spellbound of Scrabblers)
Unknown White Male
Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill
How's Your News?
A State of Mind
Trekkies (1 and 2)
Mr Death
Mad Hot Ballroom
In the Realms of the Unreal
American Movie (and Coven)
How to Draw a Bunny
Inside Deep Throat
Manufacturing Consent
The Nomi Song
The Eyes of Tammy Faye
American Mullet
Murderball
That Man: Peter Berlin
Dark Days
Endless Summer (all)
The League of Ordinary Gentleman
Cinemania
The Annabel Chong Story (slept with 200 guys in a row for a porno. Her life was ruined afterwards)
Jesus Camp

I'm skipping all the obvious picks about animals/nature, corporations, wars, fast food, Bush, and 9-11 that you've probably seen already. I will add to this list in a month when I'm done learning about Chihuly, the Occult History of the Third Reich, and the guy who invented the Moog.

I cannot wait one more stinking minute to see BILLY vs STEVE

Lonely Jewish girl, 20, blames weight for her depression

That is the description of the Grand Theft Auto character I'm cast as for voice-over on the next game. Oh, the irony!

They totally type-cast me again! Last time I did voice-over I was the "shop girl" in Grand Theft San Andreas, while simultaneously working as head "shop girl" in real life (running a bunch of stores). That year on Thanksgiving my cousin was playing San Andreas in front of my family and he actually tried to kill me. The game wouldn't let me die, but my character was screaming "You can't steal that sir! I'm going to call the cops!" while he's beating the hell out of me. They were pissing themselves laughing. Meanwhile I was fuming that my character was getting the smack down. Btw he was also cast as the nerdy paranoid tech guy who was bald with glasses and cargo shorts. This is extra funny to you if you know him because that is exactly what he looks like in real life.

I was also a Lizzie in The Warriors. I played a lesbian gang leader, which I'm often mistaken for. I got to say the coolest line in the whole game:

"NO DICE, LITTLE MAN. NO DICE"

Me and my gang bitches got beat up by the cops. I got to call them 70's names like "fuzz" "pigs" "flatfoot" and "copper." That was awesome, but you know what wasn't awesome? When I had to pretend I was getting beat up and cuffed by invisible arms. Infront of a soundteam. And a director. Who were cracking up behind the glass in the soundroom while I fake hit myself. Kiiinda awk. I kept laughing so they had to re-tape it like 6 times.

Anyhow guess what!? I got the job as a ghost writer for a celebrity!!! Fun much? When I went in for my second interview I sat in a giant glass office with massively high ceilings surrounded by furniture, artwork and electronics that I'll never be able to afford in my lifetime while three people asked me questions about myself. I haven't interviewed since I worked for (the amazing) Diane von Furstenberg in 2001. Interviewing is about as cringey as going on a first date with someone you aren't that into. Blech. I never want to be interviewed again.

Anyhoo, I got it and I start next week. Yay job!

I'M GHOST-WRITIN' THE BLOG NIGZ!
Ghost write it like that
Ghost write it like that
Ghost write it like that

Corny rap by Aviva Yael

PS- I'm not depressed, but I do blame my weight for everything that goes wrong in your life.

Dinner Club

This is something I started in 2005 and have decided to pick up again, along with NIGHTBIKE which I will tell you about in a separate post. (Old and new members are listed at the bottom)

THE RULES OF DINNER CLUB

1) You must RSVP to confirm your seat as soon as possible once an invite is sent out, which will be once a month. Dinners will be at 8:30pm on average.

2) If you want to bring a friend, let me know and I'll decide if they are acceptable using the simple Darwinian system of standards and pecking orders. TOTALLY kidding, everyone is invited except those who fall under the categories listed in Rule #3

3) No cheapies, vegans, or whiners (beware- these types often carry all three overlapping traits)

4) Once you've RSVP'd you're in dudes. No rez drama or last minute flaking please!

5) If you are tardy, some people might judge you and think you're a tiny bit losery.

6) Don't display your alcoholism to others and don't make us pay for your "condition." Save that for the optional post-dinner bar destination which will be decided upon fairly at each meeting by you, the democracy. (Don't forget that under my tutelage I have the power to crush your dining and drinking aspirations because I am the founder and president of this tiny empire which I have created).

7) NO TEARS

8) Dinner Club encourages food banter. I can listen to you talk about food forever. Traveling for me is like a food vacation, so bring your favorite foodie spots and secrets.

9) Dinner Club is all about eating: if you're the restaurant picker, pick a delicious restaurant that allows groups up to 12 and has a decent veggie options. Its your night, go nuts.

10) You may make new friends at Dinner Club, since the guests will often rotate. If you find one of them particularly appealing, please do not make out with them until the meal is finished.

If you want to join us for a meal, please inquire within. Thank you for being a part of the illustrious DINNER CLUB 2007!

Sincerely,


Aviva Yael
President and Founder, Dinner Club

Current DC members:
Tasha Cain
Carrie Imbermann
Michelle Zacks
Lesley Arfin aka The Arfinator aka Author of Dear Diary best book ever buy it please thank you
Leo Allen
Eric Slovin
Crystal Moselle
Justin Gallaher
Demetri Martin
Marissa Kaiser
Cindy Greene
Eugene Mirman
David Cross
Sarah Egan
Danielle Levitt
Athena Schindelheim
Shonali Bowmik
Nick Zarin-Ackerman
Chrissie Miller
Syd Butler

I can't remember who else. I will update with each meeting. Sign up!

I'm writing a book about you called "Desperation Station"

These are my all time favorite books and I wanted to share them with my readers. Enjoy!

Anthropology:
The Wild Trees by Richard Preston (The Hot Zone)
Guns Germs and Steel by Jared Diamond
The Third Chimpanzee by Jared Diamond

Creatures:
The Secret Life of Lobsters by Trevor Corson
The Secret Life of Dust by Hannah Holmes
Modoc the Elephant by Ralph Helfer

Autobiographies:
Touching the Void by Joe Simpson
Banker to the Poor by Muhammad Yunus
Confessions of an Economic Hitman by John Perkins

Science and Stuff:
Death by Black Holes by Neil DeGrasse Tyson
The Elegant Universe by Briane Greene
A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking
Broca's Brain by Carl Sagan

I need more fiction to fill my shelves so please send me your favorites. I don't own a single fiction book!!! HELP!

James Thomas Fallon

For some reason everyone in NY hates Jimmy Fallon. Everyone says he's a big douche, but as far as I know he's harmless. I remember when I first moved to the City I used to go to Shout every Sunday after the Tinkle show** with David and Sarah, Maya Hayuk, Shonali, Demetri Martin, Eugene (the Mirmanator!), Heather Lawless and our whole big group of Jewy comedian friends. We'd spazz out in front of all the longhaired skinny rockers and their electroclash girlfriends who were all dressed like the singer of Missing Persons. White patent leather kitten heels with black tights and striped skirts ring a bell ladies? I loved those days.

Anyhow, there were tons of hot rocker chicks at Shout, not just dudes. And who was always there surrounded by those brown-haired Zeppelinesque girls with "the chopblock" haircut of 2002, stacked-heel boots and white lace Gunne Sax blouses? Fallon. Every week. And everyone looooved him back then, but somehow after he hosted the MTV Video Music Awards something changed.

The first evidence of the Fallon dissention (for me) took place on the corner of 3rd and Ave A. There was a phone booth there at that time that had print ad space, and Jimmy was filling it that month. I assumed he was the darling of lower New York until I noticed that someone had drawn a moustache over his smile. It started with that until eventually I noticed everyone turning on him, and quickly. Nowadays its taboo to say his name on the streets.

Anyhow, I thought it was weird that I never think of Jimmy Fallon much less hear gossip about him, then all of a sudden it's Jimmy Fallon Week on the Veevs Channel. First I heard a joke about him, next day I hear a story, then see him on TV last night before the movie. Today (I'm in Montauk for the weekend again) we ran into Chrissie, A-Ron and Jen Brill on the beach, and Jen tells us the very joke I'd heard earlier this week and am about to share with you guys. Anyhow, here it is:

Pal: KNOCK KNOCK!

Me: WHO'S THERE?

Pal: JIMMY FALLON

Me: JIMMY FALLON WHO?

Pal: THAT'S SHOWBIZ!!!

(must do jazz hands and give a hootenanny to make this joke work)

This second JF tidbit is a story that my friend told me on IM which I have cut and pasted below:

So Jimmy Fallon is at this late night recording session with my friends' band hanging out in the studio and whatnot, and he starts obsessing about ...wait...this story is steeped in background info and it might not be that funny...ok anyway...

So he starts obsessing about the Talk Box (its an effect, doesn't matter), which Peter Frampton famously used on that "Live" album. Also, he had recently met Joe Walsh of the Eagles, and was bragging about it to the band. (btw… The Eagles? Who cares?)

So he goes, "Joe Walsh will know where we can get a Talk Box let's call him" and they're all, "Really?"

He's all set on calling Joe Walsh, mainly to show off that he's got his number and to ask about this Talk Box. It's late in NY, but Walsh lives in LA so he goes for it.

He makes the call and has to apologize for calling so late and explain who he is and how they met, etc.

Anyhow he's on the phone with him and goes, "Hey Joe, where can I get a Talk Box?"

And Walsh says, "You're in NY?"

Fallon thinks for some reason that this old guy's got some inside track to old rad gear for some reason...

So Walsh says, "You're in NY?"

and Fallon says, "Yeah!" all excited

and Walsh says, "Uhhh... Guitar Center? In Union Square?"

AAAHHHH HHHHAAAAA!!!!

Good one, right?

Xo

** Tinkle was a comedy show that David put on with Jon Benjamin and Todd Barry every Sunday night at Piano's. I was living with David when I first moved to the City so I inherited all of his comedian friends. Anyhow, when I was Fashion Director at Vice there was a huge Dodgeball competition (Tokion, V Magazine, PS-1, Nom De Guerre, and other media/fashion peeps participated). Saul asked me to be captain of the Vice team, but I had to choose between family and work, so I chose to be on the Tinkle team with my cousin and his feeble, old, hairy, Jewish pals. This turned out to be a wise decision, as Vice lost in the first round and Tinkle made it into the Final Four against the Café Habana team. Café Habana cheated and had ringers and some brutal guy who threw the ball SO hard we started calling him "The Annhialator."

Anyhow, we got the crowd to start chanting "CHEATERS! CHEATERS! CHEATERS!" Against Team Habana. The crowd was bezerk for us, I swear. Plus, we looked awesome because Built by Wendy made our uniforms (Wendy even baked us pies) and we had cheerleaders. We had super stupes signs like "Tinkle Pisses on your Team" and had cheers like "Go Bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Go Bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Tinkle on the left (uh!) Tinkle on the right (uh!) Go team Tinkle! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!! We lost to a record label, but that day EVERYONE LEFT FEELING LIKE A WINNER! (oof. blarf. ugh. yilch).

Check me out in the NY Times!

This is from back in Feb, so if you're a new reader and missed it from my old blog, here it is:

Hey dudes-

Please go out and pick up a copy of the NY TIMES today. The article about Celebrity Tattoos that Perry and I did for Oscar season is in the Op-Ed section. They cut down the writing... its tiny, but its in there:

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/23/opinion/23chen.html?ex=1186804800&en=f7ddac799d216d36&ei=5070

Its on the front page online. You can also hear the interview about my book if you click on the audio link. There's a good slide show but they edited out all the funny stuff I said and made me sound like a yuppie grad student from Oberlin doing her thesis on a zany, whacky subculture I know nothing about.

Its been almost a year of interviews, hunting, traveling and browsing through thousands and thousands of images of completely insane tattoos. I hope you guys like it when its out.

Aviva

Girls Are Pretty, 2 haikus by Aviva

Girls Are Pretty, pt. 1:

Girls make me happy

I like them much more than boys

But I am not gay


Girls Are Pretty, pt. 2:

Funny girls are good

Rad girls get along better

All my friends are babes

GIMMIE THE GOSS

Hi there.

I finally quit cheesing out on MySpace and got my own blog. It only took two years of complaining and trying out different programs until I decided to go with the easiest one. Anyhow, here I am with the rest of you. I'm going to introduce you to some of my pals, tell you a few secrets, and try to convince you to do neat stuff.

I promise not to make this boring, starfuckery, or annoying. I won't drag you presumptuously through my daily life unless something exciting happens. I'm no Time Burglar. Mostly though, I want to practice writing and give you advice. SO, if you have any questions you'd like to ask me please email me, I'll tell you what to do, and we'll post it up here on the blog. You can ask me about ANYTHING on any topic. I'm totally unqualified to answer you in a productive way, but I know more about stupid people than anyone else on earth so if someone really stupes is ruining your life, please tell me. I know what to do. In other words, GIMMIE THE GOSS.

Anyhow, here we go...

Love,

Aviva